when i confessed to my mother the sins i had unleashed onto my own skin,
the zigzag scars crisscrossing my milky white thighs
as we sat on the couch sipping tea
i have many regrets of the things i repressed,
and my answers to the questions she asked

when we sat crying on the couch that first night,
i wish i'd said,
"i'm so depressed that everything takes up too much energy,
even breathing."
instead of,
"i just feel really overwhelmed."
maybe then, she wouldn't have decided that the road to recovery needed only a math tutor
and a 24-hour suicide watch

when she asked me, gently
if we should tell my grandmother
i wish i'd said,
"no, because she's always been part of the problem."
instead of nodding my head yes,
even while my eyes screamed the word no

when she forced me to go to therapy,
and asked me if it was helping
i wish i'd said,
"no. i'm broken so irreparably that a kind hearted, naive woman could not begin to put the pieces back together."
instead of,
"yeah, mom. she's nice."
as i started to dread the thursday afternoons spent sitting on her couch, trying to distract both her and myself
from the manic depressive elephant in the room

it's midnight, and i'm all alone
usually i'm fine being on my own
but thoughts of you seem to plague my mind
memories from before you are hard to find
because you have completely enraptured my brain
how is it that you are cause of my joy and the cause of my pain?

it's 1 am, and i'm by myself
i think that i was injured when i fell
i fell for you, and all your glory
won't you please tell me one last story?
just one more word before i drive myself mad
how is it that you can make me both happy and sad?

it's two am, and i'm terrified
your image has unleashed the demon inside
i know you don't love me, but neither do i
all of my unrequited feelings make me want to die
and my love for you has gone way too far
how is it that something so beautiful could leave such a scar?

it's three am, and i'm almost gone
all that's left of me is the sound of your favorite song
i've become such a beast for your love
preying on you like a hawk preys on a dove
but it's my body, not yours,  that i attack
how is it that no matter how much i love you, you won't love me back?

it's four am, and i'm merely a ghost
i'm at your mercy, tied to your whipping post
not the drink nor the blade nor the lighter can heal
nothing can change the fact that love for you is all that i can feel
i think of nothing but you as i lay still in my bed
how is it that something as brilliant as love could make someone dead?

it's six am, and it's time for me to wake
but my mother finds i won't move no matter how much she shakes
i've been found surrounded by blood in my eternal sleep
the love that i felt for you ran way too deep
so i tried to cut it out by shredding my veins
how is it that love could cause so much pain?

We never say, "I love you."
The words always get stuck somewhere between our hearts and our tongues. Forcing us to swallow our affection, and replace the phrases that seem so hard to say with words that are much easier to get out.

Instead of "I miss you." we say "*******."
The distance makes us distraught, as we toss knives at the one person we never want to push away.

Instead of "I trust you." we ask each other to check our phones, because there's nothing on there I don't want her to see.

Instead of "I need you." we look at colleges together.
The idea of leaving each other is so implausible that we spend our time designing our future apartment. Each draft has one shared detail- a wooden bunk bed, so we can fall asleep to the sound of the other's breathing, the reassurance that we  will never have to be alone. The reassurance that I will never have to live without my other half.

We never say, "I love you."
We do not need to.
We say it with every sarcastic comment, every inside joke, shared memory, favorite song, every inhale, and every exhale.

I miss you.
I trust you.
I need you.

We never say, "I love you."
Either that, or we never stop saying it.

keeping secrets, telling lies
hiding behind this disguise.
nobody knows, i steal and sneak
wouldn't you love to take a peek,
at the private life that i lead?
i want a lot, but it's you i need.

i wish i could tell you, what is and isn't true;
i know that i have to, but i hate to lie to you.
you are the one with whom i share all of my deepest fears,
and you are the one who i want to wipe away my falling tears.
of all the friends i've had, you're the one i want to keep,
and it's only you that can put my anxious mind to sleep.
so i'll man up, and take any punch they throw
just for the chance to tell you what i want you to know.

in my dreams, i am a warrior
dueling with ghouls in my sleep
i fence with the demons and conquer the beasts
i am strong
i am fair
i'm complete

but waking up is a whole different story
my body seizes with fear
real life villains are harder to battle
and real life wounds much harder to feel
for there are demons and beasts in my own life
though they're not the ones in my closet
they're the ones in my soul screaming to get out
changing my feelings,making me doubt

they exist in the minds of the angry
and the men who teach our boys hate
they hide around corners and houses
taking kids far away from this place

then there are the ones in the dark
telling me i don't know my own heart
girls are nothing but playthings
their sick and demented dreamlings

so it's easier to stay safe asleep
cloaked in the warmth of my bed
because then i can be a warrior
even if it's all in my head

you don't even see me
you look right through
you've made up your mind
about what i'm going to do
i have no choice
you don't hear my voice
you decide it's a lie
and can't hear me cry
there's so many things
that i can't tell you
you ask me to speak
then condemn me when i do
your secretive ways
taught me that lying pays
and i'm learning to deceive
as you're yearning to receive
the secrets that i keep
the lies that i tell
the truth that you seek
and the way that i fell
you don't even care
so leave me alone
i'll whisper a prayer
and dive into the unknown