hi. hello. how are you? i’ve watched you live your life from behind a screen, and can i say that I think it’s beautiful? can i say that you are beautiful? that your existence is beautiful? the way you laugh. the way you think. the way you breathe. beautiful. you remind me of wildflowers and the color yellow. you remind me of a child’s innocence and mother’s finest china. you remind me of all the pretty things. is it wrong to say i’ve started to hate them? the pretty things? because they remind me of you? i can’t escape your beauty and it’s suffocating. what am i suppose to do with it? it feels like an offering that i don’t have the strength to hold. everywhere i turn, there you are. in the eyes of my love. in the voices of my friends. in the most damaged parts of my heart. hi. hello. how are you? can i say that you are beautiful? i’ve certainly heard it enough.

If someone asked me
what happiness looks like,
I'd describe
you.

Hannah Hannah Hannah
won’t you smile for us
cuz when your sad
i feel like I’ve been hit by a bus

and it was a big bus

Because I’ve watched you die
A hundred times before,
And I’m no longer afraid
To see it happen.

there are so many words
that i wish to tell you.
there are so many thoughts
to slip from my mouth.
i want you to know
the entirety of my being
and the deepest corners
of my soul.

strip me bare.
and see who i am.

you say you’re not a writer
but you write poetry all over my legs.
covered in bruises and scratches and scars;
a sign I’ve been loved by you.

my body is a novel that you’ve written.
I am proud to walk around with these words.
so carefully and meticulously crafted
by your gentle hands.

you have me marked.

and this is what it feels like
to be unloved.

she painted my world red.
I loved red.
the love. the passion. the fire.
But despite her tenderness
the flames consumed me

I painted my world yellow.
warmth and sunshine and happiness.
I became a sunflower
always pointing towards the light
I loved yellow

But I learned to love orange.
I learned to love our worlds together.
I learned to love myself
while I loved you.
and now orange is my favorite color

I was 11 the first time you flashed your crooked smile my way
Swaggering up to me with that innocent laugh
Calling me "darling" and "sweetheart"
Making me believe i was special

I was 13 the first time you found the excuse to feel my body
Constantly crooning soft words into my ear
Proclaiming me as your inspiration
Your muse

I was 15 when I first learned to be truly afraid of your presence
When you called me hot
When you compared us to a couple from game of thrones
When you looked down my leotard

I was 16 when you first made me flinch
Teasing me with playful pokes to the back when i couldn't move
commenting on my homecoming dress
never ending conversations of how you found me alluring

All I know is that the sun is shining
And I am here
And somehow that’s enough.

Everything is ugly
her body, her words, her laugh
she longs for perfection
but only slips deeper into emptiness
until she becomes less than nothing

How I wish I could split open my stomach
and gut myself like a honeydew

I am not obligated to love you
just because you are family.
I refuse to take your abuse
or the venom that follows you

Your presence here is not welcome
nor the drugs, ***, and alcohol.
I will not let you destroy this home
so let it be known.

you are the pretty sister
the talented one,
but I’m the one who had to be better
because you were to headstrong to break.

I must be the skinny one
the smart one
I must be everything
you are and aren’t.

I pay the price for your selfishness
while you get to curse at me from afar.
Yes, I must be the perfect one
and I’m not allowed snap.