While I don't necessarily dislike lighter colors, I don't often involve them in my artwork.
I find it inaccurate to make a piece meant to involve a lot of feeling so happy, because I feel that 'happy' isn't a good feeling.
When I make art, I want people to cry. I want them to feel the things I felt when I wrote it.
Until I met them, I didn't realize I could pour happiness into art as well. I didn't realize I could make people feel happy when they saw my art because I didn't believe that would be making them feel the way I felt when I wrote it.
That was my biggest flaw and regret: Negativity.
Now that I have people I hold close to me, I finally believe that I can put something positive into my art.
And that being said,
Go out there.
Feel something.
Be something, do something, go somewhere! It's finally time for me to exit this dark place in my life, and I hope you soon follow me out of the door.
While I don't believe I am necessarily happy, I am content now. I feel that life is worth living. I'm still trying to quit bad habits, I'm still trying to having healthy eating and sleeping schedules, but I'm calm nonetheless.
I'm finally ready to move on from my past, and I want you to come with me out the door. I want to move on with you, I want you to be happy...
I want you to be proud of yourself
And even though it's gonna be hard,
I can be proud enough of you

For the both of us.

I want to play music
But I have nothing to play
Worth listening to

He slapped me
And it bruised
But honestly
I shouldn't have said that
I pushed him again
I shouldn't have tried to tell him to quit
Because fixing him isn't my job
I'm supposed to love him through everything
and I do
I do
The words that started it all
I do
But I didn't
Understand the situation
But now I do
And it's okay
He wasn't always like this
It's just the things
He chooses to consume
It's not a choice
It's an addiction
And besides
the makeups already done
And the bruise is already hidden
It's fine
We're fine
He's fine
This is fine

We had so much chemistry
And it was going great
I thought you were wonderful
But you thought I was strange

Look at her go
She goes so fast
Time to let go
She grows so fast
Look at her run
She runs so fast
Oh, now she's gone
They're gone so fast
The train
The house
The quiet
Mouse
She travelled afar
With a mouse
Snuck on a train
Watch her go
The train's so fast
How the heat
Turned to rain so fast

The trauma specialist
you know, the one with the leopard print glasses
the neck that sags
the voice that cracks
the one who always has
fruit snacks
yeah
that one
the trauma specialist
is starting to call
The Moon a she
And that pleases me
The Moon's a she and she The Moon she pleases me and she's a she
She The Moon
She pleases me

Running
Flying away from you
Your betrayal
Flying away from you two
Wash your hands before takeoff
The soap
The smell
Your smell
The soap
The flowers
The soap, your smell, the flowers,
A betrayal, soap
And a misplaced plane ticket

Dancing on the hardwood floors
Careful not to slip
But it's hard to see
In this pitch-black room
The light journeyed afar
to say hi to an old friend
Who needs a little bit of light
Right now
The smell of lilacs
My mother's perfume
Invades
the pitch-black room

"Sorry, what's your name again? No, give me a second, I got it."
I forgot your name
"Sorry, I don't really remember anything before 6th grade!"
My memory is awful
Trauma made me block it out

Sorry, what was I saying?

The event
that turned my life
upside down
inside out
backwards
Was losing you
The day you stopped saying
"Hi!"
Was the day
I stopped saying anything
Because I had nothing worthwhile to say
I had no one to say anything to

That day I lost you
I lost my voice

She, who's life I'm curious about
The way she's always smiling
when people are around
And her smile brightens the whole room
I could see her smile from Mars
But she, who's life is tragic
Ignorance is bliss
I imagine her feeling nothing but happiness
I imagine her life at home is splended
Filled with love, hugs, affection
I imagine she's happy
And ignorance
is bliss.

And I was trying to be mad
But all I could do was cry
Because I wasn't mad
I was frustrated and tired
And perhaps it wasn't even because of you
But that fact that you did something
And I wanted to be mad
But I was just hurting
So when I tried to yell
I got choked up
By my own tears
So I stopped yelling
I stopped being hurt
I stopped feeling

And I started to laugh.

I hung up without a warning
Too many people joined
Too many
Too much
It's all too much
I'm feeling overwhelmed
Drained
Frustrated
I don't know why I'm mad at them,
I don't know why I just suddenly left
Well
Because I'm too tired to talk to you
It's too much
It's all
too
much

God, coffee smells delicious

fresh coffee
Straight from the ***
It tastes so good, and--

O U C H ! ! !

It burnt me
But at least it tasted good

He broke up with his girlfriend, I think
"Darling, I miss you,"
Yeah, he broke up with his girlfriend
"But not enough to hurt"
He's getting over her
"And darling, I'm sorry,"
Ah, here it comes
"But now I love her"
Ouch

A sad life
To be the girlfriend
Of a guitarist who nees
Some money

But a fulfilling one
Nonetheless

"Just hang in there!"
No, that cat hanging onto that branch is about to fall
And we all know it's not gonna make it like that
But you're not supposed to teach us
The harsh realities about the world in school

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
But geometry isn't gonna help me save the world
Nothing is
Because I'm a teenager... and you're expecting me to do what?!

"Learn something new today."
I learned a fun new name
That the students have been calling me all around school
That is a brand new thing I learned today

These inspirational posters
Aren't making me feel very inspired

You're breaking my heart
Oh, don't start
with the
"Oh, but where's the what YOU did wrong chart?"

You're hurting my head
At least that's what I said
When you went
"Momma, I don't wanna go to bed."

I feel so ill
And that water bill
Has gone so far up
The bath is so large to have to fill

I feel so sick
And this feeling will stick
Because the pills and the bills
Are too much of a sick trick

There's too many kids
That drunk teenage kiss
Turned into something...
God, I never wanted this

You try and speak
About your home life
And I go, "Yeah, felt that."

*****
Everything
Is always about me
isn't it

It's frustrating
To not be able to speak
It's frustrating
To have accusations thrown at me
It's frustrating
to be told to 'stop pouting'
It's frustrating
that you're frustrated
over every
single
thing

Hello, best friend of nine years

I am so sorry I forgot your name the other day

This paper
Holds only sadness
And so
With my spare time
I'm gonna scribble

All over the newspaper.

I am so tired
And darling, you know I don't want to come over
But you asked me to
But you want me to
And so for you, I will

I am so sick
Of this love thing
I hate it
But you asked me to
You want me to
And for you, I will

I hate all of this
It brings me no joy
But you know
Being around you
Brings me all the joy in the world

I hate this
But if it's with you
I love it

My girl's a princess
Though her mismatched socks
And scraped knees
'Unladylike'

My girls beautiful
Although
I don't yet know
What she looks like

My girl's a dork
And that is the best thing about her
My girl's gorgeous
My girl's perfect

Though, I don't yet know
Anything about her

Let's take this outside
Let's fight it out
Let's both end up
Bruised and ******
While a drunk crowd
Cheers us on

Let's take this to the stars
The world isn't ready
For this fight
And no drunk crowd
Is gonna be drunk enough
To think
That this isn't wrong

My alarm in the morning screeches
And I woke up with a headache
And a strong desire to just
GO BACK TO SLEEP

I came out of my room
Skipped the breakfast
"What's wrong?"
****, I've been caught.

"Just... In my head, I guess."

Listen
You know I love you
I really do
But you're
How do I say this
You're
Well
You're kind of ****** right now, mate.
I think you need to figure your **** out
Before you go to her

So many actions
Could do so much better
Than words or poems
that try
too
hard

It's only a place
It's only a place
It's only a place
"But it was only a place"

"And you weren't here."

I say I hate that word
Does it scare me?
Does it excite me?
Does it entrance me?
What does it make me feel?
And do I actually hate it?

Or perhaps
I haven't found the right person
To hear it from

Why is reciprocation so difficult
You came up to me
With a homemade batch of chocolates
on February Fourteenth
You came up to me
With 3 words that would haunt me
You came up to me
And you were so nice
And I am so sorry
I couldn't
give
that
back.

I check your profile
I write a text
and backspace

And then
When all hope seems lost
I get that beautiful, long-awaited

dot
dot
dot.

I opened my eyes to a deserted highway. Sand was rearranged on the ground by the soft breeze, which caressed my cheek as it went by. The heat wasn’t too hot to bare, but it was enough to make me take off the jacket I always wore and tie it around my waist.

I hopped up on the tailgate of my rusty black truck and swung my feet back and forth. I cranked up the volume of the old radio and hummed along, leaning back and looking at the light blue sky.

A donkey cried to my right and birds cawed all around me. The donkey quieted down and wandered over next to the truck to simply stand there and observe and I sighed, taking a deep breath.

Birds sat calmly on the wires that trailed along the sides of the highway and a tumbleweed flowed by, taken along with the wind.

I came across a smell I was familiar with: Wet dog.

I sat up and looked at the ground of the highway, coming face-to-face with a panting wolf, who’s hair was matted with a mixture of sweat and blood. I stood up and slowly walked to the back door of my truck, making sure to be careful and not scare the wolf away.
I grabbed a pack of hotdogs that I was planning on saving for myself and brought them back to the wolf, the donkey watching both cautiously and curiously. I opened the pack and threw one into the air, the dog catching it with it’s mouth and chewing with it’s mouth wide open.

I glanced over to the donkey and held my hand out for it to come to. It didn’t, of course, but I wasn’t bothered by that. I enjoyed the company. I went back to the back door of my truck, less careful this time.

I got out a sack of apples that I had previously gotten from a store back in the town where I was from, though that town was nowhere to be seen. I brought the sack of the red fruits back to the donkey and laid them at his feet. “You got a name, buddy?”
He didn’t reply. I don’t know what I expected. “How about Jack? That’s cliche enough, right?” He kicked his feet as he chomped on the apples. It was a funny name for a donkey, and it was good enough, too.

I turned my attention back to the wolf. “How about you? You got a name?” The wolf whimpered and begged for more hotdogs, and I obliged, throwing them in his mouth as I did before. “Kato.”
My husky’s name was Kato, so I figured this would be a good way to honor him, in a way. “Your name is Kato.” Kato ignored me and chowed down on the hotdogs.

And I breathed, and I relaxed, and I felt okay. The song on the radio was that of great joy, and the breeze against my skin was oh so calming. Even the donkey cries didn’t bother me, nor the wolf whimpering, nor the eagles cawing. I paid no mind to the loudness of the scene, only to the calmingness of it.
But, like a snake chasing its own tail, I was bound to end up back to where I started.

We grew up believing that no one would ever fall in love with us.
And so, to this day, I let people in too easily.
I let people do as they wish, make me hurt, make me cry...
All because I want people to be pleased with me.

Which is why on Monday, when the sky was crying,
She felt obligated to invite me to her house
And so, on Monday, I was crying,
Because I felt obligated to sneak off, quiet as a mouse.

I didn’t want to go
But I didn’t say no
Because if I said no,
Where would she go?

To this day, I believe in the moon
Because the moon is all I have
The moon is quiet, the moon is calm,
And, like me, the moon is sad.

I told the moon I hated her once,
In anger and in sadness,
And she understood
That my broken heart is like a cactus

I’ll let people in quickly,
And I’ll cry when they’re gone
I’ll cry when everyone leaves
Like when the moon leaves at dawn

But it happens,
It’s alright,
She’ll be back
Again tonight.

A deck, poorly illuminated by the moon up above, shining down and judging me. “Why are you even sad?” Moon asks me. I don’t respond to her. How could I answer that when I don’t even know myself?
The wood is old and creaky, and when I walked out here to sit on this old deck my steps filled the silent night, but the silence quickly followed when I stopped shuffling around. Like a shadow that was always near, the silence. It follows.
I closed my eyes and listened to the wind and crickets. No music, no laughter, just the sounds of the forest behind my old family home. Owls hooted, crickets sang, cicadas cried, and the moon judged. “What do you want?” I asked her, growing annoyed by her watching eyes.
“I just want to observe,” she whispered. “I am intrigued by human emotion.”
“There is nothing to feel intrigued by,” I explained, “It is only pain and grief.”
Moon just sighed at this. I sighed, too. “Untrue,” she started, “I have seen such fantastic emotion. I have seen love, happiness, tranquility-”
“Well you won’t find any of that here,” I cut her off.
She seemed annoyed at this point, like she was sick of my complaining. She looked down on me, but I’m sure she saw way more from up there than just me. “You are foolish for believing that.” She said finally.
“Believing what? The truth? Nothing of interest is-”
“Perhaps not yet.”
I paused at that. I realized she had a point, but I wasn’t sure if I believed in a future of great happiness. I wasn’t sure I believed that I would ever feel anything besides pain. Perhaps I didn’t believe in happy endings at all, but I couldn’t help but hope that she was right. Just a little bit.

Blue and white balloons were tied lazily to cardboard sign with a scribbled on birthday invitation. Kids are squealing playfully in the backyard, chasing each other around. The sun is giving me a headache, but the water from an earlier competition of throwing water balloons makes the wet fabric of my shirt cling to my back, countering the heat.

It smelled like freshly cut grass, a smell I much adored. It was a near calming smell, one that reminded me of the way the street had smelt after the mornings my neighbor woke up early to trim his lawn.

How I hated that water, the water stuck to my skin. It was cold when the wind brushed over it, but hot when the wind left it alone. Couldn’t I just be warm?

All the rest of the kids were playing outside, playing a game of tag, and I sat alone on the front porch. It wasn’t a pretty view, there wasn’t much to look at other then the houses across the street and blue sky behind them.

Everyone was playing happily… And I was listening to music from my “Sad Hours” playlist. Skipping through the ones that were too upbeat whilst the other children were skipping along the grass, kicking dirt up as they went.

It was my sister’s birthday, and yet I didn’t care.

A blobfish is ugly,
A blobfish is gross.
However, a blobfish
Does something no one knows.
Have you seen a blobfish look pretty?
When it’s not stressed?
Because only when its endangered
Does it puff out its chest.

Bound to look over the empty population;
Who **** each other,
Hurt each other…
All for the sake of a sick game
The point of life
Surviving
No matter who you have to hurt in the process.
I am bound to the sky,
Looking over the men,
Who are oh so selfish.

But the bird came back, despite what you say,
Despite your thinking it’s better to go away.
The bird came back, the bird is fine,
It isn’t sore from all that flying,
It was just an adventure, one that was worth the pain,
And what would it be without a little bit of wing-sprain.

Chasing my own tail
Biting the feet that walk to me,
Biting the hand that feeds
Biting the same kind
Biting
Nipping
Always
Hurting
Chasing my own tail
Bound to end up back to where I started.

The walls in here are light blue.
And they feel like they are drowning you,
And I feel like there’s nothing I can do.
To resist being taken under the current, too.
The ceilings in here are white,
And freckled with big lights,
And looking too long might cost you your sight.
The people in here are sad,
And the silence makes me mad,
But I know there’s no conversation,
Worthwhile to be had.

Insert a word, letter, or phrase,
And then delete it just as quick.
God, all this writing stuff
Is starting to make me sick.
What words rhyme with vegetable?
Oh, I do not know…
I have no direction with this poem I wish to go.
With a swish of my wrist
And a flick of my hand
Boom! I’ve made a poem…
That nobody can stand.
Make it, erase it,
God what is the difference
It’s simply not as good
As those with a planned sequence

Jayden, look here.
Put down the beer
Even though you've no courage
To keep someone near
Jayden, look up.
I know that you’re stuck,
And you feel there’s no place,
For you to get luck.
Jayden don’t look back.
Keep going down that track,
And don’t you dare come back.
For you have gone too far
For your heart to start to crack.

I am in a very deep pit
I feel nothing will save me
You say, "it's okay,
I have a lot of rope"
I try to grab it
And wrap it aruond my neck
And you say,
"Don't,
Just grab on."

But I feel much worse
When I'm calling your name
Out of nowhere
When I'm calling to you
And you don't respond
And I grow heavy
And it grows bigger
Feeding off your absence
And I feel
Way
Way
Worse.

God, I've spent so long trying to find the word to describe you
I have tried addictive, but that just wasn't true. Unlike a drug, I don't always have to come back. I could so easily stop... But I just don't want to.
I have tried beautiful, but that would belittle the facade that your pretty little face really is.
And god, you know I've tried wicked. But that is just simply not true. You are so **** amazing... and so **** horrible. But you are not wicked.
And, after all this time, I've found it. The perfect word.
Darling, you are
Intoxicating.

Because I love you,
Wherever you are
And I hope that if you're out there
You're not very far
Because I hate you,
whoever you are
I hate that you
Are so very far
I miss you,
If you even care
Because while I've been here,
You've been there
And there is a reason
For all this pain
All this sadness
And without any gain
Because I want you
Whatever you are
I'm longing for something
I will only find afar

Because I need you
Whoever you are
And I hope you're okay
Not wrecked in a bar

I’m in so much pain right now,
God I feel so drained right now,
I do not know my name right now,
I should have been well-trained by now.

He asked me what is wrong with me, and this was my reply.
“It takes me weeks to finish an assignment, and I do not know why.”
I do not understand why all I seem to know how to do is cry,
I don’t even know why all I have the energy to do is think about how to die.
I don’t understand the way to love, like all those cool kids might,
And I do not have a plan for who I want to lay here by my side.
In a bed I’m trapped and in a bed I’ll forever be forced to reside
For walking tires me and I seem to have lost my confident stride.
You looked a little mad  when you asked me why I cried,
And all I said was, “You know what? I don’t even know why.”
I don’t have an answer to why I so badly want to die.
Because my life is good, this is something I cannot deny.
In school I am happy, I’m just a little shy,
But if you were me, wouldn’t you go about life with a sigh?
My life is average, I’ve barely suffered enough to earn the right to cry,
So all that’s left for me to do is ask the world “Why?”
I have lost all my young confidence, I’m not even close to being spry,
My mother said shut up, and I so sadly did comply.
My room has turned into a sort of depressing pigsty,
With monsters in the corner judging me, saying I’m the bad guy.
With mine a broken wing, I am a butterfly,
Unable to go about life without rules to abide by
Rules that tell me how high I’m allowed to fly,
Or what predators to avoid, they see me as a bull’s eye
So I am sorry if I have no answer as to why,
For I have no reason for you, I only have a lie.
“I am fine.”

I asked my mom to teach me how to play piano.

She’s a prodigy, you know. She could play Beethoven better than the man himself.

She said, “I just took my medicine. As soon as it kicks in, I will come down.” She smiled, and I said okay and went downstairs to wait silently.

2 years later, I’m still waiting, I’m still laying down in my bed, because my mother should be down here soon. My room is messy, but I doubt she’ll be around to care. My blankets are warm, and even if she were to come down I would no longer feel like playing the piano. It is such a pretty instrument, and I do not have any pretty notes to play. How am I supposed to learn without a mother to teach me where to put my hands?

For no reason at all, I feel empty and alone. And I called my mom, but she didn’t pick up, and I called my dad, but he is too sick to spend time with me. I grew up around annoyed friends who were bothered by my clingy and annoying personality. For no reason at all, I grew up loud in class. My teachers and peers all roll their eyes, frustrated. It hurts when they call me annoying, but I play it off as a joke. And it’s funny, it is, but I keep forgetting to tell the punchline.

My mother doesn’t reply to the playful text messages I send her when I’m feeling happy, which is okay. That’s okay. Really, it’s fine. I’ll move on, I will. Which is why I know I shouldn’t be crying while I write about feeling confined to a bedroom that I could easily walk out of, and I would if there was a reason to. But there isn’t.

I thought about this today when I wondered how much I see my mother on a day-to-day basis. The answer I came up with once a day, when she walks through the door. She says hello to her boyfriend, Cameron, and she goes to her room. And I don’t see her for the rest of the day. I’ve no one to help me with my homework, so if I don’t understand it I just take the F and move on. My mom will be disappointed in my grades, but she won’t say anything to me. She’ll just glare at me as she passes by. My mom just… doesn’t talk to me.

Which would be fine, if it didn’t cause me to grow up an attention-seeker with attachment and abandonment issues… I lose more friends that way. I don’t have anyone anymore. I scared all my friends off, and it’s not like my mom is around to help me.
I am still so very excited to go to my manipulative father’s house, only because his lies require him to talk to me more. His apologies require him to spend more time with me.
The importance of an adult figure is commonly disregarded, and it is that neglect that has caused me to feel this empty and alone. Because I am constantly left alone with my very talkative mind, and the thoughts always make me question whether or not I am truly loved.

Am I?

Who knows. I’d ask my mom, but…
I doubt she’d reply.