Long ago I dragged myself away from the edge
No longer felt the urge to jump & finally be free from this world of pain
Yet this day hits me like a boulder that I watched roll towards me & can not remove myself from its path.
It knocks me over the edge leaving me hanging on my my fingertips. Knowing that if I just hold on I will pull myself back up..
But that wait seems like forever while the minutes creep past me & I can't help but to let the thought cross my mind.
How easy it would be to let go
How it would feel to no longer feel at all
It would be over quickly & I would he free
I shake my head and take a deep breath
I will be alright. I will come back from the edge. I will pull myself back up & recover. I always do...

In sixteen days it'll have been two years
Two years of my life that I have spent
Looking over my shoulders when I walk
Questioning every car I get into
Spending hours on the porch in the cold
When I wake up screaming & shaking
From the same nightmare I have every night
Reliving that night over & over again
So clearly now that its burned into my eyelids
For the love of god I still flinch when touched
Everytime I relive it I feel rage & sadness
To the deepest levels of the emotions
I will never heal from you
I try to tell myself one day it wont hurt so bad
In sixteen days it'll mark two years
Two years since you ***** me
For which you spent two months in jail
Do you even regret it?
Do you loose sleep?
Do you ever think about how you ruined me?
Well...that's how I feel about it now..
Try asking me again next year.

I've come to a conclusion.
My past is my own self destruction.
While my environment verbally & mentally
Took its own sick & twisted toll on me
I took an emotional & physiological toll on myself
I allowed myself to give in to what they wanted.
Told myself that their lies were the truth
Which meant if I lied I was telling the truth
I convinced myself that if I stopped fighting
It would be better to be an empty drugged shell
I lost myself. In the worst way possible
I self destructed my education
Self destructed relationships because I never learned how to build healthy ones
I hurt those who loved me & at that time I had no emotion left except anger & fear
They didn't even need to continue to abuse me
I brought it on myself by tearing my life down
However... I tore it down because I wanted something more than that...
So here I am
Battling every day with myself
Telling myself to keep going
That I am ready
Ready to stop self destructing
Ready to learn and experience
Ready to let go of my anger and fear
Ready to be the person I wanted have the chance to be.
So please...
Forgive me if I struggle.
Forgive me if sometimes things don't click
Forgive me if I get really angry really quick
I'm trying the best I can.
Please don't give up on me
I am a good person.
I will become far more than who I am now

I honestly don't understand exactly why I did this.
No exact way to easily & simply tell you
I left my entire life behind to do this
I guess I just felt like I had to
Back home it felt like I was drowning
The worst part was it was me causing it
I held myself back never took a chance
To venture off truly on my own
I was scared that I would fail that too
Focusing so much on my fear of failure
That I lost my own dreams and inspirations
I forgot what it was like to believe in myself
Believe that even if I make a mistake
I can always find a way to get back on the right path
Finally I'm living again instead of just existing
So I guess that's why I did this.
Because I had lost sight of myself
Losing with it everything I ever wanted for myself
To travel, to spend time with people I love
To experience everything my life has to offer
Without being afraid of it all
So does that answer your question?

Here I go again
Listening to the rain fall
Spiraling into my own mind
Reaching past my sanity
Drawing out the darkness
Basking in it as if it were light
My past looks like a crime scene
Too much bloodshed and anger
With a suspect who shows no remorse
I hide behind that pretty little smile
Running on that gleam iny eyes
I pull on those clothes to hide my scars
Uh oh I see that, yes that right there
You are looking at me like a wounded puppy
As if I'm merely a broken doll
Sorry to disappoint you hunnie.
I will not be tamed nor shall you repair me
You can climb over all the walls you want
My heart is a dead end maze
It doesn't not make a path to the center
Just winds you around until you're lost too
Please don't come any closer
I will reach out to help you but I'll still fall
I'll pull you back onto the sandy shore
While I drown beneath it all
It is okay my dear do not cry for
You can still find mr past my sanity
There I have the release I crave most
Knowing here not even I can hurt myself
Nor can I bring harm to those I love
So here I go once again
As the thunder rolls in and the lights dim
I'm basking in the brightest darkness
The darkness from within

They say you've loved before
To which I thought the answer was
No, I never truly love them
Now I can understand the real answer is Yes, I loved them once upon a time
Before the pain and heartache
I loved them with all I had
To them I gave my broken pieces
In exchange for cutting myself on theirs
We swapped our darkest scars and heaviest tears
Held on until there was nothing left
I walked away with pieces of them Embedded into my fair skin
Prayed to never be forgotten
Yet prayed harder to be able to forget
I endured every broken heart
Held myself together with my belief in fate Allowed myself to fall apart once I felt I could no longer find love to give.
Gave in time and time again
Too the fear that I was unworthy
Of the simplest things in life
Unworthy of respect love or loyalty.
I lay in a bed I made upon my own failures. Keeping myself sheltered from the world Unable to see that it is because I've loved before
That I shall one day find love again.
When I did find love again every scar
That tattooed my heart burned so deeply Screaming to run away as fast as I could Yet those threads of hope smiled calmly for fate had found me once more.
So yes I've loved many before him
Had butterflies before I knew him
I've thought about forever with those
I once believed in as much as I believe in love.
That however does not make my love for him
Any less real or any less powerful.
It just means I can explore more deeply love openly and passionately.
Learn from my past mistakes
So I can see a clear future.
Believing I am completely worthy
Of his respect, love and loyalty.
We may not last forever that I know, Someday I may find myself walking away. I pray now that, that never happens.
It is because of him that I can say
Yes. I loved them and now I've found love again.

It'll be over soon
That's what they all try to say
Once he's put away it'll be over
No it won't be.
It will never be over..
I will still cope with this
He will still be the reason
For this endless insomnia
For the realest nightmares
For the way I cringe when touched
He took my normal from me
But yea..sure...
Once he's in jail it'll be over..