Contemplation, rumination, damnation:
all things that happen more in this cell than elsewhere.
This cell.
I won’t be here much longer,
and there’s not a word you can say that can help me now.
The terror of the night keeps me awake.
Agitation, anticipation, rationalization:
thoughts whirl around in my head and
you don’t understand—I can’t
control them.
I wipe my brow.
The introspection causes my chest to quake.
Explanation, elucidation, machination:
that this must not be my fault.
I’m innocent!
But—how can I show them, show you
what made me,
the terror that caused in me a break?
Justification, accusation, realization:
It was the world that did this—it was
my mother, my father, my brother
my teacher, my preacher,
my—you. You fade into me
and it’s this understanding that begins my shake.
Consternation, hesitation, cessation:
I have no one left to blame,
I’ve been abandoned by even
my folly, our folly.
Really now,
I should have known how long this would take.
Capitulation, resignation, preparation:
With a sound besides my brain—klink go the keys—
the understanding bubbles up
as bile hits my throat and
it’s time, “it’s time” ring at once
Even the terror can’t keep me awake.