I think it was the way
Your hair fell across my lap
As you slept.

Or maybe it was the way
I watched your eyes light the room
As you looked for me.

Or it could have been the smile
On your face the first time
I awkwardly kissed you.

Maybe it's the way your
Hands trace love notes into
My arm when you want my attention.

Whatever the moment,
I knew you were the one
From the beginning of it.

And even though I know
The exact moment that I had to
Choose you,

Every moment since has been
A subtle reminder
That it was a risk worth taking.

I am the running child.
Running. Always running far from love,
Far from emotion or attachment
Running till I could self-destruct.

Until I met you.

I never considered meeting you would save my soul.
That one moment with you could make me so euphoric,
That not even hell on earth could drag me down.

And believe me, I have come to know hell.
I stare at the devil in every empty bottle,
and at the end of every cigarette.

Its almost surrealism: Like a dream left unfulfilled for years,
Finally shown with focus and careful attention.
Like the aging of time pieces left in the sand
I patiently stare past the brass and tarnish
And see you as you really are.

All those years ago, I fell.
I defied my own heart that told me not to love -- and I did.
But fear got the better at the end and I lived up to my title of running child.
Always running from safety and stability
Into the cold abyss, leaving you stranded in my wake.

But you still waited.
Until I ran back to you.

And who could have guessed that you would bring rest
To my porcelain heart and calloused soles
Though sometimes I want to run;
Your love seems to do wonders, like an anchor.
Making me realize I should have come home to you
Long before now.

Broken statues.
Crumbling remnants of past lives.
The bodies of the fallen,
With pain behind their eyes.

False facades.
The plaster over skin,
Humanity tries to cover up
and hide from the hurt within.

Beautiful masonry.
The statues we create,
around the world, around ourselves
desperate to escape our fate.

Simply breathless.
Stone and plaster strangle,
Fighting to break the bonds
Against the devils angle.

Listless sleep.
Death has surely come,
Reaping forgotten souls
Humanity falters, until his deed is done.

I have always considered
Myelf a dead thing.
Or at least in some form,
Close to my expiration.

I don't feel this way to be
Edgy or draw attentions
To my sufferings,
I just feel it.

I feel a lot of things though,
Kind of like the washing
Machines in laundry mats:
Stagnant and worn but with purpose;

Used soley to cleanse other
People of their miseries
And add another layer of
Decay in my basin.

But meeting you was like,
The mechanic coming right before
The final stretch, before all
Of my insides finally gave out.

Mending the wires and veins
So frayed from use with only
Your softness, your fingers
Caressing away years of age

To see fresh metal underneath.
You cleaned the cogs and bones
Of their filth and reminded me
That I am not broken.

And though I could think
Of nothing better to equate
The effect you have on me
To anything other than a

Broken washing machine,
Know that you played a part
In keeping me going for
A little while longer.

I have had to learn
A few lessons to get here.
Suffered beyond my means
At the hands of people
Who never deserved to hold
My light in their hands.

And in the aftermath when
My Dark comes knocking,
I try to remember that
Greener grass is just ahead.

Had I known that greener
Meant the color of your eyes
When you smiled,
I would have run barefoot
Over broken glass to get here quicker.

Not that I know where here is,
Or if this is the final destination;
But you pick the words
From the tip of my tongue
And make them sound like music.

You are a warrior.
I saw it in the way you sized me up
While we talked away sunsets.
You wear your battle scars like
The beautiful banners they are.

Darling,
You leave me star eyed.

Every facet of your personality
A gentle reminder that
I am not alone.
That the Dark isn't a deity
Capable of swallowing me whole.
But something I can over come
With your words.

The grass looks greener
Where we are headed.
Even if we wander through a mine field
And end up walking away
Missing pieces ourselves
In each other,

I won't give up till we can touch
Every single blade of grass
With the tips of our toes
As we dance to each others war songs.

I have said it before.
Walking through my mind is deadly;
With an ever widening
Crevice that describes my
Pshycological state better now
Than it would have the last time.

The burden I carry pulling me
Closer to an ending to a book
I had no hand in writing.
It's as if the pages guiding me
Were written with only a sense
Of self hatred.

The world is dark sometimes.
And there are more than a few battle scars
Across my face, they are there
For a purpose.
A reminder that I made it
When I didn't think I wanted to.

You ignite something in me-
Like a car bomb-
The message is clear:
The battle is over.
It's time to lick my wounds
And carry on.

I only hope that you see what
I go through to be the light
You see in me.
I hope you understand that I won't
Always be the light
You need me to be.

But regardless of what
The future holds.
You need to know that I will always
Carry on.
Even when the road widens
Past it's breaking point-

And my psyche feels like
An expanse that even I couldn't travel
You will be beside me.
Which is the first bit of comfort
I have found in another human
In a long time.

"Why are you like this?"

I remember the exact moment
I cut our fate string and stepped
Off the path.
I remember the talk on the bridge,
Feet from where our future
Almost ended and lied to you.

I wanted to take on all the hatred
I could. I wanted the world to hate
Us the way I did
As a form of punishment.
Because what had we ever done
With my life to deserve any of them.

I put out the light all on my own.
We have no one to blame but ourselves
For this non-existence.

"If you could go back, would you do it again?"

If time travel were possible,
I would go back and push you
Off that bridge just so that I never hurt
The people who make all of this suffering
Worthwhile.

"If all this suffering was worthwhile, then why push everyone who has ever loved you past arms length? Why the hell would you choose this type of suffering over the love that could have been? What kind of person does that?"

Sometimes you have to become a villain. The light we carried was almost out
And I acted in what I thoughts our best interest.
Had I known that at the end of the day
It would be just us watching the ruins
Of our world smolder in the wake
Of my mistakes,
I would have chose differently.

I look at the four walls
That surround me.
Day in and day out.
They are all the same
Shade of tin.
Kind of like a box,
Where you buried your
Dreams for the future
And told yourself you
Would dig it up
Ten years later and see
How close you are.
The big difference between
That box and the one I currently
Reside in however, is the window.
A metaphorical one to be clear;
In that box buried in the ages
Was a window to a world
Where I meant something.
To myself mostly.
The important thing to take away
From this is that of all the dreams
You will ever have will never
Amount to anything
If you never step out of the box.

Sometimes,
When you least expect
The universe to show you
Any kindness-

Something wonderful comes along
Like fireworks, or your food
Tasting exactly like what's in front of you.
Instead of potatoes.

And I know you understand
The reference because everyone
Has those days where the dark
Only seems short of
Unbearable.

But today is the first day
That the sun didn't blister when
I walked in its presence.

Today is the first day
I didn't wake up tired
Of breathing to the rhythm
Of depressions broken drum.

The music of a new start
Is the only thing beating
Against my ear drums
As the light passes my surface.

I know that nothing in life is forever.
And like the earth on its axis,
The darkness will return.
But until then - I will live
And revel in the sun.

You are still the epitome of dark.
I know that I have watched you
Change into at least the image
Of your formal self.

What you fail to realize however,
Is that growth doesn't always mean good.
Thistles for instance just grow more jagged.

I don't mean to chastise you.
Your efforts are not in vain.
I see you piecing your shattered
Psyche back together.

I still sleep with one eye open
Waiting for the door to swing.
Abuse is not a short term problem.
And I bare the scars to prove it.

I have unfortunately been broken,
Though I am certain that
has been an over played card;
It still happened.
Over and over again.

Love became a myth.
Family became war.
Friends broke my heart,
and even though the fire
in my heart almost went out:
It didn't.

That was two years ago,
when I was only an after image
of life experience that belonged
to everyone but me.
So I decided to live.

Maybe not the right way at first.
Maybe the fear and loathing in my own heart
led me away from everything that ever mattered
so that I could remember why they mattered
in the first place.

I remember walking across
the bridge with my best friend.
Sending cryptic messages
that change was coming.
I don't think he understood what I meant
that cool evening.

I started my journey into myself alone.
Many times down the path I thought I wouldn't make it.
But at the end of everything, I have come to understand
Myself and my existence. I even made friends.
Though the journey is far from over,
The miles ahead will be on new soles.
Maybe even a new soul.

Because it's only after you lose everything
that you begin to appreciate what is given.
This is progress.

It's been a long time
Since we talked.
And even though I am certain
This will never fall upon
Your porcelain ears,
I need to say this anyway.

I have never loved anyone
The way my heart burst
From my chest at only
The mention of your name.
And sometimes I feel like
There isn't another name
I could love.

You knew the battlefield
I was raised on.
You saw first hand the
Wasteland and chose to love me
When I couldn't even love myself.

The nights when the darkness
Swelled inside me and I shattered
Like glass against pavement.
You held me tight and made
Me feel like I could lay roots
In your arms.

Had I realized sooner that you
Were a porcelain painted hatchet
With only the intention of tearing MY
Roots from MY sanity,
I could have grown harder bark.

You decided to chase another
Man's affection while still holding
So tightly to mine.
I wish you could have been honest
And let me free the right way.

You made me into a villain instead.
A nuclear wasteland of your bad
Decisions and scorned my name
In your history books as 'a toxic tragedy'

I no longer ache
When your name comes up
In conversation.
I even talk to your best friends
Regularly.

This will be the last time I write to you.
And I hope from the bottom of my heart
That you find whatever you need
To be happy.

I only wish you would have known
My heart well enough to know that
I would have let you go if you only asked.

I see the cracks in
your porcelain skin.
You're frail figure
Swaying under the weight
Of things.

I remember when
We were younger
And the only worry we had
Was our curfews.
What happened?

Sadness should not equal
Blood.
Or loss of life,
Because the gravity in that
Is enough to **** us both.

Consider me your sentinel.
Silently watching and loving
From a distance in order to keep you
Safe.

Always remember my love,
I'm always here
When you need me.

I can't help but
hit the bottle tonight,
And think of a love
I let slip through my fingers.

With every drink
I wander further and further
Down the rabbit hole.
Till I'm gone.

The demons whisper to me:
Telling me how much
I don't deserve her
And that I'll never be happy.

I feel like the white rabbit.
Running too fast
To realize what
I've given up.

Now I'm sitting
Gazing at the red queens court
And watching some prince
Take my lovers hand.

The one I love is dancing
Across my eyelids.
Red satin flowing like
Rivers of my blood.

But she isn't dancing with me..

The first thing I say to a woman
Is I love you. Not because I mean
It in the literal sense,
But because from that moment on
Its the stupidest thing
She will ever witness me do.

I have to be vigilant,
Never letting my darkness
Shine through so I don't appear
Broken. That I might be worth
A moment in her presence
If I am whole.

But Im not.
I brandish my darkness like a trophy.
Because wether or not I like it,
Is apart of me that will always
Be my defining feature.

Considsering I also
Look for love on tinder,
I wouldn't take my words
For more than face value.

The principle that
Everything has a cause -

If I have a purpose:
A cause worth believing
In every day when I wake
I haven't discovered it yet.

Many times in my life
I have questioned
If my existence is
Worth its weight
In gold.

Most often, the answer
I come to is no;
But that might be the self loathing
Part of my soul
Reminding me to keep
My feet on the ground.

I think about all the words
Left unspoken at dinner parties.
Or the birthdays I
Intentionally avoided
So that I didnt have to
Half smile at loved ones.

I think about my tongue
Tied end over end,
Instead of standing my ground.
I think of all the nieces and nephews
Who would remember me only
In pictures.

Other times however,
I think about what
It means when I take my
Thoughts and put them on paper;
Either as a poem or
A suicide note.

There are choices to be made
At every turn,
I could choose to end
This existence
But I wont.

Are we really held accountable
For the sins or our fathers?

Can I, after all these years
Accept that I am only a face
In his mirror?

Fifteen years pass by
Like autumn winds without a word.
Not a single 'Hello' or 'I love you'
Escaping your lips.

For fifteen years
You were the monster under my bed.
Waiting to drag me into your hell,
Torture me as you did so viciously
To my mother.

After fifteen years..
I meet you at deaths door.
Withered and broken
For never saying those cherished words.

To learn that you changed
After my departure
Devastated me.

A love lost over fifteen years,
Is as much my sin, as my fathers.

Usually, waking up is
Like trying to crawl through
Razor wire while every
Bone in your body is screaming
At you to take a breather,
Because no matter what you do,
You will not be on time,
Ready to survive another day-
In five minutes.

I'm not sure if you understand
What it is like to have every
Single neuron in your brain
Speaking so loud you would think
You were at a show standing
In front of the speakers.

Living with depression and anxiety
Is difficult, my lack of motivation
Is only ******* by my fear
Of letting you down.
I am sorry that I can't
Show up smiling
Every morning.

I'm tired.

Today
I
Feel
Like
I'm
Falling
Into
An
Empty
Bottomless
Pit.

The thrill of free fall
Into the cavernous expanse
Of inner thoughts
Could only be met by
The shock of rock bottom.

My name is Nathan.
I have never aspired for much,
Only that my existence have an impact
On those who chose the burden
Of my friendship.

I'm only kidding though,
I act as though only darkness
Remains inside me but in actuality:
I have just been cultivating
A brighter light.

My path turned to gravel
For a while there,
By rocky, I really mean
The jagged, fractured stone
Gave way to open space-

- But it looks like I caught myself
Just in time.
I am reminded in this moment,
With the slow beating of my heart
That I exist on my own.

The recognition doesn't matter
Because one day you'll all see.
The warrior time has made me.
One day I'll help to change things
For all of us.

My name will one day be a symbol
Of strength.
Because the true measure isn't
About what you can lift.
But the weight that you can carry.

My light came so close to being extinguished
That I didn't remember what
It looked like.
Some mornings it seems like a distant reminder
That the world has always and will
Forever be dark.

When I met you,
For the first time in forever,
I burned bright enough to let it all go.
Now everyday in your presence
Is like bathing in the Sun's rays
and you remind me to live.
Even when the darkness is touching
The deepest recess in me,
You become a lantern home.

I'm sorry that I get this way,
I know you feel it too and all I want to do
is give back some of the light
You give so selflessly.

Never in a million years
would I have considered someone like you
could love me.
And before you say it,
I know what you think and I just need to remind you
that we are all capable of dark deeds,
and nothing can ever change my perspective of you.

Love of mine, you are just that:
the embodiment of the love this dark world
doesnt deserve.
Whatever the case may be,
If the dark swallows both of us,
my light for you
will burn well past the candle wax and butane
into the oncoming night.
So hold fast.
We have both seen the other side
of the tunnel.

It gets better.

I do not like walls,
Too constricting.
I find myself scratching
At the raised corners
Of the wallpaper
Looking for a single crack
I can escape from.

I do however,
Love windows.

This is not necessarily
A poem as much as it is
A love letter.
I cannot find the words
To express it.
The idea of you as
An individual piece
Of the puzzle,
And only miniscule
In the grand scheme of things
Seems unrealistic,
Because you came into
My life and became
The whole picture.

Darling,
Our story starts out rocky
Like the shore of the lake
I spent summers as a child,
-Which, I do promise to
Take you one day for the record-
And we may be hundreds of miles
Apart for the time being,
But you will always find home
By my side.

I think of all the horrible things
We went through
To get to this place
In our lives.
The death, the aches,
All the grandiose
Suffering we have endured
That led us to this moment.

When I find you again,
Know that I will cherish
Every second in agony
At the thought of it passing.
I will smile through every
Tear you may shed
Or every argument when
I leave the lights on
And our electric bill
Sky rockets.

I swear that when I finally
Have you in my arms,
It will be the last time either
Of us feel alone ever again.

I warned you when we met
That I was dangerous
And you shrugged it off
As macabre humor.
But you see now what I meant right?
When I said dangerous,
What I really meant
Is that I would love you
In ways you did not think
Possible.

I am forever yours
And I mean that
In the most literal of senses.

You left.
That should
have been expected
Because who has
Ever stayed for me.

I know that I
Can be difficult,
I wont use my bruises
As an excuse for myself
Because I have none.

But forgetting
Your name
Wont be easy.
It is on the lips
Of all my lovers,
It is the pressure
That makes diamonds,
It is the tectonic plates
Against my temples
Like a hangover.

You are in everything
That I am.
I hate that I cannot
Hate you.

Time will weather
Me away until
I am no longer rigid
At the mention of your name.

And I will forgive myself
For pushing you away.

Walking through my own mind is deadly
like accidentally ingesting cyanide
in the preachers kool aid.

Or maybe its just the tiger from my past,
still stalking the recesses of thought
and presents itself only in times
of my own weakness.

I **** the day I fell for your stripes
and became ensnared in your claws
raking at the depths of my souls and despair.

Its been over a year and the flesh still stings,
no matter how hard I try
to run and outlive the past
the mauling I received will never heal.

I keep trying to
express my thoughts on paper,
but all I'm finding is your name
at the bottom of every page.

I am ******.
Beyond comparison because this,
was never my intention.

If I imagined seeing
your smile in the sunrise,
or your eyes and every shade of blue,
I never would have opened my mouth.

I saw my tiger tonight.
Talk about a worst case
Scenario..

Her stripes will always
Hold a special place
In my heart,

But the power is gone.
She can no longer
Rake at me

From the shadows
Thanks to you.

I finally got to see your smile again.
It was worn, and obviously tired,
with a little bit of lie touching the corners.
But it was there.
You asked me how I was doing,
"Fine, Better even" escaped before
I could tell you how I really felt.
This is really hard,
pretending like you aren't
the first and last thing I think about
before I close my eyes.
God woman, you **** me off sometimes.
AllI wanted to do was
close the distance and take you in my arms.
Even if it was the last time,
I wanted to feel the thunder in my chest
when I kissed you.
But all I said was, "Fine."
As time goes on, maybe things will change.
I hope you wander back onto my path
and we can look back at this
like a history book.
But for now I will continue on my own.

I promised myself
That after the last girl
I would not fall in love again.
I never wanted to see her
Face in my favorite things
And breathe them in
Everyday.

I didnt want to feel
Thunder in my soul
When she smiles
At my rambling nature.

I didnt want to see you
-wait I mean her-
Liven the room
With only a laugh.

I didn't want to smell you
- Her. ******* it -
On my pillow cases
When you leave.

You.

I keep saying it
Because I am endlessly
And hopelessly in
Love with you.

So tonight when you sleep
Know that you are
Loved deeply.

Tonight was a farewell.
And it breaks my heart
To feel this way,
But you proved to me
That our bond was broken.
Maybe one day we will
Talk about it and laugh.
But I really don't think so.

Hopefully this spark isn't so easily extinguished.

It is now 3:38 in the morning.
I should be sleeping but instead
Find myself traversing
The recesses of old notebooks
Trying to remember the me
Who filled them.
The dreamer that I was feels
Long gone sometimes.
The love I believed in washed away
With the seasons.
The imagined field that I would
Someday run through
Like a finish line seems lost.
Sometimes I can't remember
Why I started writing.
But here I am at the cusp
Of a new beginning,
Finding new reasons to hope
That tomorrow when I flip
Through these pages I will
Remember the me that wrote them.