I remember when the world was so vibrant.
Pictures with flows of color
Dresses
Flowers
Before my eyes went on strike
The world was beautiful
Now in black and white.
I’m in an old movie
Waiting for my eyes to yell “action”
And everything becomes vibrant again
But this old movie is here to stay
And I remember and cherish the vibrancy.
I cherish the vibrancy

Younger me would be so proud
And loud
And rejoicing
And voicing all her wins
Younger me would scream from roof tops
And climb the highest mountains
Younger me would be a force
Take every road and every course
Because she would know that I have her and she has me and I am her and I won’t let her fall
Younger me would love so hard and be so far ahead and never be in bed
Younger me would love this life and be here without a fight
Younger me is happy now
Younger me is alive and well

As I lay my heart to rest
I pray my minds decisions are best
To be cold and strong today
Is better than being thrown away
I won’t be discarded
I won’t be used
This heart needs rest
No more abuse
I slept tonight and live tomorrow
For time is something I cannot borrow.

I hope you hold the old her near
Because the new her is the one you don’t seem to like.
Although
You seemed to like her when she coward down in the corner allowing you to talk and cut down everything she stood  and everything she loved.
You took her love for granted and you ran with it
You sure did like her when she allowed you to make a fool of her.
Now she stands by and watches the fool you’ve become.
The fool who’s preaching and swaying around the room as though their words carry no weight.
Don’t worry you’ll soon get tired of carrying those too.
Just as she got tired of carrying the hurt you’ve inflicted the drama you’ve presented and the distrust you’ve built.
When you speak to her she doesn’t put up the wall
She imagines a mirror because the hypocrite you’ve become has been seen by everyone except you.
So please go in to tell her you’ve missed the old her
The new her will continue to laugh and stand her ground.

Not from my body
Not of my blood
But a piece of my heart.
A princess
Who calls me auntie

Nothing from my mouth means much
I am silenced
I am unheard
Nothing from my mouth carries volume
I am over looked
I am unappreciated
Nothing from my mouth makes sense
As I am driven away with screams from your mouth that seem to hold much power in my head.
My mouth will have power once again.

My brain pushes everything into this big deal
I drop my paint brush and.....its like I'm dying
The end of the world
Like left is left and right is right but what if left is actually right and right is actually left
What if when it rains its just a count down in the amount of times its going to rain till the world ends.
When I ***** up
It's like I dont deserve to be on this planet
Like my breath is a waste
I'm a waste
I burned the cookies I was supposed to make for my niece
Shes going to feel left out
Shes going to hate
My brain thanks me every time i do something correctly
Like thank god I can have a break from tearing myself apart.
Oh look another mistake
Better go jump off that cliff over there
You have nothing better to do all you can do it ***** up
I used my brand new markers the other day
Now I cant use them anymore because then they will run out and I wont have them and they will be gone
The bigger mistakes are even worse
Like I torture myself to sleep because that just how this thing goes
You know
This "chemical imbalance"
This brain of mine man
Just wish I could have a break

I just saw your name
And **** what a shame
You’re still breathing

I keep looking for this on and off switch in my head.
Turning corners
Wondering where the switch is.
Those switches are for my emotions
But I can’t seem to find the right one.
There’s no labels
It’s like going through a fuse box and looking down the hall way to see which switch turns off which room
But this isn’t a room
And there’s no switch to stop all this.