Since my freshman year of high school,
I've said the phrase,
"There are so many people in this room."
Way too many times.

This little phrase exposes my fears,
Of embarrassment,
Or physical closeness to other people,
Or some secret poison slipped through fingertips.

I have no idea why fear builds in my chest
During all the situations.
Why am I scared of my peers?
My family?

I'm not sure I am.
I'm not sure why it's there.
I'm not sure if it's an actual problem
Or if this tightening happens to everyone.

I can't get it checked because it's normal
And I'm not anxious enough to have anxiety,
Not broken enough to have depression,
Not scared enough of people to have social anxiety.

I'm not at other people's levels,
So I'm not above average.
This is average teenage stress.
It's average to not be able to breathe after a tough confrontation.

Or during one.
It's average to not stop shaking your hands.
It's average to have people tell you to stop moving consistently.
Everyone does that, right?

It's normal to feel fear of someone who isn't remotely scary,
To feel like I'm inside a squeezing bubble of air,
When I can't do something I should do with ease.
When I can't do something normal for me.

To feel this moving in my stomach when I talk about this,
To feel like I can't keep talking,
To feel annoying and weird and strange,
For every single thing in this writing.

It's normal to feel all of those things,
Right?

Homecoming
Wouldn't **** as much
If I was going with you.

Dress days wouldn't be as tiring,
If you did them too.
Lunch games wouldn't leave me frying
If I had you to talk to.

Float building would be better,
If you were in my grade.
The parade would be cooler
If I knew I wasn't going to fade

Into someone else's background
Where you can't see me.
I'm standing in your background.
Waiting for you to turn around.

But you might never.
You might never.

What will I do with forever
If it's spent with someone else?

I'll be fine.
But if you're gone,
From my life,
My thoughts will be in strife.

So because you aren't my homecoming date,
I'll sit back and relax
With you by my side.
And we can just wait.

I never meant to

It's hard.
Seeing you every day and forgetting.
I forget how to frown,
How to walk,
How to start a simple conversation.

All I have to say is hi.
Is that too much?
Should start with a witty pickup line instead?
No, that's way too much.

Should I comment on how I like your shoes?
Or how good you are at playing your instrument?
Or how good your hair looks in the wind?
Or how your jokes are funnier than you think?

Should I start a conversation with,
Something from the situation,
Or stick to the basics,
Plan it out in my head?

Should I say hi or hello
Be upbeat or mellow.
I'm happy to be talking to you,
But I don't want to be creepy.

Should I just smile in your direction
And pretend I'm not melting,
When you smile at me,
And turn back to what you're doing.

I just want to talk to you,
Why can't it be simple?
Why can't I start a conversation?

Maybe tomorrow,
I can start with hi.

I promise, we know,
We aren't perfect people, but we fight.
To make ourselves better,
Teenagers don't always think they're right.

We write sometimes, and it's deep.
Maybe about something ever so small.
It's not even a thought you'd want to keep.
But to us, it means it all.

We haven't had enough years of living.
You've many more turns round the sun.
But here you can find us still and we're giving,
Pieces of ourselves to everyone.

We're just like you,
We're brave and we're strong,
We fight for our lives
And we fight all along.

We fight for the people who were with us before,
And we fight for the people who one day will be no more,
And we fight for the people who were robbed of their future,
And we fight for the people who will be someone else tomorrow.

We stand for the people who've lived before us,
But also for the future of people just like us.

The world says we'll lead you,
Through storms of change,
But know that we're scared too,
The world ahead is strange.

But the thing we need you to understand most,
Is we're trying our best,
And so we hope,

You won't break us down,
You'll instead build us up.
We need your support
As much as you need our hope.

And for the generation that comes after,
I hope you can lead us too.
Because we aren't perfect,
But we were just like you.

It seems like every story I read
Has a character named just like you.
They've different personalities than people I've met,
But they all have the same name too.

I read about these character and they're great,
Don't get me wrong.
But they just remind me of your face
And the way that we get along.

I couldn't put you into a character if I tried.
I would swear up and down it'd be wrong.
There's too much character in you to  buy.
I'm not going to try so move along.

There's too much personality to fit in a few sentences.
I couldn't even fit you in a book.
There's no way to explain your endlessness.
I wouldn't even try, but look.

Writers make great characters all the time.
Some based loosely off the people around them.
I've added you into plenty of mine.
But there's no way I could fit you all into one of them.

I'm not good enough at writing to capture the way you light up,
When you play that stupid card game you love.
Or the way your eyes shine in the sun.
Or the social awkwardness wrapping you in a tight hug.

Or the way you talk about drawing and art,
The way you walk with your friends.
The way you love sports and how you've turned out,
Playing them since you were like ten.

There's too much of you to fit in this poem,
Or any book I could write.
You can tell me to try,
But try as I might.

I can't write you character flaws.