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Brown haired guy
Only 5’3 but still way taller than me guy
Always laughing at my jokes and I laughed at his
We become so funny together guy.
When he smiles, cute gap shows up in his teeth kind of guy.
When he is scared his faces scrunches up like a dried grape guy.
Overprotective and trustworthy guy.
A guy that stays up till 2:00 a.m.  just to make sure I won't die
A guy that makes me genuinely happy.
I didn't think that was possible anymore.
A guy that I wish still loved me that type of guy.
The guy I pushed away because of my thoughts that type of guy.
The guy that is never going to be by my side again
The only guy that made my heart stop when I wasn't in his arms.
The only guy that said we can run away together.
The only guy that ever tried.
Why did I have to fall so deeply for
this curly haired guy
Brown eyes that glisten when he looks into mine
I began to give him forehead kisses and he began to do the same with me.
A guy that makes me feel so safe when I am by his side.
That is the guy
I went swimming last night.

Every stroke feel like your hands around my waist,

My body remembering you,

Remembering the summer we spent floating away every day,

Remembering the amusement park where we ran to the carousel

Just to realize

It is closed.

The cyclone made me sick with love as your hands interlaced with mine.

When I raised up on the detonator looking at you I felt safe.

Like I was in your arms.

I am in your arms

Your old house

Everything smells like you.

Fireworks are going off; I swear for a second I thought it was my heart

Beating with yours.

I smell your breath

I am kissing you.

Outside the movies

And I realize

I am in love

I go home and cry

Because I know this feeling isn't going to leave

And I got scared

Scared

In my room

Crying

Calling you to say
"I'm sorry"

Taking 20 pills before the call

Planning on 20 more after

"I'm sorry"

(Next day)

You're holding me

Guiding me

My tongue so badly cotton-mouthed

But I still utter

“I love you”.

Then in our memories

Fighting

Yelling

I have forgotten how to breathe

I'm shaking

My mind takes what you said

Twists it

Multiplies it

I believe I am no good

I am no good

I believe I can't escape

I can't escape

Now I am here

In class

Thinking

Of

You

Because the board shadowed a place you use to sit

Because my nails are as chewed up as they were the first time you grabbed my hand

Because I still am carved up inside my stomach
For when I was trying to build a home there for you.

And

I lied.

Yes,

Everything

Does

Remind

Me

Of

you.

It always has.
I wake up getting jumped on,
Pulling my blankets over my head
being forced to wake up
and deal with what you guys call life.
But I call it a monster
that picks at me and picks at me
some days he picks bigger pieces of me
other times small
but at the end of the day
I'm still scared that he is going to pick at me
until I'm no more.
And I'm sorry,
I'm saying it again like a broken record that just keeps on repeating.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for ******* everything up,
I’m sorry for being weak,
I’m sorry for being sad all the time,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Maybe if I lock myself in this room
And never come out
I will never have to be sorry ever again,
Would everyone be happy then?
Would you be happy?
I lay here,
I’ve been lying on this floor for a couple hours now
motionless
like a calm pond in the middle of the winter, frozen solid.
But my mind it seems to be in reverse
is more like an ocean
filled with waves, tsunamis, and hurricanes
mixed up until I don't know
what I'm supposed to think or feel anymore,
I am dying,
No not really dying
Just my insides they seem to be rotting away,
Turning into pitch black.
As I try to fix it, it only seems to multiply until my insides are covered.
I am alone.
I wake up, sometimes that's the hardest thing to do is just wake up.
when you’re awake
you hear your mind talk to you, and I promise it's not very kind,
”You're a mistake, you're doing everything wrong, you will always be lonely.”
I then go to school,
I see the people I once thought who cared
and they seem to be growling at me.
Every step I make
seems to be heavier than the last
and I seem to be doing it all wrong.
Maybe I should just stop and freeze,
I'm not living
I'm barely surviving
and you might wonder, what's the difference?
I'll tell you it's big.  
And sometimes I catch myself wondering
Why do I care?
Did you ever care?
I doubt you did
you're so close, but at the same time so far.  
Your eyes are like that of a doll’s
I can't even see you anymore in them.
I hate you.
I tell myself this
I hate you.
you have hurt me to the point of brokenness but at the same time, I still care.  
Why do I care?
I ask myself this, why do I?
I don't know.  
I want to tell you how I feel,
but I can't seem to find a way.
I still miss you
I haven’t been the same since you left
I guess that is what happens when your other half is gone
But I promise it does get better
It guesses it has to.
It hurts
but time makes this pain easier to forget.
So goodbye
Goodbye friend

— The End —