I didn’t realise how much of me held you

I want to date for the fun of it
Wake up in someone’s bed because I can
But I keep scattering my heart about in hopes someone will see me
Choose me
And stay

I don’t want to be embraced and told it’s ok to be this way I want to be moved not told to stay

We didn’t even date and yet you get angry like you have a claim to my person
We didn’t even date and yet you try and change my choices
We didn’t even date

I made a playlist while we were together and it’s been left untouched because you left before I got the chance to give you songs that reminded me of you

Am I in love with you?
Or just wanting you to like me
Is it a fear of commitment
Or am I confused
Sometimes I think this feeling is jealousy
But when I think of you kissing someone else I don’t really care
Do I love you
Or the idea that you love me
Is it attention I want
Or your arms wrapped around me
Am I scared of loving you
Or loving the idea of being loved

I fell in love with you
In everything you do
Your scent your smile
Your anger your happiness
I fell in love because I liked the way you contemplate which Ice cream to get
How you explained why stars are beautiful
I fell in love with how you loved
I fell in love with how you felt
I fell in love with everything that makes
You

I’m scared of living to late
That I’ll miss the best chance of feeling alive
Because I can’t take failure
I’m tired of spending days trying to feel okay again
And one day I know I will need to fail
To go through the feelings of being alive
I don’t know if I can handle that

I’m walking through fog
The future Blurry and Unknown
I wish I could say I like surprises
That I look forward to where I end up
I’m terrified
I’ll make one mistake and there’s no retry
No quick fix and I’ll end up walking miles to nothing

Love yourself more
Love yourself enough that when you meet someone you do not cry when they leave because you were enough
Love yourself until the heartbreak no longer feels like pain and you can love someone else with as much love as you give yourself
Love yourself More

You told me you liked me but then we continue like friends I don’t know why you act as it never happened if only you had asked I would’ve said yes

I still see you in my living room but you no longer sit on the couch
I see you in the backyard smiling into the sun but whenever I get closer you fade away I hope we will meet again and my heart can bare this pain until then

One day you will not be on my mind
And when I no longer think of you
I hope I am happier than right now

I’m drowning and my only lifeline left me
Throwing the rope to someone else
I wish I learned to swim
Because I can only save myself

I find reasons to message you
Only to get a one word reply
Why do I try to get you to see me
I just wish you’d see me

I’m dancing in a club to forget you our song comes on and I stop breathing how am I supposed to move on if I stand still at the memory of you.

I could fall for your smile
I could fall for your charm
I could fall for your face
I could fall for your voice
But they do not belong to me
And you are not happy because of me
I could fall for you
But you are loved already

You were everything I wanted to be but you were not me

This chess game of ours will end in a draw  Neither a win nor a loss just a game with no outcome
Even the right moves will not always end in checkmate
But with you I’m stuck in place

We tiptop around our feelings in hopes the other will say it first but I’m to untrusting and you’re worried about change

I want to live well but I don’t think it’ll happen where I am and who I am can’t change in a day I want to get a job but there are non around me so I’m making it by off government money and my father tells me I can stay but I don’t want to live this life staying forever out of fear nothing can change

I hope you live well
That you are loved and happy
And one day when you miss me
I hope I’m somewhere there

She was beautiful
I couldn’t even look at her eyes afraid I’d stare forever if I did
I don’t know what it was that made her amazing
Plain and boring a normal person you’d never think twice about but
She was beautiful
And that was suffocating

I’m choking on my existence
Didn’t even want it in the first place
Now I’m struggling
Dealing with the consequences of being born
I just want to live
But surviving seems to be my way of life

I feel like a ghost in my own home I keep to myself even though I live here I feel out of place like I’m visiting someone for the first time
That weird thing you do on the couch were you try to not take up to much room were if your offered food you politely declined feeling like a nuisance to get the food they paid for trying to not touch anything but also clean up because even though it’s not your mess your a guest so it fine but this is my home I walk so quietly like I’d disturb the dead I know this is home so why do I feel like a stranger when it’s all I know

You broke my heart like you were use to it
I took you back trying to find the pieces of me
You came back with a grin if only I had know I was there for your humour
Weeks go by and you leave again and I was more shattered than the first time even though some part of me had realised you’d go
I guess I’m use to it
When people leave they take a piece of you with them maybe it’s so you always have a missing part of you or because that’s the trophy they collect once they finish their game who knows I don’t but I’ll move on because a part of me will always love them but I will not stay chasing my past to not see my future

I want to make friends
But it always ends in failure
From beings terrible at keeping a conversation
To being left on read
I want to expand my bubble
But that’s hard to do
When even thing I say
is just not worth your time
From lol and wbu  
To
emoji face and seen :10.30
maybe I’m just hard to talk to or I just haven’t tried enough
But I didn’t know talking to people my age was as hard as it was

I miss the smile you had when you saw the sun the way stars were the best part of the day
Talking about things you enjoyed didn’t stop at once sentence
I loved how you fell so quickly finding love in anyone how running felt
falling in the grass
Swimming in the pool
I miss the parts of me I lost growing up
I’ve falling out of love with myself

Sometimes I imagine your tongue lightly kissing my neck with your eyes the smile into my memory your name I could not whisper enough for the stars to know and the bittersweet taste of regret has made its home in my bed
agony curls its self around my bones like chains that remind me I belong to you and even if I turn into the land we stand on I will see you again.

I can’t wrap my head around my thoughts
Sometimes all I can do is think
Think like a tv with a static screen
A buzzing that won’t go away
The constant this or that
And then nothing at all like an empty house whose floorboards creek with a whisper from the wind
Sometimes I prefer nothing at all the silence
The empty streets that echo my step when I walk knowing it’s just me
But then it can be to much its hail on my roof as I toss an turn trying to get everything to stop when silence is loud
A blizzard that comes so quickly like a scream from a man with no voice to be heard
To the fly I hear buzz in the dark
I wish my silence was peaceful enough that I could sleep

Sometimes I wonder why I go back to you
When every time it ends in one of us leaving
You say you miss me but never message
Maybe you want me too crawl
But your not worth that much
I don’t need you
But i go back anyway
Maybe it’s being alone
That i fear so much

I’m the one who locked myself in
But I still look outside

I say i love you like hello
Missing you quietly
Your warmth seeps into my bed sheets
Remind me of your embrace
You reminding me of dew in the morning
Sticking to everything i have including myself

I am worried about my future
Everyone says it's fine
That i can take it slow
I’m young i don't need to know what i
Want to do
But I am lost in a backstreet road that i have never walked down
A forgotten town that i don’t know the streets too
I am lost and everyone says it's fine
Without knowing the way or the destination
They tell me too keep going but what if the places I find
Are not what i wanted
What have i wanted
Were am i wanted

I am worried about my future
Everyone says it's fine
That i can take it slow
I’m young i don't need to know what i
Want to do
But I am lost in a backstreet road that i have never walked down
A forgotten town that i don’t know the streets too
I am lost and everyone says it's fine
Without knowing the way or the destination
They tell me too keep going but what if the places I find
Are not what i wanted
What have i wanted
Were am i wanted

and what if there chains i think tie me down aren't tied to anything and the only thing holding me back is my fear of being free

the glass is refillable

Depression is the demon in my bed that keeps me warm
It becomes my only friend when I push everyone else away
It knows my fears and wishes
Depression walks with me at night we talk to the stars and whisper with the trees
Depression nodded along when I told my father I’m suicidal depression hugged me in the backseat when he didn’t reply
Depression has kept me company when no one else did it shows me how beautiful the world can be because I know I will miss it
I will miss life but I don’t with to be living maybe my ghost will wonder the world and if that will be the case maybe happiness will come along

You may be your fathers kin but you are not your fathers sin
And you are not becoming a monster just when you look in the mirror you see one
The alcoholic mother who couldn’t kiss you goodbye and the father who seeped in toughness always telling you to be a man I’m sorry
Sorry he hit you because you wanted a doll that was to girly or had your nails painted to the boys who got called names and home life’s weren’t to great do not become that man or woman in your life don’t see them in your reflection because I know you don’t like bullying the nerdy kids I know you miss the life in your photo that hides in your bookshelf the one where your mum was shining and your dad still a hero in your eyes
I’m sorry you grew up to quickly and can’t cry to your friends that boys are tough is a saying because showing your pain shouldn’t make it worse I’m sorry our society couldn’t save you

I want to stop worrying about all the things I should forget

My knight in rusted armour
Lay down your beaten sword
Your brethren are below your every step
Our king is upon a throne to a burning kingdom
Your princess lays asleep in an open casket

My knight in rusted armour

And some days I wish I could tell myself I’m okay
Without crumbling beneath the weight

If this bed is to be my burial ground
I will lay in it anyway

I cannot remember my happiness
I can find it in dandelions and sleeping under the sun at just the right peak
I can find it in figures and posters that make me excited but I can’t remember the last time I just went to sleep
When I didn’t crumble beneath the bedsheets
That good day I had was a distant memory
When I want to wake up for tomorrow
Not wishing to stay in my bed
When my excitement becomes disappointment because I have no one to tell
I am happy in a way that makes me sad