Everything fell on wednesday
24 books, 7k words, 2 exams.
My phone starts buzzing at 4am.
I shut off the alarm and roll out of bed.
This report wasn't going to write itself
Mere hours to jot down thousands and thousands of letters and make it something passing.
After three libraries and 8 of the most stressful hours of my life I finished it on time.
"What takes these mortals months I made in one morning." I thought to myself, the master procrastinator.

I still had 2 exams to get through.
No appetite food but an extreme hunger to not be a failure
Exam one, finished, killed it.
I had a few hours until my next exam. A great time to go to the cafeteria
Or.. I could sell some blood to fund my **** addiction...
20 minutes later I am donating blood on a less than empty stomach with my laptop out studyig for my exam.
The *****, toothless man next to me was laughing at the sight of a lap top in the blood clinic.
I facetiously grinned back, thinking,
dont become him
keep ******* studying
I studied my *** off, and i was able to finish the exam before the others.

Everything fell on wednesday
Except me.

Such salaciousness is both a turn off
And a deal breaker.

There is a part of me,
An evil part of me,
That wishes to burn everything I have.
Because having nothing
Is safer.

This part of me
Asks evil questions.
"But is she enough?"
"Could you do better?"
"Is she the one?"

People like me,
With this evil part deep inside,
Were born
to die
alone.

Dear Madison,
    When you pushed me into the lake
             and I pulled you in with me
                and you worried about your make-up
                  and I told you you were beautiful
                                      I should have kissed you,
                                                                ­                      Then.

She's certain I'm a narcissist now
And maybe she's right
But I don't think she realizes how much I cared for her
The friendships that I severed for her
The sacrifices.
And even though she was right,
That I never loved her,
I always viewed her with incredible respect and dignity.
Emma you were and are a deeply beautiful person.
I'm truly sorry I made you feel so meretricious.

tides change too quickly for my liking
one day you are surrounded by good people
the next you are isolated by demons.

i cannot comprehend the sincerity behind temporary promises
it's as if people adjust their ideologies to fit their tunnel vision
forgetting those who were there
before.

Is it wrong that the only time I actually want to be in a relationship with you
is when I'm actually with you.

It's as if being away from each other triggers a feeling of independence
That I simply don't have when together.

Often I think I'm happier when I'm alone
But those doubts are silenced when I hold you.

If only I could hold you at all times
Then I wouldn't have such an urge to separate.

I was thinking maybe, just maybe,
That we could have a baby,
Or be forever 21 and die together in 2080.
See I've been thinking about that lately
I guess you could say it's crazy,
But I've got responsibilities,
That bring me to my knees,
And somehow I've got to look out for me.
Living isn't cheap,
especially at my university,
And I'm only 19,
And I'm only getting stronger,
So if I'm not man enough yet, you better watch out now.

I can't feel my soul, but I'm certain it's there.
There are no MRI's or CAT scans of it
There are no people that make it glow like it used to.
But before bed, each night,
I put a pen to paper and it pours from my fingertips.

I don't know how else to explain it.
I'm sure it's there.

This is the moment ive been waiting for,
This is why i moved out of the basement, walked right out the door.
Stepped out side, got shaded
Went back in and calculated
I finally found the recipe,
thatll make my enemies rest in peace,
While i sip Mai Tai's on the beach,
making money off these sheep
Im out, peace ✌

I haven't seen the light in what seems like light years. And these have been heavy ones.
I worry that if I venture out it may disprove my writing.
Cooped up in a cold room I stared blankly in a moon lit mirror.
Where did my sanity go about an hour ago when we were eating dinner ?

Feel special!
It's false,
But at least you feel something.

People who say drinking alone
Is for alcoholics
Aren't drinking alone
With the right people.

I never knew how much I needed you in my life until you came into my sky.
25 years without your rays illuminating my soul.
Those days days were longer, colder, darker.
Now everyday I wake up to your shining beauty
knowing that the future is brighter than ever with you on my horizon.

Sometimes
The price of one coffee
In the lobby of the art museum
Is worth just being seen by
You

The art itself is tastefully
Bland
But you pop from the desk,
Into my eyes
And into my
Soul.

You are the masterpiece of the museum
And when I sit down with my coffee
There isn't a painting in the building I'd rather be
Sitting in front of.

Alone now, and on the subtle hunt
I wait for it.
For the next woman
To mesmerize me.
Then break me.
Sometimes both simultaneously.
Never one without the other.

When we look up at the sky
You stare at the stars and planets
I stare at black spaces in between
And I guess together we complete the picture

I do wish I found the brighter spots more alluring, but thats not my role in this dimmly lit universe.

When we sat under the Pine Tree
And we blew eyelashes and made wishes
I wished for you.

He who is never found silent
Is one whose thoughts are not worth mentioning.
Wasted breathes on wasted words,
And wasted hours for the people subjected to his gibberish

You are a dream that I get to live everyday.
Sometimes I get sad
But then I remember life without you
And it all feels so surreal.

I love you. I love life with you. Every second.

If I knew you were at the end of the rainbow,
I would not have stayed inside all of those rainy days.

Thank you Rwitika for completing me.

I feel flustered
I should see my psychiatrist, but i won't.
After 2 hypothermic years of alcohol and lonesomeness,
The king of indifference and emotional neglect,
Actually cares about someone other than himself.
again.

The vultures are already flying above me,
I'd **** myself now but I'm not finished building my pyramid.

Love is a death sentence,
Neither contentment nor serenity can breathe in its atmosphere,
Yet for some strange reason
I think I can.

When i get this drunk, i always make sure i write two poems.
One to express how i really feel
And the other to express how drunk i am.

Which one is this?

What is with the women I love?
Have some Integrity.
Have some Shame.
Have some Composure.
Stop giving me reasons
To push you away.

There is a distinct emotion which is unmatched in gravity.
It's the shuttering realization that others do not recognize the impacts of their transgressions.
Wasted investments, broken promises and negative returns.
Why leave the house when within it there is no betrayal?

love is forgotten in the pages of a dead book.
the dried four leaf clover,
used as a book mark,
falls right out.

there is no luck
there is no chance

just life,
and the path that leads you to your soulmate

Hey Jake.
I was pretty drunk last night.
I'm sorry for calling your girlfriend a Social Darwinist.

In the seventh grade when we sat in the park
And I told you I don't like lighting things on fire
And you told me that is why you like me
And I kissed you for the first time.
You'll never know just how much
That moment meant to me.

finding out there was someone else
will cut you down faster than a chainsaw.

Old ways, new habits
Probably out of balance

I hit up my best friend
Invite her to my palace.

I'm the king of cold
I'm building igloos in the sand
How you hate me when I talk
but love me when I tan?

Why is it,
Whenever I'm ready
To finally let someone in
They do something
I can't stand
                         ...?

When you're his
and I'm
nobody's.
I want to be
yours.

I can tell you
want it
too.

How I managed
To fall in love with you
Is beyond me.

How I managed
To despise you
Is tragically obvious.

I don't conform
To society's standards.
I conform
To yours.