Dude, do you realize that you used the word dude
like three times in the same sentence, dude.

who does that?

have you ever felt too alive?

ya know, so alive that ya feel like killing yourself like four or five times,

just to feel alive

sometimes my mind takes me for a ride
out of control thoughts leave me troubled inside

i feel confined, i'm terrified!  i struggle to find a way to survive

been stuck here this way.  i got lost counting the days,
they all blend together.  remain stuck on replay

i still feel the same.  is it ever going to change?
i don't know why?  i am forever estranged

i'm tired of living life as a soul in despair
deprived of emotion and in need of repair

i just need a little longer.  find the strength to feel stronger
just a little more time, some more time to ponder

hey go over there and give that ***** a kiss,

but this time do it with your fist

i won't bite you
but when i do
i will take my time
until i am through

i won't chew
just a nibble will do
did i mention, i will take my time
i do just simply love the taste of you

i will take my time with you
nibble on you until i am through
i'll sink my teeth in slowly
when all that i want is just a little dose of you

,and that is just the tip of it.

abracadabra, it's just a couple of acrobatic cadavers

do you know what is really cool about me being so stupid,

i can turn it off, whenever i don't even want to

when nothing is left

i won't tell you what i'm about to do

forever that feeling of spent

indecisions clouded with tunnel vision, funneled down to one last thought

it boomerangs back to me.  the rest scatter, like from a catapult

locked in a blanket of fog.  a frozen state.  blood red stains

i think about fate

oh god please help me this soul is beginning to bleed

fear is spreading through me.  my mind cannot rest

paranoia follows me around,  like some kind of pest

i've fallen out of place.  i have lost all my grace

i can't remember myself.  i can be replaced

i have no good memories,  all has gone blank

A BLUE SHADE OF SICKNESS

is what causes the pain

it won't even wane,  won't go the **** away

death haunts me,  like screams from a nest

pistol in my grip, on my lip so it rests

to decide not to stay or to live in this place

it's just too hard to scream, without a face

i step into the void, to escape all of the noise

because, when it all turns to black, there is no turning back

what a mess you have made, what the hell were you thinking

i am only human.  and i am afraid
i may not learn from every mistake
i don't know what i am doing, but that's okay, cause i like it that way

it's okay to not feel shame.  fu'ck everything!
i fu'cked it all the way, the way i wanna fu'ck things

save yourself the disappointment, some things are better left broken

if it's fu'cked just leave it alone.

if ignored, and with patience, the smart thing to do would be to wait for it to work itself out

besides, i know of no one that knows how to unfu'ck something

i do feel a little better knowing that?
but i used to get so obsessed,  whenever i would beat on a dead horse

not quite sure why?  beat it for whatever reason,
no reason but to beat on that fu'cker until i felt better inside

it took waiting for forever.  nothing inside changed

only now, i have a deep seeded hate for that fu'cking dead horse

i hate that fu'cker more than anything!  ever!

hours and hours go by each time, i'd beat the fu'ck out of that horse,
try to beat it more and more every fu'cking time

time after time and time again, i'd try to bring myself back to life
i'd beat and i'd beat and i'd fu'cking beat,

until i got bored of beating the  fu'cking fu'ck out of that fu'cking horse

of course,  i'd fu'cking beat that horse, more and more and more,
like i was at war with that horse, just to feel better than ever before

i forever failed at feeling any better

i fu'cking hate that dead fu'cking horse!

so, i beat that fu'cker forevermore

why do i not feel like i am alive?

fu'ck, i feel dead inside!  just as fu'cking dead,  as that dead fu'cking horse

how the fu'ck, when i try and try and try, just to feel alive, but i still feel fu'cking empty.  deep down inside

i feel only one thing,  hate for that fu'cking horse
deeper down inside,  than ever before

i feel it in my core

i know that i am alive,  but i don't feel much life

does this mean that my spirit won't survive?

the more and more that i beat that fu'cking horse, i'd get more and more worn

i'd walk away from that fu'cker, more sore than ever before

i'd pour every effort into beating that fu'cking dead horse

i tore into that dead fu'cker on a quest for feeling, some sorta feeling,

to feel anything other than hate for that fu'cking horse

fu'ck,

nothing more than to constantly remind myself how much hate that i release when i love nothing more than to beat the fu'ck out of that dead fu'cking horse

the more and more that i hate that fu'cking horse

the more and more, i look forward to beating on that fu'cking dead fu'cker

anytime i find the time, i'd beat that fu'cker a few thousand times or more

beat that fu'cker all day and all night, then beat that  fu'cker some more

because it just feels right?

it's never the wrong time, to spend all of your time, beating and beating and beating on that horse until you feel something else inside

waste all of your time, not wasting any time,
beating on that fu'cking horse for the rest of your life

beat that dead horse and never resign

because, when you hate something from that deep within, it's a hatred that festers in your core

combine that much hate with all of your spare time, makes it primetime
to take all of that hatred and set everything else aside,

get primed

beat on that fu'cking dead horse, and do it double time!

of course in the meantime, wait for the hate to develop,
create a rage and violently dominate, beat and beat and beat
that dead fu'cking horse, beat that fu'cker overtime!

beat that fu'cker forever and a day

put in the time, build up your strength

and in no time you'll be in great shape, and just in time,
to beat that fu'cker for the fifth time today

make that fu'cking horse pay for a lifetime of mistakes,

that you made?

ignoring the fact that your hate is channeled away from you hating yourself even more than you hate that horse

but you fu'cking beat on it anyways

either way, that fu'cking horse endures all the beatdowns
and absorbs all the blame

that dead fu'cking horse has been dead for four fu'cking years and 68 days

you won't fu'cking quit!  you never changed a bit

all that anger, you're holding on to it

every bit of it!

your hate turns to rage.  you beat that fu'cking dead horse until you are blue in the face and fu'cking done for

never letting up!  not ever giving a fu'ck!

when is it going to be enough?

half of the time you are beating on that fu'cker you leave open the barn door
so the world can see just how much that you hate that fu'cking horse

why are you fu'cking beating on that dead fu'cking horse?

what the fu'ck for?  to even the score?

even in your downtime you beat on that fu'cker

swore you wouldn't ever stop

and sometimes you go on for a long fu'cking time

for fu'cks sake!  it's fu'cking war time, all the time,
never ever taking a fu'cking break

be on time for next time and make sure you make up for last time,

you don't want to fall behind

explore more ways to make all of the beatings, all of the time, your favorite past time

making time for next time,  to make beating the fu'ck out of that fu'cking dead horse

a fu'cking fun time!

cause anytime is a fun time, when you step out of line and find out that
there is more than enough time to beat on that motherfu'cker

forevermore

beat like you've never beaten on a dead fu'cking horse before

and beat on that fu'cker just like all of the times that you have before

beat on that fu'cker *******!  beat like it's the next world war!

beat on that dead fu'cking horse, until you can't anymore!

beat once the fu'ck more before you fall asleep and snore
because it's always a good time right before bedtime
to beat that f.ucker more than you can keep score

not only do you dream about the ultimate beatdown,
but deep down, you hope, for time itself to slow down

never have found a reason why you beat that fu'cker down

just to fu'cking feel better inside?

so eager to beat on that  fu'cker, you won't settle the  fu'ck down!

you're about to breakdown

you shout out loud about how beating on that fu'cking horse sounds

the sound of another beatdown


so realign

go back in time?

now is the time!  what the fu'ck are you waiting for?

hurry the fu'ck up!  cut in that fu'cking line!

do whatever it takes to beat the fu'ck out of that horse even more than ever before

even more than forever before.  for ever and ever more

beat on that horse for forever

and beat on that fu'cker before you walk through that door,
turn around,  beat that fu'cker down, so much more than ever before

never ever stop to do anything other than spending every minute of time
before the day that you die, beating the fu'ck out of that dead fu'cking horse

because you think it's alright?

beating on this fu'cking dead horse i thought would have helped?

i feel forever worse than ever before

living the rest of my life fu'cking hating that horse

and i will never forget how much hate that i have stored,
letting it build up, just to let it all go

now where the fu'ck is that horse!  i wanna beat on that fu'cker some more

cause when i'm dead, i can't beat the fu'cking fu'ck out of that dead fu'cking horse anymore

it ended up that i lost the war with that fu'cking horse

lost it before it began?

i started with a dead horse and ended with a fu'cking dead horse

so i beat that fu'cker just a little bit more

who thought that this would be anything other than pointless?

beating on that fu'cking dead horse was the only thought on your mind
for a long fu'cking time

your hate for that fu'cking horse, grew inside of you

to you, nothing else ever was

for you, all of those beatings blended into one single moment

your moment

beating on that dead fu'cker, time after time, with a one track mind

you beat and beat and beat on that fu'cking dead horse, for a lifetime

during that time, you spent your life beating away
you had the time of your life, only to find out that, your life has passed you by
you're too late.  your time is up

you have fu'cked away your life

one beatdown at a time

consumed by hate for a horse that's not even alive?

but you'll hate that dead fu'cking horse for the rest of your life

you just started beating away one day and you don't even know why?

know i'm the kind of person that wears their heart on their sleeve

unfortunately for you my coat is in the other room

waiting there just not to care

want to see what i store in my underwear?

i was dead inside
until the 4th of July
now i feel
but I don't feel alive

after all of these years i have finally found my place

i find that my place doesn't have enough space

lets face it, i don't fit

there is not enough space for me to fit into my place

today i do not feel the need to wear my bluetooth in my ear,
when talking to myself in public is all that i really want to hear

well, i'm all done with yesterday, now i got nothing to do for the day

maybe i'll build me a wall today

gonna build me a billion walls or more

build a wall without any windows

i can do it again, i've built a wall before

next door gonna build me a few hundred million walls or more

i build walls with my building wall skills that i'm so thrilled about the hole that i had just drilled

i build walls that they don't even pay me for, so i just keep building them, i don't even keep score

i'll build this wall, for whatever for,

then build that wall after i'm done with chores

cut the cord, cause i'm gonna build a wall too tall to ignore

so stick around, see what's in store, we got one we built in 1474

i'm gonna build a single wall to contain a quarter horse

the other three weren't paid for
there for show, they'll just be on display, there to adore

gonna build a wall with out doors that ways outdoors
has to stay outdoors

breaking my ball, building all of these walls, i feel it in my core,
***** to the wall, i do it *******

i do it until i am sore and worn

i just build all of these walls until i can't anymore

mindless I ride in the saddle of my shadow
i mock and mimic my every move
when i cut it up, we bust it loose
when we're getting the groove on, i never lose

the choice, to forget to know
whichever way we choose not to go
whenever i'm playing a lame game
of duck, duck,  whose the goose?

we are never left alone, when i start to bust it loose
as we tune to the zone, i call in all the troops
confused, not knowing what to do
they tuck their tails, and show their caboose

everyone ran like hell, gave up for no reason
oh how they've failed, isn't that treason?
they're fu'cking scared, they don't like your tone
so just let them all be, fu'cking leave them alone

now truly lone?
where to?
where do we go?
i just can't decide

we can get lost in the dark, so i'll run there to hide
you watch my back, i'll distract my mind??
soon to be over, i run from the light
as i disappear, we set sail into the night

can we pretend, at least for now, that i am fine?
as strange as it is here, i find comfort in despair
time gets lost, as forever feels like yesterday
alone inside my head, my thoughts become useless
i close my eyes and drift silently into the void
disturbed by the noise here, i try to remain sane
absent of emotions, with an undecided mind
i struggle to locate, the frequency of reality,  in which to believe
i remain hollow, left feeling empty inside
why am i even here? am i even alive?
this memory won't fade, it won't go away!
it's too familiar to me, i'm far from okay!
my world is out of focus, it's so far out of reach
will i ever calm down? it's getting too hard to breathe!
i live in a nightmare, with no closure or rest!
paranoia follows me around, like some kind of pest!
when panic knocks at the door, it's time to hide
stuck in this moment, frozen in time
this is all getting too real!  this feeling is all mine
remember before?
let's just pretend, that i'm fine?

stay the fu'ck away from me today

you radiate so much hate

you emit too much bull'****

just too fu'cking ignorant to get it

we all want nothing to do with you, so stay the fu'ck away today

go flush your sh'itty mood and your ugly fu'cking attitude

stay the fu'ck away, you are just more bad fu'cking news

just go the fu'ck away, because today we want nothing to fu'cking do with you

i just couldn't walk away, no matter how hard i tried.

i did it anyways, and i didn't even try

i guess ya go with the flow when you have had three best day evers, all in a row?

ya know, one of those days when all of your ducks are all lined up, but so dislocated and far from being like some sorta day in any sort of a row

but that's ok tho, cause when you're feeling like a paper airplane that's headed towards that open window

nobody knows just how many days that you'll go having way too many more best days ever, all lined up and finally in a row

i guess anything and everything is possible when you're sporting a square peg round hole attitude, just making no thing and nothing seem so simply impossible, i suppose?

so there you go, and it goes to really show that, that is that, just me, the day and that there wide open window

first thing i do
when i get up, i po op

i don't know what to do?
it's kind of a mess
and i'm kinda confused?

it just doesn't add up?
but for some rather usual reason?
i seem to get up
10 minutes sooner
then when i wake up?

what bad fu'cking news
how much sleep did i not lose?
i haven't a clue, am i presently dreaming about my latest muse?

if i only had half a brain,  then i would only need half a brain

somehow i know that?

but how could it be known that,  a half brain can think

yet remain incomplete

but to be smart enough,  to know its own needs

to need a whole half of a brain,  to be complete

now that's just incompletely sane?

i still know who i am,  but i don't feel the same
luckily the half my hand is holding,  is the container for my name

on a quest to search for the rest.  all by itself,  it tries its best

but to be just half a brain,  that tries to obtain,
its other self,  is just too hard to explain

it sure would be nice to have somebody else around here to congratulate me and hand me my award for being the smartest man in the room

hard to imagine, that so long ago

i left without reasons. where did i go?

am i some sort of ghost?  or just flying solo?

too much time spent, in a direction unknown

slowly losing myself, let that be known

there's no place like a home

wherever i don't even go?

forever doubting the things, that i'll never even need to know

i'm just living this life, lost and alone

i am happy and i love what i do,
but it's sad that i don't get to enjoy doing what i love to do

i just had the best day ever
i don't even know why
i just had four in a row
i hope more are nearby

i won't deny that i didn't qualify
i won't lie that i didn't even try

not to even wonder why,
why i am on cloud nine and feeling all too fine, feels like i want to live forever, i hope this feeling never dies

it feels like i'm driving high tides throughout the marshmallow skies, with my spirit so alive, soaring ever so high with solar butterflies while angels await to chant solace lullabies

the sun will never not shine
the day never runs out of time
to stay here forever, and never resign,
here I will remain,  this moment is all mine

why would you wanna say goodbye just to let another day go by when best day evers seem to magically multiply

i sink so far into inversion as a misinterpreted introvert
that i have swallowed myself whole

i sort of take on a role that seems out of control

it's kind of mechanical the way that retreat to my hole

my mind goes for a stroll like an inverted mole
digging down deep to troll the depths of my soul

i see you, but i try to hide my eyes from you

because really all that i want to do
is to play a little peek-a-boo with you

don't get confused on what to do
we're both adults here

it's true, peek-a-boo is just a playful muse
that grown ups choose to do inside the bedroom

untame behaviors so taboo, like deviants loose
running wild throughout the zoo

so what else should we do?  besides play peek-a-boo?

just a few peeks will do
enough to keep me amused
because if i'm not hiding my view
i can't take my eyes off of you

life is like biting into the ripest peach, only to later realize

that once you bit, you should have just quit

how does it taste?  to be chewing dog sh'it

I swear that i gotta get out here, go to Somewhere, anywhere, but i got nowhere to go. Everywhere those roads go, that i don't know, they got to lead to Somewhere, to Anywhere, but Here. Don't go There, There is where everything has already happened. Been There. Nowhere is such a lonely place, i feel hopeless. It's unreal that you came to see me. Unlikely as it may be. But i am certainly sad, that you had found me.
Full-bore, pedal to the fu'cking floor, speeding right the fu'ck past the road that Nowhere goes. Is a road, It goes straight the **** to Anywhere, anywhere you want, to end up somewhere that's not Here or There, it will even lead you to Everywhere, even to Somewhere where you feel you belong. Not a place like Nowhere, that feels totally wrong, if ya want to go everywhere, that too many places to go, it will just string you along. Or else, if you just want some space, to get away, Elsewhere is a good place. If you're in Elsewhere, get out, get a map, find somewhere else besides Elsewhere to go, or else where you go you will just be somewhere else, and still looking for somewhere to go. So follow your map, don't fall for the trap, cause Elsewhere don't care that you live in despair and now you lost, seeking anywhere and everywhere to go, but the road to Nowhere is the only way, to find some road somewhere, to go to Somewhere, or else ya gonna be back in Elsewhere or just somewhere else, Now in total despair, to someone's else it may not be that unfair, but you got lost yourself and no one else fu'cking cares.
Somewhere is near here, but it's also close to Nowhere. Here is not where you want to be, it feels like Nowhere. Somewhere is where it's at. At least you're somewhere. But over there, where Here used to be, but where is it, it's not here, or even over there. It could be anywhere, i've looked fu'cking everywhere but Somewhere is nowhere to be found. It could be near enough, It could even be here, there or anywhere. It's got to be somewhere, but it's nowhere to be. So where do we go from Here. Cause Somewhere is out there somewhere, but those roads lead you to Somewhere else. Now you just feel your stuck here but it's all good, it's ok, it's just fu'cking alright, you never had to leave, because at least you're here, and Here has always been somewhere to be, you're always somewhere, like right here, so why not enjoy just being here, Here is so near, you're already there, somewhere, where you belong, because if you not here somewhere, then you are just on you way to Somewhere else, still looking somewhere else for somewhere to be.

i'd trade today for just one more yesterday

i miss when things were simpler. we had no worries at all
i haven't felt that way in forever, but i try my best to stand tall

living in this world gets harder everyday

i need to remind myself to breathe
i need some light to rid me of this darkness
i need a new horizon, some reason to believe

i wish I could turn back the time to remember what this life has meant to me

how has it gotten this way?

why am I left feeling this way?

i miss when things were together. instead of falling apart

searching for some piece of mind. trying to heal this broken heart

absorbing this moment. i hold on a little longer

remembering all the struggles that had made me stronger

i am not losing hope in this life, i'm just trying to find reason

i just need to feel alive, know there's something left inside

i need to hold my head up high, remind myself again how hard that i tried

now, all that i know is i should be taking this slow, forgetting it all,
and letting **** go

start in loving myself. let myself show

cause when i fall this far apart, i no longer glow

i wasn't there yesterday

i didn't get to see the way your eyes smile,  when you smile at me

you weren't here today, and for some reason, i still feel the same

what happens tomorrow?

will we coexist?

i don't know what this is,  but i think you were missed?

what's that smell?

there's that smell again

you smell good

i'm gonna come over and stand by you because you smell good

you smell with your nose, right?

good, because i just farted

i'm doing good, but i am so fu'cking bored

i'm doing so good that i'm feeling like i'm needing to fu'ck
up my life some,  just so that i am not doing so good

that would make me feel so good,

then i wouldn't be so bored because i'd be doing something that feels so fu'cking good

look at me go,  into a new year

i plan on taking it slow

so slow,  that you would never ever know,  even if I told you so?

now,  i'm just letting you know that,  you now know that?

so that,  it will be known that,
i might just stay right here,  to ring in the new year

because it's perfectly clear,  that if,  right here i stay,
everything else,  will remain just plain ok

because for some other reason,
i still think that tomorrow,  is still coming today

drowning in a present,  of a past i can't change,
i have hope that next year does not bring along the same

the next,  it's unknown,  that's why I take it soooo slow,
last year brought on the fear,  and it really has shown

but i'm not really scared of letting it go,
just hoping that last year,  will leave me alone

i am no longer afraid,  of change or no change
and whatever happens,  i'll try not to complain

so prepare for next year,  stay somewhat the same,
just be yourself,  but do continue to change