As I lay my heart to rest
I pray my minds decisions are best
To be cold and strong today
Is better than being thrown away
I won’t be discarded
I won’t be used
This heart needs rest
No more abuse
I slept tonight and live tomorrow
For time is something I cannot borrow.

Nothing from my mouth means much
I am silenced
I am unheard
Nothing from my mouth carries volume
I am over looked
I am unappreciated
Nothing from my mouth makes sense
As I am driven away with screams from your mouth that seem to hold much power in my head.
My mouth will have power once again.

The waters running
overflowing
The music is blaring
The neighbors are calling
The cops are coming
Gate jumping
Laughing
Friends wondering
Tree climbing and fun having
Knees scraping
Grass staining
Street lighting
Curfew having
Morning waking
Fun day repeating
Ice cream melting
Ball throwing
Frisbee catching
Abandon buildings exploring
Window breaking
Sugar cane tasting
Memory making

I just keep thinking about putting these flowers to my head
Will they take the pain away
The thoughts
Maybe they grow from my ears and leave me a beautiful bouquet to be remembered by.

You wont see me fall
Draining my body with a sword sharpened on both sides
The blood draining and whole in my skin
The safety taken
The protection nonexistent
The i love you words that took place before i had a piece of metal inside me
The gun put to my head and the begging to be dead because the nightmares will never end
I pulled the trigger
I did it
But the bullet was non lethal And when i my body fell it was just from exhaustion
I let the thorns pierce my fingers
The way your sword did
The fear to be in your sites were like being in the line of fire
I run but the bullets faster
The words flowing from your mouth like a type writer on paper just watching to make sure no mistakes are made
But the words you formed
Your a mistake
Im the mistake he said
The cracking of broken bones like the snapping of twigs beneath your feet
Where do you have the right
Where do you have the right to walk this earth with the not insane people
Let the ringing in my ears heard from miles away like my screams that were ignored by police who follow up on the black and blue and the ****** proof
These green eyes have to be covered they are so seductive
YOU are seductive
In the body that you never gave away he claimed
and  want to destroy
PLEASE pull the trigger
PLEASE shove the blade deeper
But my body always held me up and the people always watched me while i was in the lake drowning
My hand reaching out and their eyes locked on my fingers blue like the sky behind the bird flying that you dream to be
BANG but it was the wall this time and not my head sadly
The cracking noise is back in my ears that ring from my head being slammed into the wall or the concrete floor that my blood drained all over.
But oh the smell of the rubbing alcohol that you loved to press against the inflicted continuous pain that you caused
Can you get the gun
why
because just do it already why threaten the life you've taken already from the soul that reached its breaking point
The soul walked out its just a body now
A body that jumped at the first cliff it sees
The waves crashing over it as it sinks deeper and deeper with the chains that it put on itself
Its not ******.

I'll wait and watch as a flower blooms
The flower that blooms on the cactus in the middle of a desert
As it slowly opens up into something so beautiful
I'll ***** my fingers on the thorns just for the simple taste of beauty within the flower

Feels like my heads going to explode
My bodies a ticking time bomb
These fists hitting the ground wondering where each land mine is.
There’s a tank in my heart shooting these emotions everywhere.
I’m wondering where I’m going to land
If I’ll be in pieces in the end
Which explosive device is going to go off ?
My brain?
My heart?
My mouth?
These eyes ?
Wondering if my temper is going to get the better of me and click this button and end it all.
I’m clutching the gun closer to my chest
Where will I aim ?
Where will it land?

Don't tell me you know the pain I'm feeling
When the breath isn't breathing
and I'm still bleeding
and my baby isn't crying

When there is no rise and fall
and the nurses walk out and go in the hall

When her blue eyes close
And I count all her toes

When I kiss her forehead
When I cant tuck her in and put her to bed

When the life I gave is put to rest
And all my faith is put to the test

When I say goodbye
13 minutes after saying hi

So please
Don't compare the death of my child to the death of your dog
It's not liking losing a family member
although I'm not disregarding your pain
just please don't compare it

My daughter was here on this earth
too beautiful for this life
Too good to be an ordinary person

She had to be an angel
and I had to let her go.

Hope Elizabeth Jane
R.I.P.
07.28.2014

I remember when the world was so vibrant.
Pictures with flows of color
Dresses
Flowers
Before my eyes went on strike
The world was beautiful
Now in black and white.
I’m in an old movie
Waiting for my eyes to yell “action”
And everything becomes vibrant again
But this old movie is here to stay
And I remember and cherish the vibrancy.
I cherish the vibrancy

Younger me would be so proud
And loud
And rejoicing
And voicing all her wins
Younger me would scream from roof tops
And climb the highest mountains
Younger me would be a force
Take every road and every course
Because she would know that I have her and she has me and I am her and I won’t let her fall
Younger me would love so hard and be so far ahead and never be in bed
Younger me would love this life and be here without a fight
Younger me is happy now
Younger me is alive and well

Not from my body
Not of my blood
But a piece of my heart.
A princess
Who calls me auntie

I hope you hold the old her near
Because the new her is the one you don’t seem to like.
Although
You seemed to like her when she coward down in the corner allowing you to talk and cut down everything she stood  and everything she loved.
You took her love for granted and you ran with it
You sure did like her when she allowed you to make a fool of her.
Now she stands by and watches the fool you’ve become.
The fool who’s preaching and swaying around the room as though their words carry no weight.
Don’t worry you’ll soon get tired of carrying those too.
Just as she got tired of carrying the hurt you’ve inflicted the drama you’ve presented and the distrust you’ve built.
When you speak to her she doesn’t put up the wall
She imagines a mirror because the hypocrite you’ve become has been seen by everyone except you.
So please go in to tell her you’ve missed the old her
The new her will continue to laugh and stand her ground.

My brain pushes everything into this big deal
I drop my paint brush and.....its like I'm dying
The end of the world
Like left is left and right is right but what if left is actually right and right is actually left
What if when it rains its just a count down in the amount of times its going to rain till the world ends.
When I ***** up
It's like I dont deserve to be on this planet
Like my breath is a waste
I'm a waste
I burned the cookies I was supposed to make for my niece
Shes going to feel left out
Shes going to hate
My brain thanks me every time i do something correctly
Like thank god I can have a break from tearing myself apart.
Oh look another mistake
Better go jump off that cliff over there
You have nothing better to do all you can do it ***** up
I used my brand new markers the other day
Now I cant use them anymore because then they will run out and I wont have them and they will be gone
The bigger mistakes are even worse
Like I torture myself to sleep because that just how this thing goes
You know
This "chemical imbalance"
This brain of mine man
Just wish I could have a break

These prison doors will open soon
These shackles will be removed
The taste of freedom will dance in my tongue while I dance in the sun
I will slowly walk not run
Enjoying and taking everything and have all the fun
I will not hear the sword sharpen by your mouth any longer
My heart will not be pierced
Do you care ?
I wonder
I shall leave here
I shall not fear
Maybe I’ll even have a beer
A party is to come
Alone I shall be
The person I become
Is someone you’ll not be allowed to see
The darkness will not follow
I’m determined there be no more sorrow
From the person meant to protect me
I’ll soon be smiling and free

I just saw your name
And **** what a shame
You’re still breathing

I keep looking for this on and off switch in my head.
Turning corners
Wondering where the switch is.
Those switches are for my emotions
But I can’t seem to find the right one.
There’s no labels
It’s like going through a fuse box and looking down the hall way to see which switch turns off which room
But this isn’t a room
And there’s no switch to stop all this.