Changed

Over the past year a lot has happened

That one person I thought would never let me down, did.

I went from skipping to class with my friends, to skipping class

I’ve burned bridges without a care in the world

Used my anger as a mask to everything else

I turned away from the people who loved me

Fallen in love with the wrong people

Taken all the wrong paths

Spoken words I can’t take back

Ruined the one friendship that meant everything to me

Bottled up as much drama as I could

Watched as the people closet to me drifted away

Half-listened to the words they said

Begging me to change

Now I’m stuck in a world that hates me

I can no longer feel pain

Death doesn’t scare me

Being alone is no longer my biggest fear

But my biggest wish

Knives threaten my life each night

Friends barely keep me alive

I cry until my red eyes close.

Come on Dylan

Do you remember me like I remember you?

Did you ever stop to think that I miss the old you?

The guy I used to know, the one I trusted with my life

I never thought you’d leave me, sitting in the dark

Hell yes I miss the old you, I want him back

So can I have my best friend again?

Where did he even go?

the silence between us is eerie

i want to ask do you hate me

the thought is fleeting

tires crunching as the hardened snow

flies beneath the wheels

turn up the music louder

for the silence is deafining

you take a wrong turn

makes the ride longer

you sing part of the song that’s playing

makes me smile

you’re my daddy

and i don’t want you to be mad

but i know i moved out

and it’s time to move on

I’m no longer daddy’s little girl

I’m daddy’s biggest mistake

The one who ****** up

The one who hurt him

Why should he love me

When he’s got a perfect one

Sitting at home

Doing chores

Doing her homework

Being nice

Being an angel

While he drives home

the oldest

the devil…

Did you ever stop to think?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe

I don’t know how to change?

Everyday is a new struggle?

Being alone is both my biggest fear and wish?

Saying I love you no longer means you really do?

I cry too….  I don’t just block it all out

Maybe I don’t mean to **** it all up?

Just because I pushed you away doesn’t mean you don’t mean anything to me?

A piece of paper doesn’t mean much?

People can change over time, so why do you assume they can’t?

That I do notice you lips saying one thing while your eyes say another?

Being here for my friends is the only thing that gets me out of bed?

Drama Cloud

Last year I was just a drama cloud

Raining down with problems

No light would shine

As darkness grew between us

Best friends to nothing at all

In the blink of an eye

I found it so hard

To have to say goodbye

I worked hard all summer

Trying to change

Now I stand here

Finally talking to you

It seems like

My efforts have paid off

I have my best friend back

No longer a drama cloud

Raining down problems

Instead a cloud

With a beautiful silver lining

Dylan’s poem

Have you ever sat down and wondered

What it would be like if we were still friends?

Do you ever sit down and think about me?

Do you even miss me?

Do you look at me and feel a little pain?

Do you ever wish we never changed?

I do, I think about you a lot

Sometimes, I think things happen for a reason

Then when I think about you

I can’t think of any reasons

I have so many memories with you

So many good times and now just as many bad

I wish things never changed

I wish I could know if you think about me

Do you think about…

About us?

7th grade?

Last year?

This year?

Yesterday?

Today?

Or just about any day

When I was in your life

When I thought I actually

Meant something to you

Do you at least think about the day

When you first walked away?

Every note

I wrote this poem for one of my best friends during a time when he pushed me away and I didn’t understand why.

I hope that one day you’ll find every note

All my words filling pages and pages

Take a seat, read them all and realize

Every single one of them is about you

When that day finally arrives

May reading them make you regret

Saying our friendship meant nothing to you

That I was just more drama you didn’t need

Now don’t you regret building me up so high

Then breaking me down without a second thought?

When reading them, may a single tear slide down your face

May that one tear shock you

Making you realize how much you’ve lost

Crying one tear is like the sky raining only one drop

So let that one tear turn into many

As you remember our memories

Fairytale Life

fairytale life

All I want is my fairytale life

It all starts and ends with you

Everybody says don’t go back to him

He’s no good for you

Think about what you have

Why give it all away

For a daily struggle

Just to make him stay

*k.d.s.

Following Her

I’ve lost my way

Taken the wrong path

Following my mothers footsteps

Not willing to look back

Faith was left behind

A long time ago

Nothing the bible says

Can ever help me through

People I love slowly go away

Like puddles left over from a rainy day

Words fall flat against my ears

My own heart twisted with fear

Girlfriend > Best Friend

It kills me to know that you tell her everything

Girlfriend trumps best friend

She knows you better then me

Which kills me inside

Just tell me where we fell apart

Where did I go wrong?

When do I get my best friend back?

Where did you even go?

Glass wall

Stuck behind a glass wall

On the outside people draw

Adding something new

Something that they say

“This is you”

As if I’m a paper doll

In pieces and torn

From being dressed up

In so many different ways

A new life, a different design

Nobody knows what I looked like

When I was real and just me

Instead of this girl

Built out of lies

I can never break down this wall

Because I’m not really behind it

I was destroyed long ago

So who will I be

When people finally see

That they can never

Be happy with me?

Happy Poem

I never thought I’d write a happy poem

Yet, here I am writing away

Today is the day I say what I need to say

Life is finally better

No more cuts or bruises

Just sparkle and shimmer

The smile on my face is real

Not fake like it used to be

I’ve grown up a lot

Changed myself

Figured out what I want from life

Reached inside myself

Searching for the answers

To life’s hidden questions

I found the girl I used to be

She never left at all

Always been a part of me

Just concealed behind

What I had become

Hazel Aurora

Such a beautiful name

She’s the angel of my dreams

Protecting me throughout the night

Soothing my pain and my doubts

Some nights she’s still a baby

I hold her close

It’s my job to keep her safe

Other nights she’s grown up

I’ll push her on the swings

She’ll laugh like her daddy

Scream ‘higher mommy higher’

I’ll give her under dog after under dog

Until she’s swinging on her own

No matter what age she is that night

She’ll always ask for her daddy

Where he is and what he’s like

Why he didn’t want to be around

Her biggest fear is it’s her fault

Hazel Aurora

She’s the angel of my dreams

The demon of my nightmares

She’s the last piece of my fairy tale life

The life that will never be

Hell on Earth

This smile is fake

Stop shaking your head in denial

Look in my eyes

Tell me what you see

Go deeper then the lies

Just take one peek

Realize I’m not who I seem

Don’t be afraid

You’ve come this far

Can you find me?

Tucked in the darkest corner

Come alone now, don’t cry

I’ve been through far worse

You’d never believe the hell on this Earth

I wrote this to prove to my friend that I knew how she felt the day that she convinced my then boyfriend to sleep with her**

I walk into his room

I haven’t seen him in awhile

My feelings flare just looking at him

He’s video chatting with her

Slight anger fuels inside my heart

I watch him smile

I say hi *** I’m home

Loud enough for her to hear

I hear her try to laugh

“Now don’t you two go have *** in the woods”

She tries to laugh at her own joke

I hear the crack at the end

She’s my best friend

But there’s something I need to finish

She stole him from me before I could

He promised me

Promised to be my first

What she don’t know won’t hurt her right?

I can’t help it

I have to let her know

I send her anon messages

“He’s cheating on you”

I know he’ll deny it

But it was worth it

Just for that day

To feel his body against mine

It tore us apart

I don’t know how to talk to her

Instead I use anger towards her

She stole him from me

She deserved to be hurt

He’s mine…right?

Him.

he made me who i am

he built me up

he broke me down

he did it over and over

he promised

he broke those too

he killed me

he brought me back to life

he made me hate life

he made me love life

he made me see a future

he made me see the edge of a blade

he made me see the darkness.

he….

he….

…..he made it so if can’t trust myself with love.

*k.d.s.

his brown eyes

reflected his unfaltering love

my mistakes

filled them with tears

today he flinches

when I come near

as if the sight of me

is to much to bear

I can’t take it back

but never shall

I move on

I took his faith

and tore it to pieces

10 months & 20 days

of happiness

then 4 days

of my doubt

my lies

my attempt to protect

my harsh goodbyes

it was my fault

I just hope

he can mend

his first

broken heart

*J.L.

I might hate it but I’d still change

I hate it when one of us walks away

When we fight about stupid things

The way your voice trembles as you plead “please don’t”

How I get mad because I know that in a way

What anybody else thinks determines our fate

I love you even with each passing day

But I can’t help feeling upset

Every time you push me away

All I want is for you to love me

No matter who’s around

But I’ll stop because you want me too

I’d change everything for you in a heartbeat

written for j.t.l

I need…

I feel like when I talk I’m not listened to

Like every time I ask for more trust

Past events are thrown in my face

I don’t know how to control my anger

I push everybody away with my actions

I want to be trusted one day

Without my past haunting me

I want to stop pushing people away

I need to feel in control of my life

Honestly the only part I feel I can control

Is if I choose to live or die

I need more structure in my life

I need a set of rules I can follow

Sometimes I feel trapped

Like nothing I do can change

The way my life is going to be

I need that sense of belonging

In a place other then with

The other **** ups in the office

I need to take action in my life

That will actually make a difference

I know I can’t do it alone

I realize that I have to first

Give people a reason to stand by me

Or I’m never going to get anywhere.

I watched you today

I watched you today as you walked by

For an instant I think I saw a flash of pain

Flicker in your eyes then it was gone

With a shake of your head you keep walking

I stand there a moment longer

What I wouldn’t give

To know what you’re thinking

I can tell you what I’m thinking

I’m stronger then this

With a shake of my head

I also walk away

Whispering to myself

“No I’m not”

I lovee

There was one a person who made me feel safe

held my hand when I began to fall from grace

This person is the one I miss

He brought me love and unlimited bliss

He left me once

I left him twice

We’re hit and miss

Trial and error

Just ask me why I love him

I’ll smile & say I just do

Inside

Look me in the eyes

Don’t you see

The fear and pain that I hide

Talk to me

Let me cry

Maybe someday

I’ll let you inside

So you can understand

Me and who I am

How I live my life

Always hoping it would end

The walls that I’ve built

Please don’t even try

You’ll never pull me out

It used to be so easy

The drama didn’t matter

Your smile made my day

Your laughter filled my head

My shoulders felt lighter

With the sound of your voice

Now everything’s complicated

The drama never stops

Your smile is forced

Your laughter is gone

Just a dream

Acting in fright

Wishing one day

It will be alright

Hoping it’s all just a dream

Open and close my eyes

Is there little more than

Mistakes and fights?

Is this because of where I come from?

Who am I?

The mirror doesn’t lie

Just a sad excuse

For the wannabe daughter

Trapped inside

Slowly dying

Why can’t I just be somebody?

Just one of those people

So I guess…

You’re one of those people

Who was only meant to walk into my life,

Build me up….

Give me something to believe in….

Knock me down…

Make me cry….

Then walk away…

Kasha

Beautiful nine year old

Seemingly unaware

Of this big harsh world

I admire your courage

Watching you stand out

Refusing to blend in with the crowd

Not caring what others think

No matter what they say

Just doing your own little thing

I wish I could protect you

From the pains of growing up

At the same time I back away

Knowing my selfish actions

Hurt you more then anything

Kasha,

I wish the best for you

I know I’m not the sister you want

Or the sister you deserve

Just remember one thing

You’re part of the reason

I want to change

To become the sister you want me to be

I love you Kasha

Knocking me down

Don’t build me up so **** high

If you’re just going to keep knocking me down

Face first into the cold hard ground

Then act like you’re sorry

Yet, avoiding my eyes

So I’ll reach for your hand

Just barely alive

With that sweet smile upon your lips

Little do I know that just beyond it sits

Your cruel and evil desire that blinds me

While you lead me higher and higher

Till we get to the top of the tower

Where you push me back over the edge

No time to think about my fall ahead.

Lie Awake

Do you ever lie awake at night thinking about someone?

I know how it goes,

You hope maybe they’re lying awake too

Maybe they can’t get you out of their head

Do they think of you half as much as you do them?

You find yourself asking,

Why does it hurt so bad?

How did everything go so wrong?

You can see their face, so clearly, in your head.

You talk out loud

As if they’re standing right in front of you

All the words you wish you could say

Spill out into the empty air

You weep and laugh at the memories you have of them

Do they have those memories to?

Do they even remember you?

You finally just stare into the dark sky

Fresh hot tears shining in your eyes

Tears that person will never see

Thoughts and words they’ll never hear

So why….

Why do you still hold them so dear?

Because you hope that over the years

They’ll come home

Dry your tears

Replacing them with laughs and cheers

Yes… I know just how bad this feels.

I know how it feels to lie awake thinking about them.

Like mother like daughter

Without a face to the name

The saying ‘like mother like daughter’

Shall never be the same

How can I know if I’m following her path

If I can’t even remember

When she called last

How can I ever know if I’m anything like her

When she won’t let me in

She won’t share the secrets she holds so tight

About the past

My past

Everything she’s kept within

If I’m destined to be like my mother

How will I know?

Will I end up reading a poem

Written by my own daughter?

Will she sprawl her words and tears

About how she spends her own life wondering

When and if she’ll meet her mother

How will she know when she’s really loved?

Am I becoming my mother?

It’s almost here
Christmas time once more
This year it’s different
I’ll be 18 in 24 days
Officially an adult
Expected to act like one
It’s almost as if people think
This day magically makes you mature
That’s not the case
I’m still hung up on things
Things that I was promised
Things I was told
Things that have yet to happen
And things I did in the past
I’m not ready to be an adult yet
I can barely keep my temper at work
Never mind adding on bills and college
Part of me wants to go back in time
Be 10 years old again
But then I remember
When I was ten all I wanted was to be 18
To be treated like an adult
To have people ask me when they don’t know things
Instead of being the clueless kid
At least I know I’ll always be his babygirl
His little girl, his princess, his whole world
That when being an adult gets too hard
All I have to do is ask for some little time
I can go back to being a kid again
******* my thumb, eating spaghetti O’s
Just relaxing without worries.
So as my 18th birthday approaches
I remind myself that it is just another day
There is no rule book for the day you turn 18
Nor is there a manual to life
So I’ll just enjoy the feeling it’ll give me.