Why don't you
save it.
I'm so tried.
Halfway apologies
Half answered prayers.
Its always
one sided.
Bittersweet conversations
Vacant blank stares
I wish i could
save it.
Why don't you?

He reminds me I wasn't enough
ill never be anything
He reminds me that I'm ungrateful
Silly girl you should follow your orders
He reminds how little I've accomplished
All hes done for me.
He reminds me im lazy, unmotivated, useless
He reminds me what ill lose if i leave
He dangles it there over my head
Along with all the empty promises
He reminds me that im crazy,
And No one listens to the crazy.
He reminds me that bones can break, and joints snaps
He reminds me how I bruise easy
And my heart has scars words reopen
He reminds me he loves me.
All this is just him loving me.
Its hard to love me, he reminds me.
I asked for this, I loved him, I picked him, he could have picked anyone but
He picked me
I'm so lucky, he reminds me
I signed up and stuck around.
But oh how hard it is to leave when he reminds me...
Please.

I dont know when and I dont know how,
But the day will come when you say i am happy and you are certain you mean because you feel at peace deep within the core of your being, where the world stands still for just a moment, as your face lights up and cracks at the seams. Oh how I have missed that smile. The day will come where the boulder heaviness that made residency between your ribs, will fly away like birds let loose from the cages. The day will come when the disturbance you have come to know as love, will no longer be an interruption of your accord but be revealed as stability as your eyes open to the worth you hold. The cacophony inside your head will hush down into a calming stillness. And you will be still. And in all this the day will come where you are no longer a prison inside your own jail of bones, but the queen inside her vessel graced with unfailing warmth and contentment. I dont know when and i dont know how. But I can promise, the day will come, your flame will reignite and your wild fire will burn the whole world of worries, and pains away.

Just when I think I am fine.
You come in to shoot me down.
Like lightning striking on a cloudless day.
Sudden, unexpected, and terrifying.
At least at first.
But now I sit waiting for it.
Staring down the barrel.
Just hoping you'll pull the trigger.
Blast this life to pieces and let it go up in flames.

Ive drifted through many troubled waters.
I couldn't count the miles traveled
nor the oceans passed.
Where I am isn't where I was.
Its still okay to not be okay.
Just as the waves
Inevitably I will reach the shore.

Oh, but being invincible comes at what cost?
Covenants at a crossroads accrue from a loss. 🖤

I find it inconvenient that I am unable to tell you
what silly little thoughts dance inside my head
I dont want to mention how everytime i think of you
my blood flows fast like a rushing river current
flooding through my body
I leave out the part where heart pulses through my ribs cage
how when the cage opens by just the sound of your voice, it sets free
a galaxy of butterflies
I've never collected butterflies but I wish i could
pluck every last one from my insides and save them all
Or maybe
if I was brave id give them all to you
I dont mention these things
I'm not brave im just scared and inevitably falling
Isnt it silly how three whole years have passed but I can still feel your teeth graze across my neck
when I think about it my smile cracks at the seams
unfortunate it is that you'll never know about this or these wild fires you started
I've tried and tried I swear I gave it my all
they couldnt be extinguished
they burned until everything was clear and new and waiting.
Oh what you've done to me.
now theres a garden blooming from my bones.
I dont know if you care much for rushing waters butterflies or flower blooms
I have an opening if you have a green thumb.
An invite I'd probably never speak aloud. maybe you can hear it in the silences, and the pauses between
one breath and the next
If only instead of peeking through the keyhole
id open the door for you
Welcome.
Do please come inside and see for yourself.