Our moment passed with the season.
With fall, came the cold distance
We feared would engulf
The ideas we had built together.

You were my life post nuclear.
That tongue bite smile that you
Only ever shared when
The sun came up is a distant memory.

After my recent brush with death
In the form of a tall blonde
Who instantly made me regret
Building a home in another,

I thought the ground work
We laid would have been solid
Enough to weather any storm
Life could throw at us.

But you can never prepare for the storm
That bellows in your soul.
Because when that one finally starts
It doesn't matter the ground work
If the walls aren't sturdy enough.

I loved you as I had only ever loved her.
More so in fact because
When I was with you
I smiled.

More importantly I meant it.

And should the day come where
You feel as though the walls
Can be reinforced against the future.
You know where to find me.

Optimism means looking at the dark
And seeing a brighter side.
Looking for a better outcome
From the waste that has been my life.

When I woke up that day
And told myself that I had
Had enough of the dark,
That I would venture into
The light with dignity.
I did so under false pretense.

Much like I do with everything.
I thought that I could shed this outer layer
Of filth and decay and become new.
But that is not the nature of dark things.
All I did was burn every *******
Bridge I had ever built.

But hey, it gets better right?

My first words to you
Were about a card game:
I called you a loser.
Had I known you would
Become more than family
To me, I would have worded
Things differently.

You came into my life
Right after the exodus of
Masquerade excuses
I considered friends.
When I felt like nobody
Could ever fulfill that bond.

But you opened me up to
New ways of thinking and
Guided me along my journey.
You shaped me into the person
I am today.

I can never repay that kindness
But hopefully after another
Ten years I can figure it out.
You taught me that soul mates
Could be my brother.

And I know that when I go dark.
Or stray from my path;
You'll always be there where the roads
Rejoin.
I couldn't thank you enough for that.

We would stay up for hours
Fingers and lips intertwined,
Dancing to our own rythym.

Talking of church bells and diamonds
Like the one on your finger.

White dresses and vows
In front of family and friends.
Promising eternity to one another.
Forever.

Forever sure is ******* short.

I try to live my life
Like a eulogy.
Every action I make
A part of a well-oiled machine.

My words the cogs
Slowly turning over
Your tongue like a symphony
Of memories stained into
Your frontal lobe.

Because on the bad days,
Knowing that I mattered
To you makes it harder
To sink any deeper

And if one day,
I unzip my veins in the bathtub
Or fly from the ceiling
And explode into chaos
On the concrete,
Know that you mattered.

When asked of my worth,
My general response was usually
Something along the lines
Of a used napkin.

I was never taught the value
Of a human life, so you can
See why my opinion of myself
Is low regard.

When I looked in the mirror,
I didn't see someone worthy
To share the sidewalk with my friends
When we walked to the store.

I didn't see that under the
Broken surface was a beautiful
Ruin waiting to be discovered
And restored to its former glory.

I didn't watch my laugh
Echo across rooms so loud
That others had to turn and
See who was deafening the audience.

I didn't see that my thoughts
On paper in the form
Of written word were
Making a difference.

I didn't know that I was making a difference.

I never talk much about
The good things from my
Childhood. Not because
They never existed,
But because the bad
Just outweighed it.
I remember the trips
Home when we would
Stop at that roadside diner
Somewhere in Indiana.
Not that it was important for any
Reason other than their pancakes.
I remember having to share
With my siblings because
You only ever kept 50 dollars
On you for emergencies.
That memory stays with me
Because it's the only time
I remember you smiling.

Your name will be
An incurable stain on my soul
Forever.

Regardless of the strides
I take to move past it.
You always happened.

I will never escape you.
One day I will accept that.

When you think of weddings
You should smile
Because its the pairing
Of two souls destined for each other.

When you think of the ceremony
You imagine her smiling as
She walks toward her lover
Ready to start a new life.

But her lips were tight today.
She walked like a toy soldier
On the front lines of a losing war
She knew was pointless.

Her usual smile that starts
From the outside in was a taught line.
Her eyes were pale grey
Instead of the usual shade of Atlantic.

There are no smiles here.
This isnt a happy ending
Where we get what we want
But a horror story.

I am not cut from the same branch
But from a different tree entirely.

My tree is brittle and covered
With the tracks of termites
And dry rot.

I will never be able to hold up the collective or even your branch
Laying gently across mine.

I do not care that this is how we grew.
Naturally or by universal truth,
It does not matter.

I'm only here because I am.

I forgot what it
Could be like
To just lay next to
Someone and smile.

Or that the presence
Of another person
Wasn't always
A razor's edge;

But something comfortable
You can look forward to.

I am the literal definition
Of a complete and total disatser.
I stop breathing when
My books are out of place
On the shelves, or if I
Describe the wrong green
In a story.

I like to imagine the world
As a board game. Each decision
Leading me a space closer to when
My soul can rest and the past
No longer echoes in my ears.

Sometimes I trip over
Words and fall on my own
Tongue when I try to express
Myself as if I were the corner
Of the carpet in a dark room.

Other times Im manic.
And I will laugh like I belong
In an asylum because the words
On my heart will be too hard
To encompass with just a few sentences.

You my dear;
You bring all the chaos
In my head to a standstill.
You bear witness to the dark
And offer whatever light
You can to see a smile pressed into
My lips.

My mind never stops.
Always tossing me with the tide
Hoping somewhere I will
Find a direction worth following
All the way to the
End game.
Maybe I have finally figured out
How to get there.

I count every step between
My past and the present.
Wondering if the road less travelled
Can finally bring me rest.

Rest--

If you could even
Call it that.
My tossing and turning
Borderline convulsions.

Bad decisions cant
Close the distance

So I dont turn to the bottle
In fears that Ill drown
In a silver *** sea

I guess it all comes down to
Sink or swim?
Can I hold myself a float
For another hundred steps?

If looks could ****,
I would have buried a hatchet
In your neck, and watched
As the life left your
Cold eyes, and your wretched
Heart stopped beating
And your abusive grasp went limp
And you crumpled
To the floor as lifeless
As you left me.

The idea that love exists
For people like me
Is down right unfortunate.
I'm sorry. I won't try again.

These are the eyes
Of a hollow man;
They hold no luster
No precious stone.

Whatever soul they lead to,
Has gone away
With no hint
Of return.

Those eyes were
That of a child
Who couldn't wait
To grow up.

I can't pretend like I don't miss you.
Not really.

My distrust for others
was a learned trait.
I wish that it was easier for me
to accept the fact
that people will always surprise you;
even if the gift they give you is loneliness.
It's my own fault though.
I am constantly calculating
how each decision I make
will ripple in the lives of others.
Often I find myself alone
amidst my own thoughts and quiet reflections
in the dark.
The world is full of risk takers.
People willing to put their all
into the idea that happiness
exists in all of us.
Well, not in me.
I perceive the world in rainbows of grey.
I see the lines as a muddled mess,
reminiscent of a tangled ball of string.
If only I knew which thread would untangle
the frayed misery in my head.
But most days that task seems useless.

Oh baby,
Bring on that fire
I see in your eyes
When you talk about
Your passions.

Let me feel the thunder
In your chest with my
Fingertips.

Quake under the weight
Of my presence.

Darling,
When I press my lips
To your shoulders,
Its like shattering glass
On my nerve endings.

Its like symmetry;
When our bodies are
Playing bass drums
And creating a tune
For eternity.

Because when Im with you,
Time is only the
Instance in which
We forget ourselves.

Sweetheart,
You leave something
Unobtainable inside of me
When you go home
For the night.

I have never longed
For contact before.
For the embrace of anything
But exsistence.
But *******.

When you bring the fire,
There is nothing that
Quite sums up how desolate
I am when you're gone.

This is the darkness
I have preached that no one
Wants to see.
This almost mirror image of
Myself scratching away at you.

I find myself wondering if
My warnings fell on deaf ears
When I spoke. Or did you even listen?
Well, you asked for it.

Bear witness because
Nothing anyone will ever do
Will make me happy.

It's been a year since it happened.
When it did, I told myself
that every action I made from then on
would be for the better.
But clearly hindsight is 20/20.
I keep letting your horrible decisions
control my life, and even though
the pain is gone,
You still manage to ruin my life.
One of these days though...

I hope that wherever you are,
You are reading this and remembering
How it felt to be beside me.

Because I can barely remeber
The way your skin tensed under
My fingers. Or how when
The breeze from the open window
Blew through your hair
The aroma of your shampoo
Filled the room.

I dont remember what it was like
To wake up to your voice.
You know, the one I compared
To all the beautiful things
Ive ever known?
I cant remember what it felt like
To hear you tell me you loved
Me for the first time
At that show.

Its been a long time since you
Graced me
With a phone call.
But honestly I cant remember
What I would say if you did.

"Your writing makes me want to die"
If you weren't aware,
-Mainly because it is impossible
For matter to occupy the same space-
You would understand the
Intention.

My writing is a port city.
A place where I come to trade
All the god ****** darkness
I struggle with into something
Beautiful.

I wont apologize for the words
I speak painting a grim picture
Your glassy eyes don't want to see.

It's really hard to talk to you.
Like eggshell shaped razor blades
Against the bare soles of my shoes
Which are only worn from
Chasing your attention.

The value of a rope
Can be measured in memories.

The tire swing, hung from an
Unmoving oak tree.

The ripchord from your
First parachuting experience.

The rope bound around your
Lovers hands on your wedding day.

Or the one around your neck
As you take your final breath.

I never said all memories
Would be good.

I can recall many moments
In life where point B
Was so far from the beginning
That it felt like whiplash.

Because a moment in your eyes
Is the guard rail
Holding me from the edge
But I crave the momentum
From the other side like an addiction.

Because over there
I can play your body like a bass drum.
I can play ecstacy
On your heartstrings if we only
Crashed tonight.

Darling I promise if you let
Your darkness out for only a second
It would meet me at the guardrail
For a moment in paradise.

I would sink my teeth into your soul
And tear your insecurities loose.
I would show you the dangers
In asking for this depravity.

Nothing good will come of this.
Yet you will never feel satisfaction
Like that again without me.

2016 sure turned a lot of us into warriors didn't it?

At some point
I decided to unpack
That last box.
The one I told myself
To open only
When I found a place
To call home.

And I think that
It should have remained
Unopened because
Nowhere will ever really
Be my home.
This place was a saftey net
From my darkness.
But I guess Ill pack that box back up.

Roses defend themselves
With razor tipped thorns.
Keeping anyone who wishes
To hold them close at bay.
What a perfect metaphor.
I thought maybe I could handle
A little blood if it meant I could
Keep this beauty for myself.
But maybe I shouldn't
Have dived head first into the bush.
Roses are meant to be
Cherished at a distance.
I only wish I had
This epiphany sooner.

Another drag on a cigarette --
Thats what days are to me.
Just another moment closer
To expiration.

I could hit the bottle,
But i know all too well
How hard the bottle
Hits back.

I am waiting
For my life to come into focus
But all it ever seems
Is ******* distorted.

Why am I alone
When everyone I love
Is here?
They are present

But i am an outsider.
I am standing on the side lines
While everyone else
Lives their lives.

I am a prisoner
To my own design.

Who knew lines across
Your skin could render me
So useless

My hands now bear
Your blood
And that will never wash away

I didnt know my words
Would be razors that
Sliced into your soul

Now however
Ill take that razor
To myself

And cut those words
From exsistence
Before I hurt anyone else

I count the miles
Between us like seconds.
Because every minute away
From you feels like
Days passing by
In a haze.
And though I never meant
To love you
I count it as a blessing.

It is remembering
The love with alterior
Motives that changed
My perspective.

It is the loud moments
Of my parents
Replacing any good
In their souls

Hell is not a place
I go to when I die
But a way of life
I did not choose.

It is in her smile
From a thousand miles
Between us.

It is in the darkness
In my own head
That I will never
Escape.

I have come to know hell
In many ways,
It is a part of my past.

So I will bear it
Like a scar
Until I no longer
Feel the weight.

If I could apologize
For seeing the sunlight
In your eyes
I would.

I remember going
To church on Sundays
With a hole in my stomach
Where god should be.