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Chemistry but lacks poetry.
Is it in the worth on the other side
or am I better off not trying?

Is poetry abrupt or slow building?
Is that the quiet difference
between poetry and prose?
Like the subtle, sometimes unknown
reason behind the colors of a rose..
Subtle still doesn't negate the fact
that there IS a difference...
Even if it's only known by
gifter and/or the beholder.

and I think thats what I'm getting at.
Inevitable Jun 22
first time I ever wrote a real letter
6 pages
ill never send
it holds the truth
mine.
and sending it would likely only benefit me
so ill keep it.
but if you come across this.
I love you.
always have.
always will.
my distorted sense of saving was to our detriment.
I will always want you.
It was always you, even when I lied to purposely push you away.
my doors always open.
im sorry. for everytime ive left. and every bit of pain I caused you.
youre brilliant. strong. beautiful.
I wish things couldve been different.
I wish we couldve really tried.
Id give you forever.
I hope youre happy and if youre not, I hope you get everything you ever wanted, even if it isnt with me.
29
Inevitable Jun 18
Vulture,
picked at the soft spot in my stomach
released the caterpillars and
made bows with my intestines,
then presented them to me like some present.
Was I supposed to be grateful?
That you picked through my graveyard,
found the fresh rot that still existed
and exploited it to make me a victim again
but put your name on the tomb
and circle above to make sure
there was no witness.
You lingered to make sure I wasnt moving?
Make sure that the last bit of breath you gave me, escaped through my mouth, putrid,
and im sure you waited for the chance to dive if that last breathe ever dared to speak your name to anyone within ear shot
so the truth wouldn't remain.
If that last breath
would be used to write a statement.
If the last breath would choose to tell the truth,
while you cried wolf. You cried, you wolf.
In sheeps clothes. You never cared.
You watched with wings outstretched to dry
while blocking the view and
soaking it up, all for you.
You leech. You vampire.
I remove the mat from my door,
you cannot come in.
I cover my crown. put back the ceiling so that you can no longer circle the sky
looking to see if im dead. not still.
I had fallen, true, not for you.
But for the expectation that you failed to deliver, despite the bar being just below the surface
and like the rose, from the concrete, I rose.
Never needing fodder. No father. No daddy.
No ring but the one on my door that caught every last word you wouldnt dare speak to a peer but I hold, loaded, one in the chamber,
fighting my finger off the trigger,
for your sake, for whatever reason.
older piece. finally edited.
Inevitable Jun 4
Showing up to speak yet having nothing to say
bleeding all over the place,
dropping seeds and moving away,
arguably complacent,
counting down each second of the day.
I have no time to feel sorry
and all time to never stop trying.
to never stop fighting
even while crying,
to feel my feelings and grit my teeth,
process the trauma, practice belief.

I went from regression to progressing.
Back to where I first hid and was
pawned to the highest bid
afflicted by inflictions
pained by inflections
ignored by the witness
so I tourniquet the burdened kid
I'm no superman if not for my own life
just a guiding light for those whose will is fight
and a narcissists kryptonite.
Inevitable May 29
I'll stay up until my eyes give out
and stay asleep until I jump back awake.
I'll keep fighting until my lungs give out
and stay in whatever solace is left in this place.
You can go a year on your own,
coasting at whatever pace
and then have **** near every ounce of peace
snatched from right in front of your face.

I dont know whats to come or how ill manage
but I know ive always found a way before.
No matter how many times I fall and break
I never fail to get up from off the floor.
I will stay here for a minute though to ground.
The only times I wish for company
is when I cant get it from the friends i've found.
Its no shock its a test.
To try and find rest despite it.
Feeling my nervous system panic
and try to fight it and not being able to flight it.
Its not new or news
i'm just tired of being abused
im tired of having to be strong
and i'm so tired of being so confused.

I am not like these people
so I could never understand.
Simply because id never move how they do
but I still try to comprehend.
It doesnt matter intent.
It doesnt matter whats shared in kindness.
I could lay it all on the table
and they'd still keep their hand hidden.

I see I'm meant to deal with it solo.
I just dont know how to do so
yet without fail, without handbook,
I do it once more.
If I have to end you for my progress
I WILL contemplate whether to pull a trigger.
I know what would be at risk
and id STILL not want to end a father.
Its inevitable.
Inevitable May 26
Every person I've known and loved,
knows of you too. By name.
Inevitable May 22
Its not that I remember you
cause I never forgot,
but when I actually think back
I instantaneously get lost.

I get lost in the current,
tension in the waters,
wondering your distance,
the sloshing in my stomach.

The waves of each emotion
crashing the time thats still passing
starting to feel slow motion,
the regret still amassing

and its never a regret of you.
its my disturbance,
the ripples I sent before I could've stayed.
So I've remained at bay.
Sitting. Waiting. Wadding.
treading. dreading. debating.

I cant send blame when I sent you away.
I send out a line.
ring once. twice. stop trying?
Know i've been attempted to do whats best
even if its putting this to rest.
Ive disturbed the peace.
once. twice. more? before.
I settle on the sea floor.
I have found peace in the still
counting krill. growing gills.

I can breathe now.
Head under water.
Find peace now.
though my love has never faltered.

I could live this way.
I just don't want to.
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