Between all the photo uploads
That scream with ostentatious desperation,
"Hey! Look at how many people love me!"  
"I'm so happy!"
I check my social media sites frequently.
Almost as if thinking,
"maybe in the last ten minutes
Something drastic will have happened...
And just maybe this happening
will suddenly give my life meaning once again."
But when I see that Facebook has not, in fact,
thrown me miracles,
I scroll through these uploads and tags mindlessly.
They seem to mock me!
Almost as if screaming,
"You're drowning your youth in ***** and loneliness
behind a charade of shallow interactions."
It makes me sick.
Because as I stare at these faces,
Smiling and chipper,
With their hugs and their memories...
I have never felt so utterly alone.

I'm angry in your absence.
You who offered me new views and fortitude
But who took his leave
Your laugh still resonates within my skull
Still frame images swim endlessly
Your words are all I have now
And the Sound waves make my ears ache
When my eyes close tight,
Its like hitting replay
Reverberating from synapse to synapse
Forever there within my thoughts.
Only there is no rewind or pause
Because this is real life...

It only feels like its a movie...

Bright eyes
What a lovely surprise
Sugary Sweet
Just you and me
Emotions run deep
Child-like trust
Shown through love
Shown through lust
Just like a dream
Together forever it seems
Ocean tide rhythm
In sync
Trust me
I'll be there for you
If you'll be there for me

Residing within
Habitual barricades
I try my best to shy away
Hyperactive mind
Seeking serotonin highs
Constantly craving
Wandering whimsy
Beyond lulls of the mundane
I'm still hiding from the strain
In shadows and lies
Constantly alone inside
But this fortress is my home
And I have nowhere else to go
So I keep my head down and hold the peace
For one way or another, I will find release

In that moment
I truly felt you for the first time.
Your breath rolling over my neck,
your hands grasping my waist,
I wanted to keep that still-frame forever.
It felt invigorating,
as if you were bringing life to the dead.
You offered pulsating veins
and hyperactive breathing
in contrast to a world
that only desires
to watch its victims suffocate.
I stole and absorbed every moment,
like oxygen to spasming lungs.
I became a maddened catalyst
with an insatiable craving,
driven by my new found ability
to feel this breathless seduction.
I tried memorizing
every pore on your skin
while I took you in.
Inhaling as deeply as I could;
I held you there
in my lungs.
But now that the end has arrived
I only feel distance
and empty space
the product of reality,
and carbon dioxide flooded veins
Too afraid to breathe out
in fear the air
will have disappeared once again.
Possibly forever.


You are ******* unforgettable.

Nine years later
I still feel everything.
Potent ****** reaction.
Guilt has caused
Riverbed cheeks.

This single image
That I've kept buried
In an attempt to leave behind
Is seared into my mind.

It plays out:
My mother is there;
up against the wall.
Pig-tailed braids
And slender in overalls.

Cowering
In hyperventilation
And sobs
Looking so child-like,
Cornered
By 3 betrayals in human form.

Voices raised in accusation
Ripping into her
In my bedroom.

Feeling ill and lost
I lie face down on the bed,
Covering my ears,
Screaming.

Blocking out
The family fight
Chaotic and ferocious,
Like worlds end
Crumbling my foundation

Only feet away
Words like daggers
Slathered in anger,
Hate, and distrust.

I couldn't handle
Seeing my mom like that;
Bullied, scared,
And broken down.

Hated and attacked
By a husband
Who vowed to love and protect her;
By a son-in-law
Who was meant to respect her;
By my sister
Who was first-born to her.

All because a misunderstanding,
A rumor,
A lie.

And I,
Too young to understand
What this meant,
But who knew the truth,
Didn't come to her rescue.

And now she
Is outcasted and alone
And I
Can't wash myself
Of this searing recollection.

21 years old
I still find myself
Lying face down,
Covering my ears,
Screaming.

In moments such as these
My skin aches with recollection
Of how it was when passions ran high
And silence was filled with devious, knowing eyes

In moments such as these
My mind strains to find a masterpiece
Anything that will gather your attention
From the mundane distractions its lost within

In moments such as these
My questions begin in endless ovals
Pushing adrenaline and anxiety as I wonder,
"Is this really what I'm resigning my youth to?"

In moment such as these
I lie in silence searching for a revival
But now the quiet crushes me
And any eye contact is dull, disappointed, and droopy