Kristen

Kristen Feb 2015

Blood work. Glucose tolerance tests.
Appointment following appointment.
Cat Scans and MRI's. Radioactive liquids to ingest and fainting spells.

An awful rendition of some woeful soap opera is playing day by day updates on what is ailing my seemingly healthy shell.

Maybe it's hypoglycemia? Maybe it's not. Maybe the oxygen that my brain is writhing for isn't being delivered because options A,B, & C are the direct result of head trauma age 14. Or was it 18? Forgive me; I can't recall information lately.

I'm not even surprised that somewhere within my cells the ATCG format to my beautiful helix strands aren't aligned. I suspected.

Instead I go through phases of crashing emotions. Each wave more dizzying than the last. Maybe that's my blood pressure plummetting again?

In any case, the most consistent emotional response I experience is not questioning what, but considering the maybe. Maybe I deserve this? Yes. This may be what I deserve.

Kristen Jan 2015

Learning to Let Go

I found solace
and a small fragment of inner silence.
Strange its not with any of the individuals
I yearned approval from
...
I had a crushing epiphany;
They were not the margins I should have been reaching for.
They are the weights that were holding me in discontent.
I desired their company so fiercely I never noticed
...
They were very much a part of me
But alas, one of me I wish to leave be.
I am sorry I hadn't left them sooner
more than I can apologize for doing them wrong.

Bitter. Woeful Release of my past. I am starting over.

Kristen Jan 2015

Finer Details

I wish I could remember the finer details.

Like the way his face would hold his smile as if it were more natural than frowning. The way his smile would brighten his already dancing eyes.
The humorous play on words his mind would offer.

I wish I could remember the finer details.

Like the way he walked up to me as if he were on a mission.
The way he didn't doubt the words springing forth from his smile.
The way he made me spin from dreary to feeling like the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen.

I wish I could remember the finer details

I wish I could remember his face

I wish I could remember the finer details

Kristen Dec 2014

Brushing Paradise

There it is
The most beautiful human I've ever had the pleasure of meeting
And he is all mine
How cruel
This will be the most painful reality check karma has ever offered a a dishonest wreck like me

I thought heartbreak came in the end...
No.
This is a different poison;
A long and drawn out trick.
I know there will be an end.
One which I deserved long ago
and that ...
That is the truest heartbreak.

The last relationship crushed the very ******* soul within me.
Yet here I am. So ****** lucky.
I know this one will shred the very cage my heart resides within, but I want it

Kristen Aug 2014

All In Passing

Ive neglected you.
Hiding soul from ashed excitement
having once been a fierce blaze.
But now I'm here...
finding that highs are evanescent;
a fugacious, dalliance.
And i,
the common denominator holding
all these riddles where they lie,
am simply trying to grasp this intangible
beauty by strength of hand.
Yet it is in fact something like fine sand.

If you burn it too hot, it transforms into glass.
Sharp
Edgy
**Glass

Life. Youth. Love. A moments bliss.
A riddle for all things that fade in due time.
More reflective than depressive.

Kristen May 2014

Path

I could ramble ceaselessly,
Head ramming concrete walls,
Of all the bruises and of all the strain.

I could curl in agonized frustration,
Fists pumping unsplinting doors,
From all the unresolved questions and searches.

I could sulk and fret,
Tears carving creases in youthful silk,
From all of the wrongs left without vindication.

Or

I could accept the lashes,
Sudden, sharp razors across raw flesh,
Acknowledging that this too shall pass.