We're all a jump away from suicide
He told me his truth
Led him to try to take himself
No you can't go back in time
Don't take yourself for granted
The rain forest is burning
Hearts are breaking
We are all recognisable beneath it all
Our ability to share is always there
You just don't know
What's behind someone's eyes
To see each other's pain
Is to open up about your own
We're all a compassionate mind
Away from being saved
And an effort of kindness
Is never a waste of time

Makes you not
Wanna stop

Find what makes
You feel the need
To escape and fill
The well with hope

Because addiction
Makes you not
Wanna stop

Today has come just like I said
In my previous letter it would
But unfortunately there was
A change of plans, no events
Or flights or celebratory dance
Mr narcissist paid a visit instead
He felt my thoughts and appeared
He said I'm going to delicately
Inject pieces of guilt into your skin
For trying to find happiness
Within your life without me
My birthday is worth more
Than your so called mental state
So you should have messaged
Even though we don't talk anymore
No hold on he didn't say that really
Well kind of but not exactly
He did send a wave of hate
Criticism and lack of self worth
All over my precious mind
I mean he didn't openly confess
He had planned to shatter me
To panic and to write about this
With desperate hopes of not
Losing my mind but after 10
Years as best friend and lovers
In the depths of my mind it's clear
He knows that his message is his reply
And the vicious intent and power
To hurt me is still alive inside it

To you, guess what? Tomorrow is my party!
It's all happening here! My anniversary falls too!
It's all going on, I can tell you! I get my certificate
And all my other flight tickets will come too!
Oh, tomorrow, what I have to say about you!
But don’t worry, you aren’t missing too much.

He took me away
Brought me home
Fed my consciousness
Called me by my name
Reminded me of today
That we are all one
That we are all lucky
Smiled my way
Gave my past glory
Pulled me near
Led me to see beyond
Little old fear
Sang to my body
Held my hand
Kissed a loving memory
Made me tea and
Sent me to Nirvana

28
No name
Cat was called Zoe

Life is vast and full of mystery
The hands, the empty stands
With crowds yet to arrive
The feet, the secret walk ways
The paths all leading to change
The hearts, the half closed hollow trees
The black, the white, the grey
The rain falling on my headband
My silent eyes and screaming pride
All point in one direction, only to find
You are too far gone

An old friend might not be wiser
They might not be brand new
But they are useful to you
And you can sit in silence
And they won't question your worth
Because they love you anyway
Whether you carry dirt or gold
An old friend will bring you back home
Down to the earth you grew up on
And they won't mind where you went
They just want to see you happy
They feel what mind you live and feel
And wish for you to see your light
How they do through their eyes
Because it's true that an old friend
Makes the world a better place for you

If I asked you to appreciate me
To show me that you love me
Just how I like to be shown
Would you sit and think it through
Or would you know what to do
I'm not meaning read my mind
I'm saying do you know me
Well enough to see what I need
Or have the courage to ask
In sickness and in health
The point is not to just exist
But be willing to support me
Helping me to appreciate you
That's the kind of love I need
I'm not asking you to know it all
But as time goes on I want you
To be my human hot water bottle

I want to be more like you
You hold the power like I do
But you are strong and consistent
Well sometimes you act different
But you understand the parts
That aren't perfect all the time
So you don't get disappointed
And you put health before love
And then wealth even if I put
Love and then health and wealth
What I'm trying to say is you
Respect me any time even if
Sometimes I don't act the same
And for that I really appreciate you

It's between us
But from both sides
We have different
Human minds
I don't know
What it's like to be you
I can't imagine
I long to know
Without the barrier
How would I love you

Does it make you feel good?
Does your soul have a secret velvet lining
And your head hold an invisible crown?
Do you feel precious? Irreplaceable?
Do you dream of who you are and aspire for more?
Do you feel like growing? Do you feel proud?
Does it make you question?
Does it make you feel like the world is on your side?
Hand in hand with humanity?
Does it make you feel like a space of complete euphoria
Without a face without a body or a style or a shape
Or a mind or a thought but a soul on fire
Flying free above the fields of gold?
You are a higher being deserving of peace

Even when it leaves you
And you've missed the bus
And your battery has gone
And the hot water has run out
And you just dropped your salami
Be grateful for the colour in your eyes
And for the movement in your face
And how you can swallow your own tea
And the way your mind goes its own way
Despite all conflict today I am grateful
For the people that reached out to me

And suddenly it came to me
How desperately would I miss me
If I was no longer myself

It is not my heart
That is broken in two
It is my mind

I said what are you doing
It is your vessel to control
What passes through
This body of yours
I said who are you being
Why are so you angry
Why is your heart not happy
Why is your mind racing
I said what is wrong now
When will these moments end
Why does it build up and explode
When will I learn to be
To remember how to relax
At the most crucial times
I said why are you not relaxed
Why are you like this
I walked away with the tornado
Above creating imaginary
Chaos and rubble behind me
Words lingering on the objects
That peacefully surrounded
Memories created cannot be reversed

It was like a dream
They came to my door
To welcome me out
With thoughtful questions
And a sense of unity
At first I wondered
Why are they being so nice
I had no time to question
My day at work went okay
I've not been doing much
Yes I am close to my dad
I met with my manager
Yesterday to talk about
My body and my mind
I didn't expect to see them
Again for a long time
After I had read my poem
Out so nervously the night
Before I had wanted to hide
They came into my bedroom
And we went for waffles
Then next thing we are
On the train to York and
Stood on the castle walls
It was too special to explain
They cheered me up again
Even if with everyone else
I had clocked out

It hits me after alcohol
And major social events
That I have to be a good person
And I feel almost scared that I may not be
So I go over everything and message people I miss
And analyse what happened and try to inspect
Hidden areas of my personality
And prepare for what I will do next
In this life that throws me around
This feeling reminds me of Japan
I call it ‘the come down’
The direct opposite of the word genki
Derived from the high of seeing new
It feels unforgivably overwhelming
I feel wrong or not right or perfect
And I worry what everyone thinks
And says about me and I try and
Cheer myself on to stop being silly
But it’s like a black cloud over me
Or a black puddle under my feet
And I tell myself if I pretend it’s not there
I won’t entertain it and make it worse
But it always lingers until damage is done
It saddens me that last night I spent the night
With my hero and still it feels like a lightning strike
Aimed for me this morning when he left
I know I should be happy I got to stay
And spend such a good time with him
But I don’t feel safe to bare my feelings
And I can’t help but regret it all
Because my instinct says he will drop me
Like an apple falling from the hand
Of a passer-by because they weren’t concentrating
And I’ll be alone again, cruising
So that’s as far as my hopes will go in this mood
If you have any visions of a better future
From another mood that’d be good to hear
So you can send me away from here

It’s like an addiction see
So I’m counting the days
My world completely changed
I have survived a whole week
My past self would be proud
That I don’t have hate in my heart
My greatest accomplishment to date
Forgiveness

When you're blue you can feel a rock
And imagine a mountain
Watch a bruise form
And envision death
But if you hold the blue inside you
And turn it into every colour you have ever seen
You will see more than the depth of pain
There are doorways your mind has not yet reached
And ideas you have not yet thought
Take your eyes and see the light
Because tonight is a spec
In the deep blue sea

One smile and you’ll be away
Further than my eyes can stay
Time tends to light a fear
Inside us all from day to day
But time can lend us much more
For when I sit and think of you
Our memories will always greet me
Stood waiting at an open door
And in this picture time will paint
I know we will be forever smiling
Together through it all

I was sat
Waiting for him
And it hit me
How it will be
When we are
Together

Then I realised
I am here
And he is not
'How do I live
Without him'
I thought

I am alive!
I'm doing it
I'm doing it
it's happening
I realised
I am doing just fine

I haven't forgotten his name
Or the way his eyes look
But I've forgotten his sense
Of humour and the way he laughs
And his face when he sleeps
I'm not even sure if he weeps
I don't know his walk well
I've forgotten his natural smell
Maybe I just don't know what he
Brings apart from when he's
Gone and I notice that absence
I desire and long for in conversation
I know he makes me laugh
But I don't know why or when
Or if I've even really met him
I like how he is and how he looks
My way and how he turns me on
But it doesn't last long or
Make much sense if I can't
Properly remember his presence
He's like a film star I don't know
That you might imagine you know
I've fallen I retreat I am heading
Back to that time I didn't know
His kiss so I can try to forget
That time that stays in my mind
That time he disappeared without
Saying a word no reason has been
Given so I'm not prepared
To let go get hurt and let it be forgiven

You're taught to ****
I'm taught to try not to
So when we met
Under the covers
Last night
You tried to ****
And I tried to not
You don't try that hard
To take me out
To wine and dine me
Or to figure me out
You've got a black
Heart baby
Pull out a key
Take the line
Feel my body
I'm just here for the ride
The poetry
Why you tryna
Waste my time
And forget my mind
It's more precious
Than what you're offering
My body's a temple
I don't know you well
But I went along
For the high
For the ride
Pull out the key
You don't know me
Try to take me
Try try try
Why why why

The truth - it always comes out
In the long run and when we're
Old and grey you and I
We won't remember the short
Times the times that didn't
Last long enough to leave a mark
Or a memory with a story worth
Telling
We will remember the times
That seize to leave us and that stay
In our minds and repeatedly
Change but keep alive it's true that
The truth will be right along side them
Leading the way

Accept yourself
And all that you are
I just met a doctor
He came with a cure
It was simply to
'Accept who you are'

My men are my women
My women are my men
The more I think about
There is no difference
Between how I feel them

I hold value, worth and greatness
And I am inspired to write once again
An unwise man once said to me;
Do not like someone because they like you
Do not like someone because you like them
Like someone, because of how they make you feel
Do you possess the power to like yourself?
And in turn, make yourself feel how you desire to feel?
What is it you desire? And how can you feel that?
Once that feeling has come and gone you might want to replicate it
Or is it something that changes every time it comes?
An experience changes based on how many times it appears
As Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do
Therefore, excellence is not an act but a habit
I tried to include that in our conversation last night
As I spoke about how habits can be broken and
When broken and challenged are met with different outcomes
If you sleep with every woman you meet you won’t find
Many female friends
I almost said let’s break that habit
Almost, to ask us to become friends
But I hesitated
At your excellence

I wish I saved them all
I wish I could read them now
And laugh at the angle of my falling
And how I saw the next branch
Before I crashed into it and
The gradual development of each bruise
And how I just lay there and didn’t want
To move as I finally hit the floor and
I knew I knew deep down that the bottom
Was not as glorious as the fall
I wish I could redo it all and
Prolong it to avoid this part where I am sad

I kissed his lips a thousand times
With minor uncertainty
Until the last kiss I knew
Above hell I flew
Past my faults and angels too
Into the arms of mysterious eyes
How could it be
My heart said it knew
Wrong again the church bells sang from a distance
Even they heard my cries

Between the legs of someone new
Beneath the secrets covered in blue
With every smile I give the world
Unknown to others and to you

Thank you for helping me expand my mind
And not feel as though I'm too much
Or too intense for other people
I know I can be dramatic and strange
And I think so fast my mind changes
Every day but I want to thank you
Above all because you know as I do
That the world is not cruel and the world
Is not kind and that whatever we do it
Doesn’t mean we are being punished
Or rewarded it's just the way it's happening
The world isn’t against or for us
It's just being and existing and it's us that
Puts personality to fatality so I want to
Thank you for seeing it all how I do
And for fusing with me to form a single entity

I just really haven’t got time
To sit and wait
And wonder am I enough?
For this human being?
Is my mind and soul and body enough?
If you have to question it
It’s no. So, run!
Run like the ******* wind
Because he’ll message again
And then you’ll have to stay sane
But you don’t
Guess what?
You don’t even have to reply

Shouldn't it mean when you stay forever
For company in the dark
Even with how unwanted you may feel
Wandering around for attention
For acknowledgement somehow
Seeking some kind of approval
And chasing redemption
It is to be transparent and reflective
While spending decades regretting
Unsure of your purpose or meaning
No feeling of peace or control
But facing the truth despite it all
Lingering with unresolved memories
Wishing the time away like a guilty prisoner
Wanting to go back to good old yesterday
To not make the same mistakes
Surely punishing and repetitive
He is loving me like a ghost
From Christmas past
Showing me how good life can be
Instead of leaving me behind
Without saying a word
Nothing worth having comes easy
A ghost is just a human being
What is there left to be scared of
I hope he never stops haunting me

You kind of dread it
But when it happens
You just accept it
Growing older
Only gets romanticised
When you're with someone
You kind of pine for it
But when it happens
You miss the past
Growing older
I'm going to make you
And I get on

He said what do you think
It means to have ***?
Doesn’t matter what I said
He pulled my neck hard
Doesn’t matter what I did
He brought me tea in bed
Doesn’t matter what I thought
I was myself

I’d tell her girl,
That man don’t love you
Like a 90's song
I’d say nah
He gon be elsewhere
I’d say he cares yeah
But he ain’t no forever
Man, child he got other plans
So get your mind
And go do it all
Whether or not
He be by your side
I’d say let him fly
And love him from afar
But don’t go questioning
Why you’re here
Because girl,
You’re a woman now

How have we made it here
It's been a whole ******* year
My ex he turns a year older
And I'm not celebrating
There's no anxiety and no fear
This year.
My absence is staying
It's surpassing birthdays,
Christmas, Easter and New Year!
Yep. It's a normal day for me.
I think that calls for a cake.

Imagine everyday
As a new place
And a different
Part of your soul
Welcoming you home

Cemented to the chair
Bound by time
Striding forward
Leap after leap
My imagination is growing
Inside itself
Worlds in worlds
The chance is there
To take
It's racing
Forward
Forward
Forward
Then stop
I move and remember
I am here
Repeat

How often do you love them
Do you stare until they notice
He makes me want to remember
To fill the kettle for when I wake
So I can pour myself tea quicker
He makes me feel like celebrating
All those things I've overcome and
Go over how proud I have become
He makes me imagine all there is
How often do you meet someone
With such soft beautiful skin
And eyes that look like worlds
And hair that hugs your hand
He makes me want to feel like
Home because he makes sense
And for how often he loves me

And now I do the only thing I know how to do
I write it out loud for myself to read again
To make the pain more durable
To make it leave me and evaporate in the air
Making my shoulders lighter and my hands more strong
Making my mind less frantic and my heart more solved
I write with the truth of the night that we will leave Leicester
And go on different paths we will sometimes walk
The same line in different places, poems and parties
We will remember each other
But my heart tells me of an end I know I don’t want to hear
The last time I see you is only the beginning of this end
As it marks the start of the journey I will take, the novel starts then
With your eyes turned around and your footprints drifting away
Into the distance that is when you enter me
With your words left burnt on the inside of my skin
That the people who know us will never see
You have sparked me and interested me
When I didn’t think I could find interest in the day
You have left me wanting to know more and that is why
I have enjoyed you, you have intrigued me
And that is what I will miss and that is sadly why I cry
You have seen my depth and matched it
You have sparked me again and again
You have made me moan and let me hear you do the same
You have made me laugh and most of all you have helped me
You have heard me in my quiet hour in my sleep and slumber
You have read my mind and helped me ponder
You and only you have saved me for the time being
And that is why I cry, I don’t want this to end
I don’t want you to go I don’t want you to find someone else ever
I can’t imagine having *** with anyone else, I don’t even want to

We wrote our own
And signed them quickly
You couldn't have
Stopped me
Mine went to live
In one of his DVD cases
As if in his possession
It was safe forever
I thought that pen
Was my friend
Doing me a favour
That paper, that human
Long lost, long gone
His soul now lives
Beneath the boxes
Never spoken of
It wasn't dark at the time
We were children in love

Everyone died at work today
Well at least it feels like that anyway
I went to the staff room
And I walked back out pen in hand
Only to find everyone dead
I said is there a god if so why
Have you done this and left me
Living
He replied with little enthusiasm
And said they're not dead
I killed you instead

Quite possibly more than ever
With the way I lay aimlessly
And how I can potter
Without anyone commenting
On my moves or lack of
Or my hair or face or body
I'm in love with the freedom
Of my day and night
Can you tell where I am?
I'm taking a masterclass
It's called 'The art of privacy'

This ones about the other men
I’m reserved but I still look at them
With intrigue about who they are
And I wonder if I would have enjoyed them
Or if I would have tried to see more
If I was without my gentleman
I used to search for someone
Now I look inwards and find life easier
As I don’t have that emptiness about
Being by myself and holding my own
Attractive people stand around
But none are as spectacular as my man

Things go wrong
And things get said
In and out of the bed
Things aren't easy
I've found even if
It really is true love
The ugly sides fly out
And line up to greet
All the pretty parts
I collapsed at the weight
Of his commitment
And I wondered if he would
Stick around for the cries
The deaths and the hells
I got taken over by the wine
My mind it was no longer mine
I longed for him as I slept
Then I woke up beside him
Stunned when he whispered
You look beautiful

Actions speak
Louder than words
I think you'll find
You can be fine
Stop speaking
And act on what
Is to be done
It's about a persons
Actions not their
Same old song

I think sometimes I just think for the sake of thinking do you think you do that too? Think about it... is it all we do? Think and think about thinking? Do you think I think too much or is it just that you don't think as much? What does thinking do? Is thinking our greatest achievement in life? Our ability to think? What would happen if we stopped thinking? We would die I think or we would start to live. I don't think I should entertain every thought because I think I'd rather aim for a peace that comes from not thinking about thinking. I think I want peace.

And when I think of you
I think of you again
And more thoughts of you appear
And then I think of you
My mind wonders
About you