I don’t know what to do
Change my mind, I can’t decide
Should I quit? with a single slit
All these outcomes seem so bitter
You see it’s more than me against the tide
It’s Burnt inside, on my mind
To bestow my will and make me ill
Bring into me until I see a lighter hue
I do diffuse my blue onto you
But to myself it makes it better

I am cracking like glass
Ripping at the seems like an old t-shirt
My brain is not working anymore
Everything lacks meaning
I cannot hear or see with the same vibrance
Pitter patter goes my heart with inhuman speed.
Why am I so very tired and urgently awake?
A dull gray has washed over my life
I can almost grab it but it slips through
My fingers like so much water
Like the years of my life
Maybe this is forever? A thought occurred
So I ran into this moment of clarity
and, of course, I ran like hell
Conclusion: The more I eat my fantasy make believe world Falls aback and fades
So I may enter the real one
And this simply will not do........

There was a moment
During my life
I can almost pin point it down
See though clean
On the edge of my seat
I hang on to my chair
The room goes silent
Bracing myself for the monster
To jump out from the darkness
And grab the idiot walking towards it
I want to scream
“Turn back! The monster is in there! He will grab you and take you away”
It Turned out I was the idiot
Walking willingly towards the darkest corners where the light never reaches
But I was not grabbed, the monster was not large and scary
So I took its hand and we walked together
Still Sometimes now I want to point my fingers accusingly “Look what they did to me” I’d holler! They are to blame! But there is nobody to blame because the monster who grabbed me and took me and made me something horrible from which there will be no return
Was essentially.......me.

And now things really are scary
I’m off drugs
I sleep
I’m eating what I want (mostly)
I’m 101 pounds
My body has stopped repairing itself
I’m cut up like tiger stripes
The sight of red and subtle sting has yet to fail as a quick relief yet
I consider killing myself on a very true, inner and curious level
I am not whole, just fragments of a girl no longer able to play the part
My thoughts turn and twirl, colliding and overlapping like the oceans waves in the thick of a storm.
Forgetfully mistaking actions of love and support for jabs in my sinking heart
For you are my enemy or I cannot even see you. I am combat ready. My mind has shut me out, slammed the door and turned the key. I am alone.
Thick fog fills my mind
It is too loud, too bright, too much
Somebody is screaming and sobbing
It might be me. I do not understand.
Maybe my weight has gotten too low?
The tight wraps of my mental illness
So long untreated is finally opening up and swallowing me whole
I realize as I’m sure Alice must have too
I’ve strayed so far from home
It would be easier to die than find my way back.

There is ice behind you’re eyes
I crave to entangle my coldness with yours
I want you deeply, I do not trust you.
You’re words are insightfully premeditated, ever changing and empty
I meet you’re gaze with anticipation of the sudden urgency too look away immediately, automatically and habitually
I must not love you, I must not love.

The goal is to build 4 walls
Decorate it with nonsense
Find someone to accompany basic tasks
Until you cannot sleep alone
Or Think as an individual
Freedom becomes a punishment
Hate. resent. resign
Make a copy
So they can finish the task for you
Or find the plot you’ve lost so long ago
Build up those 4 walls
Decorated with nonsense
To distract that it’s a cage

Being with you is like being alone.
You’ve taught me why lovers should never live together.
I can jump in and out of bed with anyone
Because it never meant anything to me
But I’d pretend it did, I wish you gave me that courtesy
And when I see you all my thoughts get reversed
The idea of loneliness makes me happier
Rage comes over me when I see you more
And I love you most when you walk out the door