I don't know where I'm going

I don't even know if I'll still have a house to grow old

Life is a stumbling drunk who's trying to walk forward and make it home

I do know that life gives you opportunities out of moments we perceive as ugly

To see what it takes to always pull out beauty

To grasp what it is to live

To learn your bad qualities and build

Build a foundation out of hurt and pain

Grow it into strength

Until

You are concrete

You still have the option of crumbling

Good thing you can reseal and rebuild

Until you no longer disintegrate

and....

NOTHING

will break the entity you became

If I took a moment to truly look into my reflection what would I see?
A soul burning
To realize my tendencies
Being hypocritical
Or
My outbursts of screaming
My times I put my emotions before others needs
Maybe my push to see all of the worlds thick positivity
Sometimes over shadowed by egos bellowing
How do we shape a reflection?
It seems pretty set to me
I pray to heal
To bring out a sunbeam not for show
But
To help the worlds love and grow
To help the plants and animals continue to glow
I know not where to go
But
I believe in this big ball of energy revolving
There is a purpose
A God
A devil
And a journey
Not sure which place it will take me
For now here I stand free
To make a choice
Creating destruction or happiness

I over ponder
I'm a stapled down wanderer
That seems to be my problem

I only wish to be as innocent as three
In amazement about everything
So much beauty and questioning

Why is the world so big?

Why does daddy have to work again?

Why is there angry and mean human beings?

Why is the sky so big when I look up high?

Why?

I look at my precious little three knowing she knows more than me

I questioned tomorrow

Are you real or fake?
Am I afraid of you or do you make me stupid brave?
Do you love or hate?
Will you consider being easy on me?

Sadly, tomorrow had no reply

He just came

Day by day

Moment by moment

All I really can do is try to create my tomorrow today

To not try is giving into defeat

To try is an opening for possibilities

My thoughts shaking
I'm trying to find my composure
Swallow my tears along with the worlds fears

I see a face a 15 year old girl
Arms placed upon her lap laced
Brave and afraid of the unknown
Illiterate she held her own
Freedom was her new home

So many have fought and died, even today for its name

Still I have no clarity of freedom's meaning

Free to love?

Free to worship as we please?

Free from evil and hate?

Or is it equality?

To me it seems we are in desperate need of a refresher
To be reminded what it should be

To have FREEDOM

Head feeling crushed
Frustration is an acquaintance
The questions seem to accumulate
Like roaches living under debri
You'll never get rid of their presence
You'll also never have that epiphany
To be blunt I don't think he likes me
Stuck in the middle section
Smashed into my seat
There really is no relief, just stupidity
My breath is panicking
Someone please track down my sanity


I'm in need

Saying goodbye would break my pride
A heart steaming  
You left me selfless and bleeding
Butterflies still take flight
My mind cries

Keep me lost and kissing tonight

The rose bushes hide are thoughtless rights
The moon ignites
The crickets sing with the world never ending,
"You are mine"

All I ask is you keep me lost and kissing tonight

My tank top snug tight, made your heart Rush
The way you whispered my name made my knees wobbly
We were young but it meant something

Keep me lost and kissing tonight

We are free
You and me
Naked from the world's hating
Simple innocence surrendering

All I ask is you keep me lost and kissing tonight

Brave enough to say this is our everything
A reality created from our everlasting insanity
Your hands, hips and love always thrusting

Please just keep me lost and kissing tonight

The freshes essence let's off a scent
A fragrance bold and fearless
Dumb and numb
Hopes higher then an egos design
Hold your breath
Here they come
A backpack harnessed snuggly, full of broken dreams and low self esteem
A misplaced jaw and no bra
They may look unfit
Don't be mistaken
The world is for the taking

Persistent as you hold a gushing flushed heart
A confused rhythm, tick, tick, ticking
Selfless, lifeless and desperate
Full of desire
Running naked through the fire
Inertwined through blinded happiness
Be the one others look at with resentment
The eruption of fate
Time to create

I take a deep breath
I feel the deep heat hug my torso
He loves me like an ****** on the front patio
It's coming, that sense of hazy
He brushes the hair off my cheeks
Kissing me
My heart beats
I am power
He is lust
We push for trust
Settling with love
Our time is surrendering
So let's keep *******
Until night is bright and we're to tired to fight
The presence of our auras is frightening
I keep biting
We're ****** into dying but the rush is exciting

I have a broken mind
I will always be chaotic beauty
It is my identity
My frame was not a match to the worlds normality
Freely, we sing off tune and out of beat
The world situated under our feet
The first break always cuts deep
The second leaves and untamed mess
I don't want to be blessed
I just want to live different courageously
Where sweetness is the thing
Love and honesty sweeps
I have a broken mind
Please don't wake me from my fantasy

Paranoia has become a normal emotion
Sweaty wrists
Is he coming for me
There is only a room full of lust
Hardened hearts, created trust
Still the world yells don't give up
Open your arms feel the aura of selfish love
Communicate with the gods to support a narrow thinking
The thick grotesque feeling
No worries
It forms mortality
You will be one with the kings
Morals never meant anything
Give into the need
The touch as the thorn crown presses harshly
No blood just crimson red sins bleeding

A fluffy party dress
Pastels spiraling
Slivers of toes nails remain
Darken pain
His head hollowed
Her hands shake with remnants of his brain
It would be simple to blame evil
He was indebted and she was no longer patient
He could not value a jewel
A polished fool
She invited the ones craving
Like scavengers taking
Her skin sizzles in the ice cold sea
Her hair tender and breaking
She is dead with a spiritual drive
She warned the hosted heaven she wouldn't arrive

His heart a setting desire
A holy man on fire
The ashes from his clothes hover overhead
Tarnished dry rain attached to eyelids
Blinding the ones admiring
He could've been loved
His demons were not friends
A lighter was no different
He screams in tortured relief
His body empty caressing the ground
A entity formed through headaches and torn garments
His need for her was never finished

Eternal doom is beauty enticing
The fairytale in a nightmare
There is no heaven or hell
There is a god and the devil
Neither one is in midst of prevailing
A fight tamed for human beings
Love is a defined checklist
Happiness is an experience
Trust ends the moment you say yes
Death is a panic emotion cold
Butterflies destroyed
Turned into soil
Growing the apple tree you eat
Turn down the noise
It's only morbid souls weeping

From the moment I took a breathe,
I was thrown into a narrow way of life.
Unfair way of thinking.
Stunting my progression.
I had to be the perfect little Mormon girl.
"Stand up straight.
Talk like a young lady."
I couldn't express my individuallaity.
Ironically the way god made me.
The words dug in deep perpetually.
"Your eyeliner is to deep you look like a harlet.
What the hell are you wearing?"
I dressed to **** and **** meant ***.
*** made you a deformed unbloomed flower unless you were married.
I was misinformed constantly.
I didn't want to go to hell I wanted my family to support me.
I put on show for far to long trying to please everybody.
I couldn't understand why something so true and great could bring nothing but shame and misery.
I gave my everything and it was killing me.
I was drove to the fine line of insanity.
Free falling down so beautifully.
Finding myself in an erratic deranged way.
No longer following any man into the ground.
Keeping the firm heart within me.

Perception is a sickness we conceive.
Letting people control our reactions.
Changing our level of satisfaction.
There is choices in every emotion we produce.
Being offended is a feeling we have comitted.
What you say or do has no effect on my rationality.
Unless, I let your insecurities influence how I carry my body.
Addressing our contaminations helps open our eyes.
No longer being victimized by the lies others drown us in.
We can make the decision to keep opposition or let it roll down like rain.
Having positivity in all is an unlikely belief.
However doesn't mean it can not be studied.
Self control, dedication and confidence is the mixture you need.
Do not wallow in self inflicted misery.
All it takes is you to make a change.
There is no other reasoning it really is simplicity.

The convenience of crying,
It caters to the wondering
Presumptuously, others convince us of dying
Nothing is relentless nor meaningless
I find myself following the trendiness,
In a puzzling quest for happiness
I pass the time reading articles predicting my life
A destination we described
Predictable knowing is demeaning
I lost my appetite
What is the price

Situated in self caused misery
Her choices translucent
Influenced by a life of negativety
She filled her tub with murky water
Warm, a place filled to the tip with disgrace
A bed is shelter overhead,
comfort is never enough
In this vague interpretation of what is good,
she has stiffened posture
A symptom of exposure

Unstable lacks a label
Oh wait, that's why they call me overfocused A.D.D
Silly me forgetting my birthright proclaimed
To be realistic I'm tranquil, when I hold still
I love me and my oddities
I embrace those who are the same
We have enough normality
We need finesse rotating our gravity,
shifting different pockets of energy
Everyday we should be celebrating our individuality
Not moping
Not to mention mini parties are exciting

Genetically built ******, so they say
Christian dysfunctional stability,
wasn't helping
A mom praying every night for a force reckoning
Shoving me into the light,
I've already seen
A mothers nightmare,
already in the making
I convinced myself:
Compulsive
Impulsive and
Explosive
Creates constructive thinking
I guess what I'm saying is,
"**** it, I'm unique"

Letting people take control of my emotional state
I did something I told myself was probaby fake
I got on my knees and prayed to a God I wasn't sure would answer me
He did
He forgave me for the stupid **** I've become
Showing me it was time to move on
Breaking the cycle
It's human nature to want to help others
We can not help those who use, "the victim disease"
We all have our profound struggles
We should use them to grow, not become weakend bitter and filled with anger
A soul devouring our goals
I wanted some kind of complex defining way to move on
Instead the personal feelings are gone
I pick and choose the pieces I want to keep
Everything else is sitting in the fire pit, waiting to be incinerated

The phone ringed, I gazed at the screen.
I had never seen the number before.
Baffled, I handed it over to my handsome husband.
"Answer it," shoving it towards his head.
He hurried and said "hello, who is calling."
He looked at me blank and weirdly saying "I will grab her. Wait briefly."
His eyes blazed into me, "it's your grandma."
Shaken, I said, "Hello."
She did a joyful, "hello Kara Jean."
Determined to figure out what was happening.
I proudly said, " you must have the wrong number both my grandmas are dead."
She replied "I'm so sorry what a coincidence.
My granddaughter is also Kara Jean.
I swear we've been here once before."
Giggling I commented, "that's remarkably crazy. I'm not remembering."
Silence hit the air.
The old cracked voice women said, "or maybe it's just your grandma calling from heaven to tell you she loves you."  
My throat being choked nothing would really be announced.
Finally my voice complied, " What did you just say I'm not comprehending."  
An earth shattering laugh went over the phone, "You sound pretty amazing.
I know if you were my grand baby,
I would be proud to be graced by you."
Words failed me being a first.
Before I could get it together enough to say what the hell is happening.
She exclaimed hastily,
"I must be on my way, "know your grandmas undeniably love you."
Click went the phone gone with no trace.
Uncontrollable tears gushing out of my face.
Reacting as if everything was falling away from my body.
Was I hallucinating.
Could someone been playing a cruel joke?
Who would have the audacity.
Considering, could it have truly been a toll free call from heaven.

u love and hate my being
A persona of tainted goods
Everything you've ever seen expresses an opinion against me
Sincerety is killing
No longer renewed
Broken is where we all need to be
Confused is full of beautiful possibilities
The "new population" is exciting
Circles are blinding
Keep being you

Denial ponders its motion in rewind
Fire is mesmerizing, the touch is relentless
Forgiveness for most is a word,
Others believe it is a religious belief
Energy negative or positive,
You choose your understanding

The wheel clinched tight

Fingers numb and white

Hyperventilating

Counting to ten

Anxieties curse

Mind, a devine quality

Over....
Thinking

A flash of death as her passengers lay lifeless

Death

She pictures faces

A ****** mess

Stillness

Everyone sits singing and unblemished

A true definition of mangled point of view

A routine her mind has provided

Someone else hits the petal accelerating

She is familiar with picturing the world dying

She is now stamped with, "I'm part of the ****** up society"

Stay clear

She is endearing

The tea cup world believes she is dangerous

A hail storm of tears roll down your chest
I feel you are near
Your warmness wasn't sincere
Harness your empathy and color clear
Pierce the molded statue held together by strong glue and fear
You seem to be ignoring the address
Instead you only here muddled up curses of vulnerability
Hurt feelings you developed as a system to keep you safe
Creating a type of gunk around your face
It's thick film is nothing but a temper angry
I am sorry no one assisted you in modifing your animosity
You will forever be stuck immature and hating
You could always let go of resentment and regret

but then

You would have to forgive

She's the women
You imagined
Stepford wife
She sit's with Hands clasped tightly
Courtney Loves drunken sister
Resonates within
Her wilted box keeps disintegrating
Her barricades
Useless
Soaking filth from the ground
She would cry
Tears dry
Salt is only producing
She's a mist uncontrolled
Wild growing daisy
Sitting in a ticky tack
Garden
She sees freedom
Fake
Placed in the deserts hot sun
Thirsty
Last drink
Now haunts
Suited up in her dress
She carries on
Fragmented
Dissapointing denial

Unblemished,

Is ugly

Ugly, is courageous

Courageous, is strength

Strength, is failure

Failure, is the state of being weak for far to long

Our mistakes,

Our darkest hours;

Create our conviction to purpose

The will we have chosen subconsciously

Some may suggest it's the spirit inside, knowing it's fight

Mediocrity
Mediocre
No good melody
A definition stained on the upper region of my brain
Actively producing fungi fumes
Nauseated, you are excused
Instant hate when uttering its name
It makes our hands shake, to be displayed in such a way
It has no purpose, only an intention
Killing curiousity, by outlining others self righteously
Mediocre is my creative space for acceptance and I have requested an invitation to everybody
No reasoning just letting go of expectations consuming
Hope to see you soon

Most nights I sit outside
Just me and the crickets chirping and of course my wine
A husband gone most of the time, hardworking a love defined
I hear my words echoing as I anticipate writing them slowly  
I don't know how to break it down, this urge growing
The cars drive rumbling, as if my soul is colliding with a semi
I know what should be done but I'm not ready
How can you complain about the deliberate choices you made
We reminisce just to ******* our blinded heart guiding
I want to know where to go
My soul already has the knowledge, I just like fighting
The crickets are confiding as the breeze throws the roses aroma in front of me
Breathing deeply, a defense mechanism when the tears are sliding
A plastic 3 dollar crown will be the closes I come to being a queen, as I hear the muffled soothing music in the background
Now I lay against the pavement to sleep because my bed is just to lonely

I'm a mess
This is not a confession
I never expected to settle down
I always believed I would be a free spirit running around
Then I found your daddy
He knew and I said I do
I will never understand his fascination with me
We're pretty intense in many ways but we created you, two beautiful babies
You may hate me one day, I will never resent it
I only hope the push and drive I give you makes a difference in this chaotic world
A world you're familiar with at times
I never planned to comprise, life has a way of sneaking up and ******* you from behind
I promise to keep fighting for what you need
Even if you never have the opportunity to see
I'm far from cheesey but your mommy has dreams to make life for you easy
One day, in this place where there may not be a God I pray for you nightly
Blessing your innocent mind and holding onto you tightly

The devil sat next to her offering Sumatra blend coffee as a peace offering
He had an intimidating persuasive grin
Her soul was shrinking
Her ******* were missing
He trapped her plotting
His key was twisting into Hells room floor
She could no longer ignore his insensitive personality  
His life style was to **** expensive
A clock tick tocking rhythm less  
She still held her head high
He never seemed surprised when she said goodbye

She is obscene, ******* inbetween
I shouldn't haven't to explain what that means  
Only a handleful don't find her scary and overwelming
Ok so I'm letting the angry apple flavoring do all the writing
Who is really listening, honestly  
This psychotic chick will always be the one and only
Sorry if you were expecting me to sing
I suppose this was not enough
Oh well I'll keep sipping while you're guesstimating the measures you should be taking
Here's a secret, I mentally teeter totter unstably
So does the rest of poetfreak
Let's start a toast and forward the drinking

Trust me
Love me
Fight for me as night touches my life
I won't cry when you die
Not because I couldn't find the passion in yours eyes
Because twilight never sparkled when you cried
Be my savior, accept god never caressed me tenderly
Hold my hand, make my fingers tingly
Treat me like the first girlfriend you seen, turning so red and talking so bashfully
Be my soulmate until the end
Be more then a friend
Be the man I want to love
We blend chaotically  
We sit unstituated perfectly
Not looking to far from constantly
Also not looking so far from lonely
Nothing is never fixated ideally  
7 years of crazy interesting

An eccentric free spirit
A major let down, no one understands the blunt sounds
A neighborhood built up by the ****** society, half naked puffed out chests
I'd rather pick my lilacs and dance to Joan Jett then deal with their meetings
I will celebrate my homemade life with a button stating,
"Save the wine who cares about the rest"
Freedom from the voices that screech

I sit in the steaming hot water naked and vulnerable, both mentally and physically  to blemishes accumulated on me.
The mental thoughts race back and forth between  my eyes playing and rewinding  back through mistakes I have made.
Remembering the wrong paths that dramatically  changed my history.
As the water rises I feel the anxiety inside my chest making me hyperventilate profusely.
I close my eyes plunging my face into the water, feeling my hair floating over me.
Staying under as I feel the anguish of the misconceptions of my life fall off of me.
coming up as if awakening from the dead, while ceaselessly  stepping out of the ***** water leaving it behind.
I peer into the mirror inhaling the air surrounding.
Slowly wrapping my arms tightly around my body, letting the women in the mirror know I except her.
Telling her I will always love and fight for her.

There was a time when you praised me.
Always looking up to me, now that has passed.
The way you look at me today is nothing but disappointment.
Shaking your head while faking a smile.
Secretly saying the words what the hell happen to her.
I see the snarkness in your eyes breaking me.
I feel the words stinging as you mock and make fun of my goals,
my life,
who I am.
It use to shake me as I pummeled to the ground.
Time has shaped me.
You no longer burn me instead you ignite my fire.
Torching every obstacle in my way.
Leaving you to clean up my ashes in my passing.

The world is not complex
People just say it is to hide their *******, excuses for self justification
Let us give them our admiration for their condescending inspiration
Lonely is fun when your enticingly crazy
Never entirely board when your consumed in self argumentative rambling
A gesture I call exciting
I don't deny the chaos erupting from my skulls siding
Nor should anybody
I have a tendency of getting delighted the moment I put my animosity on display
It's kind of like my you have a "blessed day"
Yes I'm ok
I have daily meetings with the counselor in my head and he
said this is progress

Passion in every position of life
A movement never deprived
Pick your existence carefully
Unique is misunderstanding the rules
Reconsider the energy you produce
Let the you of every aspect come through

A head, gnashing and screaming
Forgiving my unknown hospitality
Pretty is weakening
I'm a fatality deemed
Obnoxious is my scene
The mocking and mimicking comes easy for me
No secret, I envy the earth's energy
Depressed, sitting in my fancy dress
Shoving and tugging with desirable credibility
I ravish my personality
Amused?
As I show my tender meat bleeding
Kissing, authentic generosity
A bit suggestive
Confidence in deranged descriptions making others nervous
Excuse me, I must leave my head is blistering,
Popping,
Gushing and oozing profanities
Dented durability, consume me
I love the fact I'm lacking
Becoming one with the barbaric queen

I see the purpose now
Those who use insecurities
Those who are condescending
They only put fear into their coffee
A fear that someone will see the world's opportunity
Bitterness has never been fact nor reality
Their statements will never be anymore, always less stability
Turn their sentences into silence and keep smiling
Never let someone's weakness destroy your happy

Tightly forcing her body against the clay
Scraping her tarnished skin, on its unforgiving stones
Determined
Unhinged, narrow thought became disturbed
Intention, soaking the soils energy
Becoming one with nature
Persuit, rapid decaying
No trail of life
Evidence faded
Secluded mountain peak
30 miles in, her only goal accomplished
Her pocket knife she holds over head
Pretending to cut the fluffy clouds in half
One fast Stab
She lays in her vanishing grave

She touches his hair, reclining the chair
Climbing to the top
Covering his lips with her skirt
He gently touches her skin
Her shirt falls to the ground
He can not help himself,
grabbing her *******
His wife,
sees the whole situation unraveling
She gets down on her knees
While grabbing the girls *** cheek
A mutual agreement, for all parties
No harm is done
Some will say the devil they call upon
Their in love
The couple has a bond most can not comprehend
*** is intimate, it is also gratifying
Combining the savage beast,
who smashes the king size bed
Hiding in the night from a world who hates three

Parts of thoughts, chopped into slivers
Run, **** and, scream
Be a disappointment
My judgment
Steaming hot bath
A week completed
Still considered a journey
When nothingness is fulfilling

I remember my first time writing on here
I was nervous, scared and a tad naive
This is my stomping ground
My battling
My push to give my everything
The constant vibrant words being heard
Now a poet grave yard, deserted
I miss my poetry home
The loud boisterous words constantly being thrown
I came back
It's my dysfunctional love, all I can say to that
I feel Sentimental, never wanting to leave
There should be no reminiscing about poetfreak
Although, we stand here grieving