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began with you
Updated July 2019

I began with you. I think it over. Nights that pass when we no longer sleep together. We lay next to each other as your body carries you away. Repeatedly, I watch you. I pack up my things because we have no home in together. Buddies are what we feel like. Will romance ever have a chance to live? I hope for one day a change that aligns up with this love you claim. I look at you to tell you I love you, your gaze at me is one of disdain. Yet even in that, I hang hopelessly in said love. Will you change for me too? I am numb.

I began with you. I moved here for a love that we fantasied of, but did not put your hands to. I feel like a punching bag, getting each blow from previous relationships that have scorned you. Once done, the vibe shifts into this strange charge that illuminates the disconnect, the lack of between us. It takes time, you say. But when I wait to see an action from your heart, nothing.
I began with you but ended up with me. It is almost as if you were hoping time does the convincing for you. What if time gave us the love we needed? There would be no need for companionship. While you say there is no one else on your radar, we know better. Someone motivated by love would do all they could to keep it together. Keep it real. Mom always taught me love is an action word designed by God to reveal. But I wait. Wondering what I did to deserve this type of bait that hooked me so easily. The kind of ship that only one person is present in. My heart is drained; will it heal? I’m not so sure I believe in love anymore.
Used all up, I began with you. I pray for you, more than I pray for myself. I just hope I’m strong enough to survive when the real reason you’ve been withdrawn reveals itself. I’ve been nothing but transparent, wishing your listening is matched with fresh new choices to pick up your end of this space. Otherwise, my life has been ruined, and this time again, a waste.
I begin with me.
Love is a losing game at times but you win when loving you no longer feels like a crime
Noah James III Dec 2019
When I wanted so badly for us to work.
[the Questions at the end of my confessions]

I wondered if you just choose not to answer me. I also couldn’t skate over the thought of if I was ever a sincere choice as oppose to just a trial to you. Of the many options, when you didn’t have to work, were you ever going to allot quality time for you and I?

What is a relationship to you?

Did I ever get it right some of the time?

Was I important or significant to you?

We were internet/ long distant friends for ten years-
What do you mean focus on a “dope *** friendship”?

Did you take me serious when I shared my challenges & uncertainties?

How connected are you to how you contribute to my heart?

What could I possibly do to make openness + honesty with me something you’d desire to do?

Did you consider me as someone you’d marry all to settle for just a temporary fling?
Noah James III Dec 2019
Who am I?
(Inspired by Frida Kahlo's story)

Will not compromise my vision
its birth from repetitive chaotic pain caused
by idiotic hypocrisies from ignorant people
I dance
but I will not compromise my vision
I see vividly the well that causes the
leakage in my eyes... the drunkenness to
escape the extremely loud *******
screaming questions that I search for answers to.
One by one
By one... I’m still searching.
My heart sings so heavily into this dark
Pit of hell. And, yes, I feel every burn.
I cheated on myself.
I write
I will not compromise my vision by staying true.
What freedom ?
I don’t know.
I am truth, I am free
in the perimeters of my own cage
you sorry *** *******, I blame you for feeding me unnutritional food
for thought
Expecting me to bring life.

and abuse my vision
You benefit from these babies
they grow and you soak up the anointing God placed in me
my gifts are yours.
you wanted me to disguise the message
that you derive from  my vision.
This art speaks volumes to the insecurities.
I can’t
Can’t compromise my vision to make yours appear more holy
your sins are not mine to bear, they were
sent to God through the sacrifice of your living.
Living in an animalistic old testament view
of worshiping your actions to please
a religiously framed God who simply wants to love you.
Your wish to compromise my vision
would result in me denying the very grace
that created it. My truth is in alignment
with understanding God's truth that
gave me my vision. Yes I am free
to express.
I will not compromise my vision
they are only my footsteps in this life.
The stain in the paper from my ink
the flower from my seed
the blood transfusion.
I will not compromise my vision, I made
that mistake before
I did not ask for this glorious life, and therefore it was never mine.
This is my sanctuary... of worship
my avenue of praise it reflects who I am in this world.
Who are you!?

©2009 Noah David James III
It all started in 2009...
Noah James III Dec 2019
sunrise: 01/08/19
sunset: 06/01/19

I was for you
You made me feel love on every plane, see
You were strong and beyond your years
I looked forward to our 1 year anniversary
Our life together- we flowed
I trusted you
I allowed you to see my nakedness
my asymmetry
I wanted you
I desired you
You inspired me entirely
I loved you
You were more thoughtful
More compassionate
More temperate.

With everyday we said good morning
Then goodnight while it was storming
I watched you slept
We dreamed together- so I thought
I admired every inch of your body, mind and spirit
I loved for all eternity, if you wanted forever
Our time could've been stronger and exuberant
I was for you
Our friendship blossomed into a love I had no clue I could taste
Thank you for giving me just the sample.

I was there for you
I supported every goal and aspiration
I craved your ascension
Our ascension
And if you ever felt lonely
I was in that space with you
I pray we grow even more closer, stronger and deeper in love
You had me.

Were you ever mine?
This was originally written in the present tense but as it was fleeting and short lived, I changed it.
Noah James III Dec 2019
Too much time wasted
lost a lover, lost a friend
so much time gone tell me why did you pretend?
you’ve lost your gaze
do you remember what you saw?
we imagined colorful ways
we promised love would never be lost
all this time now gone
you grew tired of me
everyday love so quickly
became something you no longer can see.
Was it all a fantasy?
Noah James III Dec 2019
Never did I imagine love could work for me. After a few trials, I've learned that reciprocity should not be expected from someone broken, unable to love themselves, thus unable to love me.

You've shown me that beyond physicality, you were here, forever. Got comfortable, we embraced this cosmic journey together.

Our freedom rang and dusted away ruins untouched, and built. We aren't 16 anymore and haven't reached 30, but your heart was still tilted.  
Bruised with holes to many to count, my love would never fill you
so you chose to live without instead of in our love to heal.
SUNRISE 10/2018 - SUNSET 07/2019

— The End —