The hardest part of life I’ve come to understand is realizing how much power and how little power you have. To change homes, feelings, people and the loss and longing of finding out things will not change back with you when you’ve found yourself far from home, alone, wishing so bad you had back what you threw away in pursuit of happiness, something better or unusual. The bitter taste of regret. You’ve dug your grave and now you will die in it. “I need you back” has the consistency of running water.

Love is wickedness
As the longer way home
Of death, of longing for feelings once known
Here and there but not again
Sideways, backwards, I toss in bed
Sorrow lit by sadness flame
Only but for love is to go insane

Passing strange
The people say
They peer a glance I look away
Ive missed the years
I greave today
What once a pleasure now a pain
Tumbling over my intent to stay
The past bleeds in today…..today
Crowded rooms and empty plates
Spinning off away….away
I thought id sway to rooms more safe
My Regrets move on I keep my pace
antiseptic, diagnosed & bound by bone
The richer seasons stay unknown

tap tap tap
Goes the raven
On the tomb stone in my mind
Awakens my torment if torments eyes go blind
“I walk from breakfast to madness”
And part way back  
Reciting her words as my chosen attack
Stalking death as death i seek
Though the dark lit vail I always peek
But bleeding scars on oceans cue
Times hands tick on avoiding you
To cheat the game is a tricky find
But Dying is the dish we all must try

Describe it they say
But how do you describe being haunted?
Is it a heaviness in the air you can feel with your fingers?
A low tolerance of tolerance?
A profound emptiness in everything I do
A deep desire for love which I simply do not understand
A why for my thousands of unanswered why’s
If seeing is believing I don’t believe it either
But I feel it in my brain like a light switch
Sometimes I’m really truly there
But mostly I’m not

A sudden urge to run away
Without reprieve, you must not stay
I loved you yesterday but not today
My waves of hair hide shattered glass
I close my eyes and see the past
What once was here so easily gone
I wish you’d need me all day long
A turning of tables, a different view
I’ve split from one into two
So close you’re eyes and count to three
What you need won’t be found in me

We rip and claw at each other
Cling on in desperation
Bounce away and back towards each other
Like electrons
Fear and love collide until they are
Completely indistinguishable by our faulty human eyes
I need you I need you
I do not need you
Leave, come back, don’t go, just go
Filling up and emptying out the holes in my heart over and over again
One day they will stay full
Or I will empty myself of blood and refill with water, tasteless, odorless, colorless yet so vital