Describe it they say
But how do you describe being haunted?
Is it a heaviness in the air you can feel with your fingers?
A low tolerance of tolerance?
A profound emptiness in everything I do
A deep desire for love which I simply do not understand
A why for my thousands of unanswered why’s
If seeing is believing I don’t believe it either
But I feel it in my brain like a light switch
Sometimes I’m really truly there
But mostly I’m not

A sudden urge to run away
Without reprieve, you must not stay
I loved you yesterday but not today
My waves of hair hide shattered glass
I close my eyes and see the past
What once was here so easily gone
I wish you’d need me all day long
A turning of tables, a different view
I’ve split from one into two
So close you’re eyes and count to three
What you need won’t be found in me

We rip and claw at each other
Cling on in desperation
Bounce away and back towards each other
Like electrons
Fear and love collide until they are
Completely indistinguishable by our faulty human eyes
I need you I need you
I do not need you
Leave, come back, don’t go, just go
Filling up and emptying out the holes in my heart over and over again
One day they will stay full
Or I will empty myself of blood and refill with water, tasteless, odorless, colorless yet so vital

I don’t know what to do
Change my mind, I can’t decide
Should I quit? with a single slit
All these outcomes seem so bitter
You see it’s more than me against the tide
It’s Burnt inside, on my mind
To bestow my will and make me ill
Bring into me until I see a lighter hue
I do diffuse my blue onto you
But to myself it makes it better

I am cracking like glass
Ripping at the seems like an old t-shirt
My brain is not working anymore
Everything lacks meaning
I cannot hear or see with the same vibrance
Pitter patter goes my heart with inhuman speed.
Why am I so very tired and urgently awake?
A dull gray has washed over my life
I can almost grab it but it slips through
My fingers like so much water
Like the years of my life
Maybe this is forever? A thought occurred
So I ran into this moment of clarity
and, of course, I ran like hell
Conclusion: The more I eat my fantasy make believe world Falls aback and fades
So I may enter the real one
And this simply will not do........

There was a moment
During my life
I can almost pin point it down
See though clean
On the edge of my seat
I hang on to my chair
The room goes silent
Bracing myself for the monster
To jump out from the darkness
And grab the idiot walking towards it
I want to scream
“Turn back! The monster is in there! He will grab you and take you away”
It Turned out I was the idiot
Walking willingly towards the darkest corners where the light never reaches
But I was not grabbed, the monster was not large and scary
So I took its hand and we walked together
Still Sometimes now I want to point my fingers accusingly “Look what they did to me” I’d holler! They are to blame! But there is nobody to blame because the monster who grabbed me and took me and made me something horrible from which there will be no return
Was essentially.......me.

And now things really are scary
I’m off drugs
I sleep
I’m eating what I want (mostly)
I’m 101 pounds
My body has stopped repairing itself
I’m cut up like tiger stripes
The sight of red and subtle sting has yet to fail as a quick relief yet
I consider killing myself on a very true, inner and curious level
I am not whole, just fragments of a girl no longer able to play the part
My thoughts turn and twirl, colliding and overlapping like the oceans waves in the thick of a storm.
Forgetfully mistaking actions of love and support for jabs in my sinking heart
For you are my enemy or I cannot even see you. I am combat ready. My mind has shut me out, slammed the door and turned the key. I am alone.
Thick fog fills my mind
It is too loud, too bright, too much
Somebody is screaming and sobbing
It might be me. I do not understand.
Maybe my weight has gotten too low?
The tight wraps of my mental illness
So long untreated is finally opening up and swallowing me whole
I realize as I’m sure Alice must have too
I’ve strayed so far from home
It would be easier to die than find my way back.