المحبين التائهين بين الشك و اليقين

Sometimes I wonder why I tend to almost always **** the muse in my head that gets me writing.
I've facing the sun, I've been facing the moon, I've been facing myself, and I tend to almost always avoid fear.
Fear is one of the strongest emotions I feel, and when I feel it it's real.. And by that I realize that I don't want to write because I know want to know the truth behind all the fear I hold in.
So here goes nothing.

I wonder if I'm going to ever be in complete control of my emotions, I wonder if I want to have that as well.
It effects all aspects of my life, I water a flower and if it doesn't grow I get all sorts of emotion, every person I let into my life I cannot imagine ever losing them which is wrong but I feel it anyway, if the ocean is frustrated and the waves show it, I feel it too.. When it's calm I'm calm. I want to own things and this is the hardest part, starting with myself to everything I love deeply.. I have wronged myself letting my emotions take control. I cannot feel this heavy anymore, I'm too old for this but I also refuse to never feel again. What is the Grey area? I'll learn to accept it and love this color instead of black or white.

Take a peek, is it good enough?
Do you know what you want?
Would you rather choose for it to be chosen for you?
Do you know what you want?
Do they know what you want?
Does anyone?
Do you?

There will always be a knock
there's always a new stranger to knock
for a conversation
for a glimpse of your brain
for comfort
for a safe place
for reassurance
for a deal
for your heart maybe..?
but not all of them is love sober
some will knock to find what they've lost
for someone like her
for an exchange of fake feelings
for fake druken words
for a touch of lust
for a distraction of their mind with yours
for visions your brain might not have the colors of
for one stroke on your strings, of a song they've played before but is completely new to you.. you might be intrigued, but you shouldn't be
I've been knocked
knocked at
knocked for
knocked out
but I never let just anyone in.. Or do I?
Once upon a new constellation in the sky, in a new side on the moon I've never seen, a new shade of black when staring directly into the sun, that has always been blue and purple..
I walk to the door to knock, and there you were already knocking.. I've been hearing these church bells for a year now, I've been feeling my heartbeat sing along to it, a different knock, a sober knock, a new knock that I couldn't resist opening the door for, hell I opened all the doors and all the windows for, I opened my heart, I kept my mind open, I was completely and utterly open and I sang along.
But I knew it was bad, I felt fear and fear and whole lotta fear, but nothing could stop me because you're here with me and you are singing along, you were singing along..
Where did I go wrong? I keep forgetting people can have a change of heart, they change their mind, everything changes in a short period of time and it makes my lungs so tight and my knees weak.. because it's never my change of heart. It's never me. I don't know what the **** is wrong with me but I know that it's time for me to knock on other doors.. because I am not accepting new visitors
I'm knocking on a door..
for love that I know doesn't exist
for reassurance
for sweet little lies that makes me smile
for the final exam of all the lessons I learned

Overflowing flame, November has always held spontaneous mountains for me, above me.
Sinking with the drain, holding on to what I claim is mine, bigger loneliness comes from that.
I told you my true name, but I say it once.
I can paint pictures, I can burn half of the world with my mouth, but only if I used the right words.. which is never my strongest suit.
Your hands slip from mine, you fold them and go to sleep, I fall asleep with. We’re not in the same dream anymore. I’m still doubting life and if this is one of life’s jokes on me.
The wind is heading my way, it passes your wrong thoughts to mine and mine to the trees.
Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.
Am I an accessory or am I a segment of your imagination? Maybe we’re an idea.

يكويني تكونك فكوني كوني
الا في تكونك يكتمل تكوني

Flipping through the pages ignorantly, walking out of everything before it walks out on me, before it rips me open.
I walk, I run but I seem to be doing it on circles
Collecting what's left of me to find a way out of the circle.
All the voices are repeating what is said in order
LEARN YOUR ******* LESSON
And I'll leave the circle?
People are people
it's endless
endless is a circle

Falling under the pressure of sanity, I let go
Crawling back to myself, insanely comfortable
How to not drown? **** learning how to swim, avoid water
Don't get burned either burning hurts as much
I've been burnt underwater and let me tell you
It stays with you forever
It shows sometimes
sometimes it's you

I've reached a door after twenty-three years that I apparently can't walk into unless alone, as foolish as I always am.. I decided I'd never let go of my loved ones and lost that last piece of me behind that door and stayed here. Lost, confused as ****, loved but not like I should be loved, communicating when I don't even believe in the word or the magic of that action, but at least with my loved ones.. Eh?


Oh well, if any of you people are reading this behind the door, did I miss it? was it wrong that I quit it? I know it was a mistake, I knew it while I was walking the opposite direction from it as well. I said all the stupid things I'm supposed to say but only when it "felt right" well, nothing feels right. But at least I'm with my loved ones, yeah?


I lay in bed in mornings and for hours at midnight, I walk the roads to everything alone my heart can't stop feeling this sort of unbearable feeling and I think it's trying to tell me something that I still can't figure out or most probably in complete denial about, I eat the food I'm supposed to eat, I hydrate, I walk as much as I can, I stopped listening to blues and only listened to what made my heart race, I've watched my cat give birth to the most beautiful six kittens ever existed, I sit with my mother until she's out of talks, I take long therapeutic baths and treat myself right.. from time to time.. but my heart is still feeling the same way, almost nothing but that feeling, and relates to nothing but that unbearable feeling.  So.. I decided I'd try and talk to my loved ones, my darlings, my whole life which is the reason I chose them over myself and it goes like this:
My sister, my guardian angel: "You should go have a full checkup."
My best friend: "Same"
My loved one: "..."
And I knock the door
Once
Twice
But I stand here alone
hours in the morning, hours at night
roaming all the roads
staring at every wall built
the sky, clouds and the sun
alone
but thinking about my loved ones

I’ve realized that I’m being more vague by the day which leads to being more misunderstood but for the first time, I don’t try not to be..
I can go silent for days, but only if I wanted to.
I cannot confess what’s real
I cannot not think of you in every step of this
I can shush my brain and let go for once
I can pretend you never existed
I sleep away reality
I am using your methods
And now I know how it is
I still don’t understand where you come from
I can let go of a lover but I can never let go of a friend, I’m sorry I wasn’t yours as you were mine, I’m sorry I thought of you differently

يقولون صبرٌ جميلٌ
صبرت و سوف اصبر
يقولون الصبر مفتاح الفرج
صبرت و لا زلت اصبر
أمطرت صبرا
شربت فنجاناً من الصبر
غرقت ببحر من الصبر
نمت و ما أيقظني الا الصبر
وجده يعدد لي ههمومي و يقول لي انا حلولها
صبر جميل؟
نفاذ صبري لا يرى الجمال
ولا فنجاني يقرأ لي حروفه
اني اغرق بوعود الصبر الكاذبة
سأجد بقعةً دافئةً تواسيني
فالصبر مجرد وهم
كذبة اشبعتني دقّاً على كتفي
و اكْتفيت بها لسنين
فهي ليست لي الان
لا ارى كلمة تواسيني
ولا سحابة تمطر
فبدل الصبر و الحروف الهائمة
سوف أخطو خطواتِ العمى

The End

I might be out of words when it comes to you, welcome me into the world of nothingness.

I'm writing this just in case you're reading
Which I know you will
You're fading away like a moon when a sunrise
You're the reason I stopped writing
Keep yourself company
The thought of us is enough
I'm giving the fading moon my back
Sunrise is prettier

I wash my hands seventy five times trying to get rid of your invisible fingerprints on my hands, I walk hundreds of miles trying to beat the record of walking the path to reach at least a thought from your head, a glimpse of your imperfection, but I fail miserably.