Showing up to speak yet having nothing to say
bleeding all over the place,
dropping seeds and moving away,
arguably complacent,
counting down each second of the day.
I have no time to feel sorry
and all time to never stop trying.
to never stop fighting
even while crying,
to feel my feelings and grit my teeth,
process the trauma, practice belief.

I went from regression to progressing.
Back to where I first hid and was
pawned to the highest bid
afflicted by inflictions
pained by inflections
ignored by the witness
so I tourniquet the burdened kid
I'm no superman if not for my own life
just a guiding light for those whose will is fight
and a narcissists kryptonite.

I'll stay up until my eyes give out
and stay asleep until I jump back awake.
I'll keep fighting until my lungs give out
and stay in whatever solace is left in this place.
You can go a year on your own,
coasting at whatever pace
and then have **** near every ounce of peace
snatched from right in front of your face.

I dont know whats to come or how ill manage
but I know ive always found a way before.
No matter how many times I fall and break
I never fail to get up from off the floor.
I will stay here for a minute though to ground.
The only times I wish for company
is when I cant get it from the friends i've found.
Its no shock its a test.
To try and find rest despite it.
Feeling my nervous system panic
and try to fight it and not being able to flight it.
Its not new or news
i'm just tired of being abused
im tired of having to be strong
and i'm so tired of being so confused.

I am not like these people
so I could never understand.
Simply because id never move how they do
but I still try to comprehend.
It doesnt matter intent.
It doesnt matter whats shared in kindness.
I could lay it all on the table
and they'd still keep their hand hidden.

I see I'm meant to deal with it solo.
I just dont know how to do so
yet without fail, without handbook,
I do it once more.
If I have to end you for my progress
I WILL contemplate whether to pull a trigger.
I know what would be at risk
and id STILL not want to end a father.
Its inevitable.

Every person I've known and loved,
knows of you too. By name.

Its not that I remember you
cause I never forgot,
but when I actually think back
I instantaneously get lost.

I get lost in the current,
tension in the waters,
wondering your distance,
the sloshing in my stomach.

The waves of each emotion
crashing the time thats still passing
starting to feel slow motion,
the regret still amassing

and its never a regret of you.
its my disturbance,
the ripples I sent before I could've stayed.
So I've remained at bay.
Sitting. Waiting. Wadding.
treading. dreading. debating.

I cant send blame when I sent you away.
I send out a line.
ring once. twice. stop trying?
Know i've been attempted to do whats best
even if its putting this to rest.
Ive disturbed the peace.
once. twice. more? before.
I settle on the sea floor.
I have found peace in the still
counting krill. growing gills.

I can breathe now.
Head under water.
Find peace now.
though my love has never faltered.

I could live this way.
I just don't want to.

I'm busy finding myself and getting aquatinted. Feel like my past body is on the pavement.
It always had to be me who saved me.
Now it's a different picture being painted.

Put me on a t shirt; that death was inevitable. Prolonged for too long because
I was told I wasn't capable.
I dug a grave and now I stand on top of it.
This life has always been some twisted monopoly. So I framed a death for new possibilities.
New ID, new area code.
A brand new home where no one knows me.

Im back to my old dream
since living in a false reality.
Heavily medicated had my foundation cloudy.
I'm out and I'm free from
the chains of my mentality.
Here comes the sun and the summer.
Pink cloud mornings bring on the thunder.
No rain can drown me out.
I prayed for a storm in the face of a drought.
I will scream in the name of resistance and
demand the change that persists. This is it.
Its inevitable.

Born again.
It ain't no euphemism.
Dealing with this anger and depression
it's like I got the **** youth again
and I don't have any friends.
The people that call me don't read my pen
and they don't repent
but it doesn't make them any less heaven sent.
I've been learning and failing
for as long as I can remember.
The lessons I've learned has been simple tinder
for this fire in my soul and ain't no dent in my bumper that can muffle this thunder,
cause you're going to hear what I have to say
even if I cant find the words to muster.
My smile glistening with blood in my teeth
from all the rocks that I swallowed
when I ain't have nothing to eat.
I refused to claim defeat.
You couldn't walk in my shoes
cause I had bare feet.
Blisters that made them bleed
and it never stopped me.
I was beaten black and blue
but I kept silent to appease you.
What you said you'd do if I told,
wasn't what happened when the truth unfolded. Instead I was scolded.
Lost wandering in this world and
always cold shouldered. Considering it all,
I kept the chip of mine.
Walked the line and called on the divine.
Then I woke up one day and decided not to live past 9 cause when I called up to God,
I got the busy toned line.
I woke up and there was no one home to find me.
The message was blinding.
No one was going to save me besides me
so I got to the soul finding.
I woke up again and I was 25.
My old life was behind and I had a chance to shine.
No direction to go in,
just went where the river was flowing.
Without even knowing
I was living and growing.
The old memories were like a dream
but theres one I've been constantly chasing.
I refuse to forget
when my memories constantly erasing.
It's been hard to face dealing with a body that always felt out of place.
Defending my energy with a can of mace
and suddenly it's only me left to embrace.
So I do, until I turn blue.
Transcending time and space trying to find you.