My whole life
I lived amidst chaos,
emotional roller coasters,
and confusion.
I lived in silent grudges,
violent outbursts,
and self mutilation.
I lived in motion,
never calm,
always packing.
I lived in two homes
each broken
always conflicted and lonely.
I pleaded with my sanity,
begged for release,
and drank for a moments ease.
I submitted to labels...
like victim...
unfortunate...
suicidal...
I fought nightmares,
hatred,
and sick obsession.
But now....

I'm older now...
I live with a yapping dog
and two annoying cats.
I have chores
that don't seem so daunting
and bills I am almost elated to pay
I sit in silence now,
stretching for yoga
and meditating.
I find my greatest stresses
are finally things like
finals week
and cold tea.
I could cry daily,
in silent testimony,
and sometimes violently,
FOR JOY,
not darkness.
I can breathe easily
and sleep dreamlessly.
I have never been so happy.
I have never been so at peace.
I have never been so able
just to be.

Adrenaline gripping me
Desperation settling
Aftershock recollection
Magnificent desolation
I plead with myself
Don't think about the crash,
The broken memories need rest,
Or the rush
Like a roller coaster ride
Yet I'm still alive
In wonder
I have briefly touched the edges of Hell
Yet I survived
I've bottomed out and crashed
Welcomed death with blurry whiplash
Yet my lungs are still contracting
Twice in three days
I have uttered my last words
Yet I'm still breathing
I'm still alive
I survived
I have cheated death
So for now I am happy to lie and rest
Honestly, I am to happy just to breathe
For surely
(In the future)
Death will want revenge on me.

Distant revelations of bitter refuel
A great friendship torn by disappointment
Jealousy has come from hiding
Driven out motivation in its confiding
I feel like running away now
Starting over new
Which is what I thought I was doing
When I started this with you
Tucked in my pretty new hiding place
Only to find my problems staring me straight in the face
Its sick how everything is not what it seems
A land of calm devotion is tearing at the seams

Falling ashes from a smokey sky
Reveal memories of a younger life
Hopes I dreamed whither and fall away
I agonize for one more day
Then his eyes invade my deepest thoughts
Tensing with the remnants of shattered trust
Brutal replay better left forgotten
I rendered a scarred heart, forced to toughen
Nightmares seeking safe release
This is what his warm embrace promised me
When his kiss sunk beneath my very soul
I let go and finally became whole
Through the beat that pulsates in his very chest
One shaking breath more,
one fleeting beat less.

I spend many hours away from you,
breathing deep flavored tobacco
amidst a sea of humorous conversations.
-  The ones I always wanted with you  -
I admit I am guilty of neglect.
But to be honest,
I seek you out in surrounding faces.
Maybe there I will find the carelessness
you paraded as youthful exuberance.
And maybe then, I won't know them well enough
to understand how destructive their actions
truly are.
Or maybe I will just pretend I don't notice this time...
Because to be honest with you,
in all of our space,
I never truly stop thinking of you.

He is attempting to recall
the happy times...
Somewhere in the trenches
of his mind,
he sifts;
seeking the lust for adventure
he once once harnessed.
Because somewhere along the way...
Through two bitter divorces
and years of living paycheck to paycheck,
and working two jobs,
trying to provide for three girls,
he lost his youth.

Little unforgivable creature now.
Grime of the Scottsdale mellow.
I never belonged here;
not in this magnificent, foreign place
where they grew;
not in the calm and relaxation
their family, wealth, and happiness offered.
Not me.
Family history: poor and dysfunctional.
Personal background: self-destructive and anxious.
Still I was offered an opportunity
to become someone better,
a step up from the wasteland I knew,
and most importantly,
a new home without memories.
I clung to this safe haven
and hid myself away.
thinking I was clean,
I built walls in my pretty new refuge
to keep the tarnish away.
I wasn't clean then.
I'm not now.
I brought this filth with me,
under my nails and in my clothes,
in my memories and between my toes.
It festered and multiplied,
perfecting this chaos in time.
Now again, I seek escape,
from all these mistakes
that were made along the way,
to any foreign world...
or sanctum without a cage.
I thought I was better than this!
...And yet like a snail,
I have left a trail of slime
all while mistakenly thinking
I was leaving it behind.
.