It is now 3:38 in the morning.
I should be sleeping but instead
Find myself traversing
The recesses of old notebooks
Trying to remember the me
Who filled them.
The dreamer that I was feels
Long gone sometimes.
The love I believed in washed away
With the seasons.
The imagined field that I would
Someday run through
Like a finish line seems lost.
Sometimes I can't remember
Why I started writing.
But here I am at the cusp
Of a new beginning,
Finding new reasons to hope
That tomorrow when I flip
Through these pages I will
Remember the me that wrote them.

My name is Nathan.
I have never aspired for much,
Only that my existence have an impact
On those who chose the burden
Of my friendship.

I'm only kidding though,
I act as though only darkness
Remains inside me but in actuality:
I have just been cultivating
A brighter light.

My path turned to gravel
For a while there,
By rocky, I really mean
The jagged, fractured stone
Gave way to open space-

- But it looks like I caught myself
Just in time.
I am reminded in this moment,
With the slow beating of my heart
That I exist on my own.

The recognition doesn't matter
Because one day you'll all see.
The warrior time has made me.
One day I'll help to change things
For all of us.

My name will one day be a symbol
Of strength.
Because the true measure isn't
About what you can lift.
But the weight that you can carry.

2016 sure turned a lot of us into warriors didn't it?

I finally got to see your smile again.
It was worn, and obviously tired,
with a little bit of lie touching the corners.
But it was there.
You asked me how I was doing,
"Fine, Better even" escaped before
I could tell you how I really felt.
This is really hard,
pretending like you aren't
the first and last thing I think about
before I close my eyes.
God woman, you **** me off sometimes.
AllI wanted to do was
close the distance and take you in my arms.
Even if it was the last time,
I wanted to feel the thunder in my chest
when I kissed you.
But all I said was, "Fine."
As time goes on, maybe things will change.
I hope you wander back onto my path
and we can look back at this
like a history book.
But for now I will continue on my own.

I can't pretend like I don't miss you.
Not really.

It's been a year since it happened.
When it did, I told myself
that every action I made from then on
would be for the better.
But clearly hindsight is 20/20.
I keep letting your horrible decisions
control my life, and even though
the pain is gone,
You still manage to ruin my life.
One of these days though...