hi
my soul spills onto the countertop into this cup of tea
trembling i reach out my hand to you
"i made you tea"
you already have tea steaming on the desk next to a frantic stack of paperwork
ill pull back my hand and leave the thick silence to draw in a sharp breath
this does not count as an act of kindness to you because it wasnt fully executed, and you will not remember it.

you say mental illness is a big deal until
i am sitting surrounded by trash in my car because its the only place i feel safe
until
i am crying when i wake up because i don't want to wake up
until
i am searching through pictures trying to find a scrap of light
until
i am sitting on the bathroom floor drinking the half empty beer i found in the recycling
until
i get attached to the drawings on my legs and cry when they go away
until
my plants all die because i cant water them
until
my pets die because i cant feed them
until
i starve myself on accident
until
my room has to be heavy or i cant breathe
until
i block everyone on my contacts list because i feel like they are watching me
until
i cant run anymore
until
i cant walk anymore
until
there is nothing left but you still want more

i said
"isn't it funny that walnuts are good for your brain and they look like brains"
and you said "you're ******* r*tarted"

my mom
looks at me with disgust because i am not
what she remembers me to be
she is so confused because "she knows me"
but she hasn't asked me my favorite color since I was in kindergarten.
I am giving my everything but really i'm not.
i'm doing all I can but really I'm not.
you told me to stop lying but when I did you were even more angry
i can't keep living half alive
but I want to and its addicting to not do what you are capable of
you were mad at me when i didn't win the award that they give to one student out of five hundred kids for being the nicest
you tried to smile but disappointment contorted your face and our eyes locked in silence
i looked away
i'm trying not to let you manipulate me but i genuinly don't know if you love me or just what I produce
and if thats the case im sorry for producing below average
but i'm so sick of being scared of you
i'm so sick of being so consumed by fear that when you walk down the hall i dread your face

*****
i swear to god iff i beleived in god then i would sin until i was destroyed
honestly it would be refreshing in torment
mind games pisces skin ppulling fingers falling off toe splitting ice mouth
hell doesnt have **** on depreession
cuz its comfy in my room but i have to clean it and then its devoid of anything and im picking up the scraps of mess and trying to piece back together the sinking
pulling up the floorboards to wrap myself in because i feel so naked without the clothes strewn across the floor
the layer of dirt on my skin and grease on my hair is the only thing sheliding me from shooting myself in the head and then making it look like a ******
ppl would b trying to figure it out id b watching like **** smirks that was kinda sly ngl
anwyways i would never d o that lol

and when you said
laughter is like a foreign language
i imagined that i was
teaching you how to
speak it