Sometimes I break down when  I realize
That most of my life has left me traumatized
Never could accept the way I was created
Only wishing that one day, my presence starts fading

Sometimes I break down when I see
The person I’m supposed to be
But held back by fear & self doubt
I remain that forbidden soul lost within the cloud

Sometimes I break down from false happiness & lying
How I struggle from crying
Knowing that the pain is overwhelming but I carry the weight
Of being the one to hold it all together but at the end of the day
who’s gonna be the one to stop me from feeling this way

P e n c a s ******>

Let me fly, Let me die
Say goodbye, Don’t ask why
See you again, my time is up
Drugs weren’t enough, I gave up

Heart’s cried too many tears
Soul’s burnt out from abuse
Spirit surrounded by fears
No point of living, what’s the use

I made my mark, time to go
Where I’ll end up, we don’t know
I wish you the best, I’ll remain by your side
Guiding your path along the ride

Let me fly, Let me die
Say goodbye, Don’t ask why
See you again, my time is up
Just promise me through it all, you won’t give up
- P e n c a s ******>

We used to be very close but somewhere down the road, we parted ways
You fell for someone & the day he came around, things haven’t been the same
Haven’t been happy in a long time but you started showing me it doesn’t matter
Tried talking about it but the discussion we had only made me sadder
I faked a smile until I couldn’t fake it anymore so now I exist in silence
We’ll never be a happy family if there’s no sign for an alliance
You always tell me to speak how I feel but in the end, what’s the use?
When you’re just gonna give me that “I’m living my life” excuse?
You don’t understand the heartbreak I feel within
It’s deja vu & here you are walking away from me all over again
Although I’m all grown up, I’m still your baby boy struggling to share the love
That I used to have growing up & it gave me the faith to never give up
I get it that you wanna be happy but you forgot about your family
I thought it was all a dream until I woke up & saw it was true reality
You don’t know the tears I’ve cried knowing that my mom is no longer present
It’s the same pain I felt when I was living as an adolescent
I lost my dad when I was younger & the last thing I needed was to lose you
And I can’t talk to God being so angry that it won’t bring peace or get thru to you
I lost my best friend, the Queen of the Kingdom, & my Dear Mother
It feels like you know I’m not happy but it’s my pain you won’t bother to discover
It’s pure jealousy of my part because I still can’t accept someone else being around
To take away all of your time leaving me feeling like maybe I let you down
Never thought it would come to this but I can no longer carry these tears
I can no longer live in this home knowing that I’m fading away due to the fears
Fearing that the day will come & you’ve completed forgotten about me
Leaving me alone for you to live forever after without me
This wasn’t my idea for a Mother’s Day gift but this is my poem’s cry
As I cry thru this confession asking myself why
Why did I have to lose my mom? Why am I feeling like I don’t have anything left inside?
Telling myself & you that I’m okay knowing that I’m lying
I’m sorry if I’m feeling like I’m losing you but things are truly changing
Maybe I’m stopping us from being a family but maybe there’s still time for saving
Every rose needs the rain sometimes but this rose is dying out
Struggling to stay alive a bit longer but the petals have officially cried out
                                                   - Pencasso

I’ve been looking for love in temporary places where it can’t be found
Looking for that loyalty with one night stands that couldn’t hold me down
Love making all over the bedroom except the one place where it should be
Falling for the same temptation that I hoped wouldn’t catch me
Charming whoever falls for it knowing what we have won’t last long
Walking away after making love knowing it’s not where my heart belongs
Making love to you vs them is different when it’s passionate between us
I’m doing all this casual hookups knowing your heart breaking is my weakness
For the longest, I’ve been blind by the temptations of love that I ignored
The main one that my heart became attached to adored
*** Ain’t Better Than Love but I needed to feel the void of being alone
Knowing that I was out there by myself & wasn’t ready to establish a home
A boy can’t be a man when he’s too busy still trying to live immaturely
Seeking something pleasuring yet short lived cause he hasn’t learned to love fully
Not sure what the objective was but no source of happiness was discovered
Thought I was looking out for myself when in reality, my heart’s the one that suffered
I guess one must be foolish before he realizes when a true love isn’t present
Making all the right mistakes before he starts to truly miss the perfect blessing
I’ve been sexually attached to a few but there’s nothing like falling for what’s yours
Knowing that the greatest feeling in the world is the love that’s made to be just for you

                                               - Pencasso

I’m sorry I can’t be your man baby although you think of me daily
Sending messages to my phone saying how much you love me crazy
We used to speak every day but now I call you sporadically
Just to see how you’ve been doing or to create love cinematically
I tell you not to fall for me when a part of me only wants to lay with you
Kiss you from head to toe right before I get up & proceed to leaving you
I’m expecting you to tell me that you’re done with the mind games
Done with the ***** calling & acting like I have no shame
You always tell me to live my life but to keep my privates on a leash
Cause to you, it’s all yours & you’d rather not share the heat
You tell me that deep down, I only wanna hit it when I’m lonely but I agree
Cause I’m not ready to settle for love which is why I can’t let you love me
*** became easier to find but only when the bond is strong
And sexing you is what I’ll never leave cause it’s where my temporary attachment belongs
I keep telling myself that it’s not all about the *** between us but what else is there?
For us to conquer when it’s clear that the love we want isn’t meant to be shared?
I know I’m wrong for loving you this way but my ego won’t let me let go
Knowing that once I find what I need, I’ll be forced to let you go
The truth within it all is that I can’t be your man & I can’t be seen with you
I’m only supposed to come through whenever we miss each other to make love to you
No strings attached but someway somehow, you’ve grown to fall in love with me
Ignoring the fact that you’ll never be the one to be with me
My only objective was to please you like I’m supposed to then pull off
But here we mixed in confusion of mixed signals but still I can’t even cut you off

I used to envy these guys, I wanted to be these guys
They got all the attention from the girls & they loved these guys
I wanted to walk like these guys & talk like these guys
And although they ain’t worth it, women fell hard for these guys
They carried the swagger, the presence, & the confidence that I wish I had
But always lacked but to see how women would chase em made me mad
What’s so special about these guys that’s making em irresistible?
When they don’t have any feelings & be flipping more than reciprocals
For all this time, I’ve been looking for what I was missing
Only to realize the big picture that never gained my attention
I was that guy on the sideline watching all these good girls fall short
Then trying to make em smile again but provide comfort support
I never was the average hood guy that they all seemed to adore
Just another joke to their eyes that their egos chose to ignore
What’s the benefits of being like one of these guys?
Breaking hearts & being a **** boy like these other guys
I’ve always wondered if it was worth the risk
To have random broads playing with my joystick
Wasting their time for my own pleasure & amusement
They know I won’t change but they still anticipate an improvement
Mess their heads up to have them think that we’re actually gonna be together
When in reality, I’m just occupying my time until I make her thighs wetter
It seems like that’s the new trend that’s attracting all the women
Fall in love with a fool whose only interest is to go swimming
Yet I still envy these guys cause I wanna be like these guys
Not for the ***, but to get the love that women give these guys

I never detail the contemplations to which my mind steers me
Forcing me to see that demon in the mirror that still drives this fear in me
It’s the fear of hitting my breaking point but not sure of how far I’ll go
Just to ease the pain I suffer from & will it cause my blood to flow
I keep having this dream where I’m stuck inside a bathroom, sitting in a bathtub
With a bottle of liquor, a razor blade, & a loaded gun sitting next to me on the floor
Candles lit, music blasting, but here I am shedding tears that everyone else ignores
I’m questioning why I never talk about these issues when i already know the reason
Revealing the dark truth about my suffering while trying stop many from leaving
So should I drink my sorrows away or take a bullet to the brain
Or cut myself to drown in a tub of blood before someone calls me mentally insane
Which poison do I choose? Which evil is worse than the other?
If this inner demon comes outta me, would the pain still be hard to discover?
I remain trapped within the mind as I stare at the ceiling as Monster plays in my head
Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I either snap out of it or I end up dead
Clock’s ticking, blood’s spilling, liquor’s burning my liver, & my soul starts to shiver
I feel the monster inside of me coming out but I can’t bare to look into the mirror
Do I face the music finally or do I keep running away as it keeps breaking me down?
Pretending to be okay knowing on the inside my death is due to be announced
I’m in the final seconds & I still haven’t made my decision
Blade in my left hand with the gun cocked in my right
Threw the blade on the floor before I put the gun to my head
Saying my last goodbye to those I love but then I get that phone call
It’s my best friend crying hysterically trying to catch my fall
There’s a pound on the door but I’m refusing to open it
Cocking the gun back once more right before the door gets broken
BANG the gun goes off & I black out, waking up on the floor unconscious
Then I open my eyes seeing 3 people standing over me as I become nauseous
They pull me up as I’m looking over at the tub to realize that it was never real
It wasn’t me in the tub that I was trying to ****
No gun, no blade, & no bottle present just my phone face down with the music still playing
I just fell asleep on the floor next to that anxiety bottle that I was taking
But it made me realize how I got lost in that world seeking any way to escape
Even it it meant taking out myself just to get me away from that hell crafted place