Depression.
Some say it's all in your head, others say you're just being dramatic.
But what they don't understand is that you already know that.
You know because you tell yourself that every single time you feel that pit in your stomach that says, "I am empty, but I do not know why."
No, the pit in your stomach will not go away, but you will never know why it's there. You are not sad, you are not lonely, you are just empty.
This emptiness takes away any and all will you had to just write a five hundred word essay that is due in 5 hours. The feeling that will change when you sleep, when you eat, how you dress, who you keep around, and so on.
This feeling will drag you by your cut wrists to the bathroom to step on a scale you already checked 5 minutes ago.
The feeling shouts, "You are worthless, and nobody loves you."
The feeling says everyone hates you, but you know that's not true.
...Deep down.
But until you've dipped your toe in the water, you won't want to dive deep enough to understand that you matter.
That you are loved.
That you are needed.
Depression is commonly mistaken as a monster.
The monster under the bed that you need your mom to spray with a 60 mL bottle that carries the vaccination.
But it is a lack there of: It is emptiness.
It is tiredness.
I try to find what is making me feel so empty. When I was little, I thought I had found a cure.
I thought it was so simple.
I thought, "Oh, it goes away when I am distracted!!"
But now the feeling has evolved.
It began to feed off of my self-hatred,
and it has grown to be a most wretched beast that will no longer be conquered.
And now the only pieces to the broken puzzle I have found are the broken shards of a mirror I broke when the mirror said I was so horribly ugly.