sitting on my sofa
your hand over mine
you kept trying to kiss me

i knew what you wanted then.

i acted like the movie i chose was mesmerizing
it wasn't. you were.
all i could think about was how it'd feel to kiss you
like you wanted
like i wanted

our breathing patterns matched up.
my ear was on your heart (that's the closest i'll ever get to it)
you kissed me whisperingly on the forehead
just how i like it.
how did you know?
how could someone who knew me so little know me so well?

when i finally succumbed
it was hungry.
you didn't kiss me delicately, as i was accustomed
i didn't feel like much of a person at all
i felt like a thing
but a desirable thing

HE kissed me like a treasure
like i could shatter at any moment
i don't know why i ever tired of it.

your ravenous lips and hands were at once refreshing and scalding.
you didn't kiss like a good boy ought.
i wanted to reciprocate, to participate.
i convinced myself, yes, this is what i want.
he is what i want.
and he wants me.

you kissed me like you loved me.
or like you could love me.
i didn't need you to love me, i never asked for you to love me.
but you convinced me you could.

now that just wasn't fair.

And I'm sitting here tonight underneath the influence
Cold pennsylvania nights give persistence to the obvious
I might regret the end of nights in this province
The wonderful feeling I have, I won't stop this

In my room I feel safe
I protect my heart from being hurt
Not tall accept in short
My eye lashes long give me beauty
my smile goofy makes someone's day
Love yourself before you love anyone else
change because you want
not because they told you
Critics judge try to fix you
because they can't re-invent themselves
Be happy do what feels right and nature
Be open dont shutdown or be closed off
Be secure with who you are

Listen to your heart
Pursue your career
Believe and trust your heart
Fix yourself do what's right
Live it do it
don't let anyone keep you Down
Keep a smile on your face keep good spirit
Stay involved don't get shutout
No time to live in doubt
Never give up let it bleed out
Find your way purse the right direction

I used to be wild
Drunk on my own newly discovered sensuality--and on Drink
Lemon Drops, and Pink *****-Droppers, and *** on the Beach,
and any fruity (sickeningly) mixed (sweet) drink anyone would hand me--but "no coconut!"
Laughing at my friends who were settling down
"You're all getting married, I'm just getting more awesome!"
Feeling so supremely alive
Flaunting my youth and vibrance like an obscure merit badge earned in Girl Scouts
(who would never condone by behavior, by the by)
Thin paper-plastic wristbands with Sharpie dates scrawled on them, and a tagline my only reminder of the night's events
"St. Patty's day"
"Brothers' last night"
"Makeout contest"... yeesh
Whole evenings, and weeks are now a blur, fuzzy from the alcohol? or just the passage of time?
Passing a particular apartment "I think I've been there before, once" and I struggle to remember how that night unfolded
A smile alights my face as some of it comes back, but not all of it; "Did that also happen that night, or was that another time...?"

And then a shift, in power, in gaze
Higher status, higher responsibilities
Higher shoes, (less *****)
The nipping and yapping one another, wearing down a trench around me
A Mother hen mantle settles on my shoulders (at least it's feathered)
And a jaded lens clouds my vision, sadly
My words about others, though never heard, would burn
Arrogant, downright Cruel, for a while
sigh
1am, that's enough for tonight
I'm tired
My bones hurt
I open tomorrow
The feathers are soft, yes, and choking
I look around, "What am I doing here?"
Ten percent of the people here make it worth my while
the rest...
Glitter cuts and scrapes my eyeballs, and I will wear the last vestiges to work tomorrow, no matter how hard I try
To rid myself of the testament to my night life

I want to do more
To Dance more, not police more
To allow more to explore more, and not to judge more
Everyone is worthwhile, and has something to offer
No longer compelled to define myself by the things that I do, or shove my newly-acquired identity in someone's face as means of introduction
To root out the real things that make me feel alive
And truth be told
I want to garden
laughs
I've never wanted to garden before
Wine and cheese with close friends, an adventure-date with my beloved
I'm alive because I'm living
Not because I've been going shot-for-shot for two hours with my best friend
But it's time for the next move
Whether you call it getting old, or settling down, or just "settling"
I call it settling in
To a cozy life I love, filled with only the people and things I love
Anything less, that's "settling"