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Katlynn Grilli Feb 2019
I'll hold myself
I'll be alright
I'll stand strong
I'll continue to fight
I moved out at 12
Beaten at 13
Hushed by the voices who spoke for me
Sitting in the back or any corner of a room
Sitting where no one else will
Frightened by every "boom"
Developed things I didn't know about
Was I born with it ?
Am I just now noticing?
Am I getting worse ?
My best friend vanished
I wore his blood as the questions spilled in like water after the dam is broken
Staring off in a gaze because he was all i had at that point and I just lost it all
The gun shot RINGING in my ears
The blood staining my clothes and skin and even with the shower the mirror would show it all
The "I love you " text message that was the last thing I had gotten from him or heard from him
Did he really or was he just saying good bye
I love you too
But it didn't matter
I didn't make it there in time
And his blood splattered
His body limp and his head just... His head
His wrists were.....
His face still had tears
His life was taken
His breath is gone
His heart beat isn't beating
Just a flat line ____
No matter how long I waiting this wasn't a movie and the rise wouldn't come
Just a flat line
So I will forever just draw curves
Because I hate flat lines.
Katlynn Grilli Feb 2019
Cut the canvas
And the red paint forms into a beautiful rose
Roses form everywhere
This rose bush grows and grows
With the simple slit from the razor blade.
Katlynn Grilli Feb 2019
Hush little child
Don't you fear
Mommy is fine
It's just a tear
I feel the guilt
I feel the sorrow
If only I had someones strength to borrow
To fight for you
To fight for me
But mainly for you
I'd take it again is I could have you forever
But his fists took you his feet took you
And he borrowed the strength of 10 men while i had the strength of 1
The odds were against me
But I fought anyways
Mommy is okay
She just misses you
Mommy dreams of you every night and wishes for you when she wakes up
Wishes you could grow up on the smell of blooming grapefruit like she did
Mommy loves you
No matter what
Mommy will fall sometimes
She will cry and she will wake up crying for you
But you don't have to worry because mommy knows your walking street of gold and buildings made of stars.
Mommy will break down some times
But don't you worry mommy is fine
Mommy will light candles for you on your birthday
Candles that smell like vanilla and coconut
Sweet smells will fill the air for you
For mommy's sweet little angel
Mommy will hold your memory close
Mommy will think abut those blue eyes and blonde hair
Mommy will remember the softness of your cheek against her lips
Mommy will hurt
But mommy hurts because she loves you
Mommy is thankful to have met you
Mommy will tell the world of your existence and she will never let your name leave her thoughts
Mommy will love you forever
and ever
Even if she didn't get forever with you
Mommy will forever love you
Cherish you
And remember you in the most beautiful ways
Mommy will dream of you
Mommy will never let you go
Because I'm your mommy
And mommy loves you
Katlynn Grilli Feb 2019
I wish it all back on you
Blood stained the floor dripping from her nose an her mouth
Bruises on her chest and slits on her wrist
One done to her and the other done by her self
She runs a bath
She undresses in the bathtub afraid that the camera in her own home will capture her and be used in a sick sinful way
Her privacy is no longer private to her even when it is
Blood stains the water
Water staining the carpet
The blood soaked water soaked carpet
At least she can inflict her own pain and someone else has no control
Its all her
She gets dressed behind a curtain pushed against the corner in the bathroom because there just is no hiding
The two way mirror in her own home that doesn't exist seems to haunt her thought more than a ghost or demon ever will
She checks her windows, doors, closet, and home once more,
She looks under her bed for the 5th time because her nightmares could very well come true
I wish you were as afraid of me as I am of you
Her breath seems to be icy impaling the world like his knife impaled her
She wakes up and goes to that same corner in the morning to get dressed because today there seems to be so many more spaces  for eyes to be wondering her body in the open
So the curtain in the corner it is
She climbs out and walks past the two sided mirror as quickly as she can
She will get it later
He demands eye contact
The bruises on her arm prove that
She goes to school because she can't hide
She comes back home
Confined to her little corner and her curtain
The stain in the carpet getting bigger
But she will just throw it out and no one will know
I wish your blood would stain the floor for the last time and wish that you lived this life of confinement the way that I do
I wish it all back on you after all you did to me.
Katlynn Grilli Feb 2019
The way we met just worked
The way you looked at me worked
And the way you make me feel
It works
I feel like flower blooming into this beautiful world with the mindset or how everything's going to be perfect
You make me feel perfect
The carnations you bring me
The kisses you plant upon my cheek
The hugs that make me feel so secure and safe
It all works so beautiful in my new world that you have been apart of to create
It all works in this world of ours
There is no problem that needs to be solved because it all just works
The way a machine works
The way a balloon with helium works
The way peanut butter and jelly works
But most importantly the way we work
The way we work together in this life of ours
We work and I love it
I love how we work
Katlynn Grilli Jan 2019
To her
He's different
He's real
He's the type of a man searching for soul
Searching for someone to make him hole
To her
When hes hurting, because I know he hurts
Help him
Help him smile
Smile at him
Because when I did he looked at me in less pain gripped my hand and was okay again
To her
He's  not questioning you
Hes simply doing what we all do
He's protecting himself from getting hurt
He's making sure
To her
He wants you to lay with him every night even if his snoring is incredibly loud
He wants to feel your body next to his
To her
When he questions your choices he is just worried
He cares
He doesn't understand yet
Be patient
To her
When he cries in his sleep
Lock your fingers in his
Kiss his cheek
He will wake up and hug you
He will wrap his arms around you and make you feel protected even when he's the one who needs to feel safe
To her
He'll let you do his make up just to make you smile
Even if his man pride had to be put a side for a while
He wants real love
Please give him real love
To her
He's a bit of a mystery
He's hard to understand
He's a puzzle
But put it together and you have a piece of amazing work
Hes stubborn and he gets angry He snores so very very loud and he has a small disability
He can be rude and painfully blunt at times, but you will never have to question his love
But to her
His love is genuine
His hugs are safe and warm
His words are sweet
His touch is electrifying
When he holds you his body heat doesn't bother you
He bumps into you while hes gaming and smiles in a playful manner
He's real, but even better.
His love is one of a kind
To her
Congratulations
Katlynn Grilli Jan 2019
Lets talk
Lets talk about what happened
Lets get the ugly details
Lets talk about it
Like talking is going to be doing me any good
Lets talk about how that made you feel while I type away on my computer and repeated questions more than once because I'm not actually paying attention
Lets talk about it though
Lets talk about the ****** knife
Lets talk about the grip he had on my throat
Lets talk about my head hitting the tile floor when I passed out
Lets talk about how hard his fist felt against my face
Lets talk about it
If you were listening you wouldn't be able to talk about it with me
But lets go on
Lets talk about the night I felt like I lost everything
Lets talk about how he pinned me down
Lets talk about how he spit in my face and laughed while I cried
Lets talk about what happened next
but that's just too uncomfortable for you
Lets talk about it though
I'll talk about it
I'll talk about the smell of his cologne mixed with the smell of *** on his breathe in my face
I'll talk about how hard his hands dug into my wrist
Lets talk about it
He grabbed me with a threat
His tongue sharpened with the names of my sisters just a couple blocks away
I got in
so I was asking for it
all that *******
Tears coming from my eyes didn't bother him because nothing bothered him other than me not listening to his every instruction
His every demand
He claimed his words were the gospel
And I was sinning
Only he was the devil himself sitting in front of me
I was abused and I can talk about it
I'll talk about it
The hard stuff is over now
But lets talk about it while I answer a few phone calls but don't worry I'm listening
I'll talk about it but your not listening
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