If I aligned my chakras
If I cleansed the blockage
If I were a little more brave
I'd be floating up eight feet
In my own salt water sea
I would spring a leak
Like nothing you've ever seen
But I can't afford the scene
I can't yet tear my seams
But I'm sure it's coming
I feel it sitting on my sternum
Lightly stinging my septum
Like too much wasabi
Like too much trauma
Like too much time
Spent thinking too much
About things I can't change

The numbers are once again dropping
As I crawl upward in notches on the wall
Perhaps my expectations are far too wild
To know yourself well and find healing
To not fall victim to the watering hole
To be present for longer incriments
To not force me into guilted situations
I have done nothing to ruin anything yet
My world has collapsed multiple times
As jagged bricks and other debris
While my hands held candelabras
To serve as guiding lights for the ones
I allowed to be the closest to me
How dark the world now must be for them
Since the icy chill wrestled my flame
Bringing forth a thick dark shadow
But the fire will soon return to me  
I'll be an endless light for more people
Who will feed and get full and leave
I think all that matters is the in-between
There is no true joy without knowing pain

No stars to guide me here
In this consecrated space
Where God watches me explore
And once I've finished
He immediately expects more
And who am I to say no
The shadows give me neck kisses
While whispering their obscenities
Teeth press down on tongue
I see you but my eyes are closed
I feel you but I'm totally alone
Other than his divinity meandering
I know what is thicker than both
The blood and the wombs water
Salivate at the thought of you
Pressed into the darkness with me
Amongst his omnipresent eyes
Also wishing you were here with me

How deep now has the venom gone
Who's veins have become blue black
Whispering lips and hollow fangs
Will anyone notice when they're bitten
I remember when I myself was venomous
Sure the potential still sits dormant
Watching the sunsets pass in grayscale  
I'm sure you'll always be a victim
Damsel causing their own distress
Concealing where the medicine goes
Stammering as the lights flicker
Entomb yourself in crystal elixirs
Like a ship built inside of a bottle
How deep now has the venom gone
Who will be the one to save you
From the waters you drown yourself in

I don't ever assess
The damage dragging
Sparks behind me
I know if I stop
I might make a flood

It leaks just a little
The small puncture
In my heart chakra
Oozing out as tears
From very dry eyes

I can process all of this
By early next year
And I'll get myself together
Dressed for the weather
And your eyes

Oh, come gentle breeze
Lie upon us two lounging
On tall grass far away
With our hands touching
As we laugh over nothing
Exhaling plumes of fragrant
Grass to guide us inside
To our deepest minds
Your eyes on my eyes
My eyes on your eyes
Oh, come gentle breeze
Rustle the weeds and leaves
Lift a tuft of his wild hair
Exhale deep and keep it there
Keep us here in this field
A scene my mind created
With a man I don't know yet
But I know he is out there
I feel it deeply in my bones
I know he will be my home
Oh, come gentle breeze
Guide his sail to my sea
In that field I will be
Sending smoke signals

I sit and imagine all of the ways
That I could be loved
And then I give myself none
I give myself none
Even in my dreams
I just give it all away
Nothing gets returned
It's fuel
It gets burned
I never learn
I'll never learn

You'll never get burned
You'll never teach me
You are an engine
You only consume

I sit and imagine all of the ways
That I could be loved
And then I give myself none
I give myself none
You'll never get burned
You'll never teach me
You are an engine
I am fuel
You only consume
You consume me