It’s like
Losing diamonds
While playing
Amongst the rocks.
Or maybe
It’s like
Being the
Villain,
And hero
In a story.
For sure it’s
Like
Being a human,
Who has to
Manage
The gravity
Of heaven
And hell.
No language
Can truly
Decipher
The code named
bipolar.
It’s too complex.
It doesn’t make sense.
Its a plethora
Of
Violent
Emotional
Contradictions.
You can’t fix me
Because
I’m not broken
I am
Just
Me
Now Let me
manage
This peaceful torment.
Because I can
See,
But still blind
To the fact
That 2poles
Can’t be controlled.

Loving you was my greatest flaw, yet the pain was so beautiful .  

I held myself captive trying to find freedom within your embrace.

I’m glad you’ve released me because i didn’t have the strength to let you go.

I’ll burn this poem, in a fiery pit of celebration that signifies my growth.

I can finally think about  me, and only me.

your love is burnt into my memories and it turned my feelings into ash.

Life has clipped my wings, yet you still fear
The day I fly.

My bundles of chirps sound like a masterpiece of a song , yet they signify my cries for help.

No matter what tune I play, others seem to dance to the agony.

Now i know  what it feels like to be a caged bird, to feel Stashed away.

Left wishing for the day that I learn how to fly.

I’ll always harbor harsh feelings to my captors, and The harsh feelings that I harbor are aimed at myself for never leaving my nest.

I am human yet my cages are mental illnesses, psychiatric wards, and pills.

I truly wished I learned how to be strong at a young age.

Now I pray that my body withers away, because it’s destined to be stuck in a cage.

Black ice

It can’t be seen only felt
You won’t know it exist
Until you fall
You won’t feel pain
Until your already on the ground
Adding to the coldness
I was safe
I was warm
Until I took my first step
I slipped
Never knew I could fall so hard
On black ice
You aren’t here
But your presence is
And I slipped on black ice
Your my first step
The most painful
The most embarrassing
But I still managed to fall
**** I couldn’t stay on my feet
But I sure do feel the numbing sensation of the ice
How could I be so reckless
I’ve been surrounded
By black ice my whole life
How could I fall for you
My traumas
Bad ex’s
My deep self hatred
How could I fall for you
Once again

For years
I was emotionally
Bleeding out.
I was bleeding
On
Those who didn’t
Cut me.
The
Red river
Just kept on
Flowing. But
I tried to
Gasp
For air
In the silence.
The more I
Struggled
alone.
The more
I bled.
Smoking ,
Drinking
& ***,
Couldn’t
Bandage
The open wounds.
Nothing
I did for
Myself worked.
It started
To get
Cold.
I was losing
The only
Thing
Keeping me
Heated.
But I
Also
Felt
The warm
Embrace
Of the heavens.
As I drift in
And out of
Consciousness.
I sit and
Wonder
Will I
Be saved.

Eternal

It follows me every where I go
It feels like it never leaves my side
It is Killing me internally
For eternity pain will be wit me
After we have a fall out
my pain seems to run back
We have so much chemistry
I think pain is my soulmate
My pain is in love wit me
So obsessed
It won’t let me be free
I got used to the burning  
Now I am anemic
I’ve been freezing
My pain changes like the seasons
No like bipolar mood swings
Or does it change like water
I am at eternal war wit my pain
I’m in pain but don’t yell
No wonder it feels eternal
I’m fighting pain alone

I hate humans, the most flawed beings that roam.

They consider the victors win as true peace, instead of actual unity.

They lie in the name of love, instead of loyalty and integrity.

They revel in the chaos, instead of actually helping, trying to help.

They are personification of the meaning flawed.

But I have a greater flaw.

I have a mental illness, so if I think a human is flawed.

What does that make me?

I haven’t found the answer yet, but can you handle this struggle?

He’s the embodiment of glass
When he is confident he is bulletproof
When he’s insecure he is easily shattered
He can be his greatest ally  
But he can also be his own worst enemy
When he is strong he finishes first
when he doubts himself he finishes last
He doesn’t realize how much power he has
The influence he has on his own world and everything around him is prevalent
His presence is calm, stable and irreplaceable
when he steps in a room the atmosphere changes
He has the ability to attract others
He has the ability to lead others
He has the ability to influence the world
Although he may not love or believe in himself
He is reminded everyday how special he is by the people who love him
Once he fully believes in himself he will be the strength that he would greatly depend on
Just like earth he is vital to life
He is he

You are the sun.
       Vital
To my life. I adore
      You.
I praise you  for
     Nurturing
The crops i so
   Desperately
Wanted to grow.

I Cherish your
     Warmth.
I wanted to get
      Closer,
My life has been
         So
Cold, so I flew
         To
You. out of natural
       Instinct.
        

You were so dam
   Mesmerizing.
I wanted to stare
         At
You for an
    Eternity.
Or until I and
Everything else
     ceased
to exist.

But I stared too
        Long.
Looking at the
       Sun
Made me lose
       My
Vision. I became
      Blind.

On my  journey
          To
The sun the
     Warmth
Melted the wax
         In
My magnificent wings.
           Now
I am falling into
          The
ocean below me.  

I still don’t hate
          The
Sun. I’m just
      Happy
That I got to
   Experience
It once in my
     Lifetime.

It is brave to
    Love
Because heroes
Sacrifice their
Lives in the name
     Of it

Love manifests
       Into
Beautiful things
It breeds life
     &peace

Love is truly the
      Best
Emotion to feel
It makes ones
     Heart

It’s addicting once
      You
experience it
You will crave it
      For life  

People will go
   To the
Ends of the
Earth to taste
This magnificent
        Drug

That’s why love
      Has
A caution to it
“Buyers remorse”

Love isn’t perfect
       Like
Humans fantasize
Its dangerous

Love can be the
    Reason
You may no
Longer be living

People **** for
       Love
Wars have started
Because of it

Will one live a
   Storybook
Life full of  fulfillment
    Or will
They be eternally
     Damaged
By love itself

As a man I have
No fears. I will
Face death if
The time was
Right.


As a man I can be
A rock to those
Who need comfort.

As a man I can be
Emotionless under
Pressure. I can handle
About anything.

As a man I can get
Beat, and  still manage
To get up and throw
punches.

As a man I’m ok
I’m doing everything that
Was taught

But as a
Human
I’m not.

Your name is a pretty word with
A deep meaning
A word that everyone should know
But no one gets
But I do
To me
Your name
Is redamancy
Hearing your name
Is like the blissful
Rings of an “ I love you”
Your name
Is only a word
That may be
Lost in modern language
But Im so happy that
We had this
serendipitous encounter
If I never would have found
Your name
I would still be searching
in the darkness
Your name
A word
But to me it’s so much more
But the others
Your still waiting to be found

My body is stained in blood
Down to the core,
As the poison leaks from my
Nervous System.

My wounded brain is bleeding.
Forming red rashes, red emotions,
And red torment.
All I see is red, and that’s because
it’s the only Way I’ll be able to
identify the pain.

As my lightskin receives damage,
It is covered in an array of colors.
The Scars are my tattoos.

As my broken mind tries to comprehend
What is happening my emotions
Turn to rage.

Emotions soaked in hatred from the depths of the black, memories bleached  in white, only brung down from the oh so sorrowful blues.

I want to see the world in a vibrant green, or yellow, so that I can finally feel alive.

My base is red which leads to black, which leads to white memories, which leads to blue emotions, which then leads to a portrait of a tumultuous life.

My masterpiece will come after I cleanse my palette.

Your presence is
A present to the universe
Your more beautiful then life itself
How can you go unnoticed
Your existence is
Mans greatest gift
You are the manifestation
Of peace
Love
Prosperity
And healing

in
An everlasting winter solstice
Soul freezing
Body shivering
With my blood turning into solids
As I wait for the warmth of spring
But it hadn’t come
3 months turned into 16 cold years
Just waiting for the death to be over
Each day I hoped I would
Experience the rebirth of spring
But it hadn’t come
All I’ve witnessed was the death of the planet
With a sea of endless white crystals
Born in April
But can’t seem to remember
The feelings of my birth season
I hoped I would get to see the love
Spring provides
And it finally came
It came in the form of you
I’ve finally got to feel spring
And it’s warmth
It’s love
And I finally felt alive
You managed to even show my dark side
The love it was secretly craving
It feels like I’m at home in my natural
Habitat of spring

Night time
When I think
The most thoughts
When I crumble
It is when I sit
Alone  
In despair  
But night time
Is when
I see the moon
With millions
Of my brothers and sisters
Some dance
Some shoot
But they all have
The undeniable
gleam
That all stars
Possess
simply Dazzling
Stars are
Reminders
That even on the
Darkest nights
They will shed light

If you don’t let your past die
It won’t let you live
Think too far ahead
into the future
You will vanish
from the present
No one will ever know
The violence it took
To become this
Gentle
Through all the pain
I felt homeless
Begging for change
The closer
I came to you
The further
I strayed from myself
Always looking for
More from people
But
I am that more
I’ve been searching
For myself
For so long
Idc if I’m labeled
As a sin
I’ll live
Life
For self
I’ll always
Remember
Strength isn’t
Measured
By the battles
I overcame
By myself
But instead
It’s a measure
Of how you choose
To love anyway

-things I wished I believe

Thank you

You have more Skills
Than the professionals.
You’ve managed
To keep me alive.

All of the times I’ve felt alone.
All the times I’ve collapsed.
You tried to resuscitate
Me.

Since I’ve almost Died.
I felt every Significant,
Forceful breath.
Even though  
My lungs were
Filled with fluids,
From the ruptures.
You gave me
Air.

I’ve felt  Your strength,
Through The steps
Of Chest compressions.
As my bones began
To crack.

my soul Was fading
From the land
Of the living, And
I’ve seen you
Try everything
In Your power
To keep
My heart beating.

In my
Dying breath,
And with the
Final word that
I Can muster.
I thank you
Because
I’ve
Always wanted
To get a
Second chance.

And for you I promise
To Hold on. I will
Keep fighting
For you.
The blood
Has Started to flow.

Now it’s time
For you
To have faith In me
To pull through.

If I were deaf
I would Still hear
the whispers

Causing me to
become Blind
Making me question?
Will I ever see the light again

So used to
The smell of
Rotting corpses
Even roses
Carry that
Stench

Tastes so horrid
I refuse to
take a bite of
      Life

Showing signs
Of suic……
Ive lost all
touch with reality

I’m senseless

able to jump 50 feet
        Yet Your 6  
are unreachable

My invisible guardian
        Angels
Ooh how I wish
We could’ve
        met

Thank you for
   Fighting
The battles That
are so phantom
    To me
  
Thank you for
    Gifting me
With your strength
I am now able to
         Live

I am my mothers
     First born
But what about
      The 3

I will always
     Honor
Them as my heavenly
      Angels

This is my love
       Letter
To my unborn
     Siblings

I love you
   Make
Heaven
Home for
     Me

Tip toe around death
cause I heard heaven was one hell of a place
After every funeral
Life must go on
Ppl talk about time heals
What about the things time kills
Tiptoe around love
Cause I’ve always loved you more
Hearts don’t break even
I gave you your heart back
U gave me mine back in pieces
No you just shattered
More of the broken pieces
Gave you all my love
Invested so much now I got no heart left
Tip toe around happiness
Because of the things I’ve done
Regardless of my past
I hope you see my heart is pure
It was just tainted
Tip toe around you
Cause your unattainable
Felt like u was home
But Got evicted
Now I survive by my lonely
Went from love birds To strangers
It all happened overnight
All that is left is a distant memory
Tip toe around myself
Because I’m me
A hopeless romantic
With the strength of kings
Can heal others
But can’t heal self
No one really felt what I felt
That’s why I tip toe
Like a thief in the night
To sneak
And creep
Around the madness

Trees symbolize
Life.
From a vulnerable
Seed.
That has
To be protected.
Into a
Source of oxygen.
That gives
Life,
To others.
But now that I
Grew.
Like a tree
Standing firm
Against
The wind.
Trees symbolized
Death.
Wether I use my
Body as an
Ornament.
Or if
I stick my car
Against the
Bark
Like sap.
Trees symbolize
Death.
No wonder a trees
Silent.
No one can relate
To the pain
Required
To grow.
Trees symbolize
Me.
From a small
Child.
That grew
Into
A great man.
I too suffered
In the silence.
As I watched
My leaves fall.
I was dead.
But with
The help
Of the sun.
I started
To bare fruit.
And
Now others can
See
That I grew.

The common theme
Of growing old isn’t
So common to me.
I want to live a short
Impactful life
And it’s frowned upon
I’m supposed to
Grow with the pain
Nurture it
And sustain a
“ stable life”
But what if my tale
Was meant to be short
What if my purpose
Was to touch many souls,
And be gone in an instant.
What if I was meant to be an angel
But I had to  heal
The wickedness first
What if my battle is over and I,
Earned my rights to the heavens.
That what if
Is still unknown.
It will only be answered
By god

Ps.
I plan to tell you if I rewrote my destiny  
                  Til we meet again

Sticks and stones
may break my bones
But words will never hurt me
Is what I would preach
to my inner child
But It was all a facade
As my heart drowned
In the venom of your words
The bruises
The scratches
The breaks
None of it hurt more then your words
Broken bones turn callus  
Scratches turn into scars
And bruises fade away
But your words
Stuck with me
More then things things
That are meant to actually hurt me