2 o'clock and 47 minutes.

I've been awake at this time for a week now.
I'm laying on my bedroom floor.
I find the ceiling comforting.

2 o'clock and 47 minutes.
My heart is racing and I'm weak.

2:47 and I have forgotten everything I've done outside of this room.

It’s 2:47
My bedroom is filled with smoke.
Forming shapes of soldiers battling over me.
I am wounded I can’t feel my limbs and my head is heavy.
I  feel the vibration underneath me, of feet digging into the ground, running.

It’s 2:47
I am a soldier.
My armour has failed me.
I am bleeding.
I am cold.

It’s 2:47 and all I see is white.
Does this how death feels like.
Empty.
Cold.
Dull.

It’s 2:47 and I'm floating. I see the sky above me, stars are shining brighter than I have ever seen the sun shine.
I foolishly  expected the stars to warm me.

It’s 2:47 and I'm laying next to the enemy.
She’s battered and wounded, too.

It’s 2:47 and the enemy is beautiful. She’s laying next to me. I see her lungs rising and falling and I'm amazed at every shallow breath she takes.

2:47 She’s in front of me.
Her naked back.
My gaze is tracing the architecture of her body.
Her spine, shoulder blades, neck.

2:47 She turns facing me.

2:47 I want her.

2:47 She’s the enemy.

2:47 She is the enemy whose whispers are sharper than a sword.

Her words can flood empires within me.

A touch and I'm frozen.
A kiss and I'm melting in her arms.


It’s 12 o'clock and in 2 hours and 47 minutes I’ll get to see her.

In 2 hours and 47 minutes I'll get to be with her.


It’s 2:47 and my bedroom is filled with smoke again.

It’s 2:48 and she’s gone.

Recognize the body in the mirror and apologize.

Apologize to those weak arms for holding weaker bodies.

To those bloodshot eyes looking into blank souls.

For your chapped lips kissing blades.

Apologize to your cold skin for trying to be warmed up by burnt out fires.

I would like to let you know the heroes that were going to save you have disappeared.

Darling,
Your eyes have dried out and you’re way too young.

You’re a child and I'm not a child any more.

You were a fire burning bright,
and I hope the little spark in me reignites.

You have grown weaker, my little heart, the weight of your guilt was too heavy.

You wont stop playing with the flames,
and my child I can’t feel the heat any more.

My love, my flesh and bone.

The fire will burn out,
and the ash and coal.

The harsh bright lights and here comes
the wake up call.

It’s that time again.
When darkness and silence arrives.

The silence cascades through the night.
Street lights through the window keep me company, for a while.

My eyes are closing and I'm struggling to keep them open.
Finding anything to entertain me.
Counting my heart beats.
Each breathe.
Thinking of thoughts that I've successfully managed to prison all day.

They’re free now.

My eyes are shut and I can’t fight it any more.
I'm tired, weak.
My body failed me.
My frail human body failed me.
And the time I'm dreading is here.

Am I asleep or am I waking up in another world.

Darkness still surrounds me and I'm alone.

Am I dreaming?

I'm searching for a light.
A spark a flair of anything.

I'm drowning.

It’s cold here and I'm shivering.

The ground beneath me crumbles and I'm running.

I'm running away.

I'm drenched in sweat.

Being here is suffocating and I'm gasping for air.

I'm lost and I'm falling.
I'm lost.
I never knew where I am.


I'm falling.


The fall.

The gunshot.

The car crash.

The fall.

I stop breathing.

Stop moving.

Am I dying?

Can I be awake again?

I just want this to end.

Is this the end?

I'm falling.

I'm awake again.

I wake up at 4 am with my mind and all that is in it erased.

I stay there for 5 minutes.
Then my memory comes back to me and it leaves me wondering if I'm actually alive or dead.

Have I lost myself?
I don't feel like I'm living in my body.
I'm not myself.

I'm stuck.
Other see my figure walking but it's not my own.

I'm struggling.
To keep myself controlled.
To speak when I want to.
To feel what I should feel.

I'm at war with my own mind.
Please don’t waste your love on me.
I'm unworthy.
I'm not belittling myself.
But I'm not capable of it yet.

It aches.
My heart doesn't fit it’s cage.

My body is not my own.
I don't know who I am.

But I'm living until my bones dry out.

I am truly myself in the bathroom.

The switch of the locked bathroom brings out the me that I see.

The me that I am always afraid to be.

I look in the mirror and I see myself not what others see.

It's not a monster that I see but an ugly being trying to hide whatever that would make me a monster.


I am a monster to be.


The bathroom is where my cage is.

The bathroom is where I rattle and fight until I break out.

I have always carried bullets in my pockets.
Just in case.
Just in case I have done what I'm here to do.
Just in case I find you.
I load your gun.
Just in case, I'm sure you will shoot me when I'm done.

Leave us.
Leave us standing still by the fire getting lost.
Leave us playing hide and seek with each other’s hearts.
Leave me struggling gasping for your breath.
I’ll leave you wanting more.
I’ll leave you while reaching out to you.
I’ll leave you taking the fire away.
I’ll leave you shivering.

Leave us, getting close but never close enough.

We are story lines clashing, each person has their own.

But I'm here to write about mine and whatever I know about yours.

My story line is not yours.

I don’t control yours and you don’t control mine.

But that is not what’s happening here.

I'm not your string puppet.

I cut the ropes and left myself limp.

You refuse to see that the ropes are no longer there.

My grin and your alligator tears.

Your disgust and my dishonesty.

Aren't we perfect for each other.

I'm tired yet addicted.

When the bitter cup of coffee parts my lips, I inhale the freshly lit cigarette, those two combination leave a smile upon my face, pleased and amused of where this story is headed to.

I have become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
I am just learning how to deal with this new territory.
I have become aware of this stage I'm on.

Forget the crowd and try to stick to the script.
Try to join the actors.
Try to be more of a team player.

Use the props that you are given.
Feed off the rest of the cast.
Feed off the audience.

Play your role.

How I wish I could **** the demons that that have nested in you.
How I wish you would stop feeding them, they will never be satisfied.

How I wish I could leave you behind.
How I wish you wanted me to stay.

Our story has not reached the final page.
I beg of you not burn the written pages.

We haven’t reached the finish line.
I'm not ready to go back to the start.

How I wish I could stop holding my hands out for you.
How I wish you wanted me to hold my hands out to you.

I'm not what I claim to be I'm merely a shell of what I used to be.

I'm not what I need to be I'm merely a shell of what I meant to be.

I'm not what I want to be I'm merely a shell of what's left of me.

I'm not what I seem to be I'm merely a shell of what's in front of me.

I am who I am and I am as whole as I want to be.

Fooling myself again and again as I amuse me.

Fill my time as you set me free.

I am a person born in this female body.

With hands that build and legs to keep me upright.

With eyes that see and a mind full of imagination.

I am a person capable of change.

Capable of love.

Capable of laughter.

I am a person gravitating towards you.

Gravitating towards the fuel to help my fire burn bright.

Gravitating towards the sun and moon to keep me company.

I am a person.

with a beginning and an end.

The smoke from your cigarette is forming shapes, you imagine make believe characters of your own.

Headlights of cars passing by are forming shadows on the wall.


The ticking clock disturbs you.

You are your own brain’s little tricks.

Your chapters are a colliding mess.


Your secrets are just time vessels.

You inject yourself with melodies, but it’s a temporary escape.


Your vanes are made of silk, your blood feels like shards of glass cutting through.


Warm feathers cover you, protected by a metal shield.

You mistake your acquaintances as demons.

Your terrors are the ones who keep you company.


Your hands quiver as you write this on a piece of paper that it’s future is to be torn.

Drip, drip.
The tears are streaming down your neck.
Shut your eyes and don’t you dare shed another tear.

Drip, drip.
Your nose is bleeding.
Wipe it off and clean the trail back to your chaos.

Don’t show us your weakness.
We’ll shout in mockery of your fears.
We’ll shout making your ears bleed.

Don’t make a mess and wipe your blood off the floor.

Drip, drip.
Look at you.
What a shame.

Your head is flooding again.

I don’t want you to stop playing with my heartstrings
No one does it as well as you do.

Play your nostalgic songs on me.
Hums and rhythms of our past.

Cover me in memories and last words.
Immerse our bodies with the warmth of solitude.

Let’s meet in our beautifully imagined fantasy.

Because, I have to say.

There’s a home in me where you used to be.
A phantom figure claiming to be you is all I can see.

Take me back when didn't feel estranged from my skin and bones.

I am too you young to feel dragged by my throat
when I stutter under my breath

Forgive me for my adolescent mind, I do not think I have grown up yet.

I hide because I do not want to hear the tone of your voice saying my name.
Making me hate the day you named me.

I make myself believe that I am protecting you but I am only protecting myself.
I am selfish and I have been lying to you.

But my love we have lied to each other consistently


I am here.
I am your fears, your guilt your stress your forgotten imagination.
I am not your reality.

I am you nostalgia for a lie.
I am your unachieved dreams.
Your failures.
Your regret.
Your denial.

I am not what you are.
I am not what you want me to be.
I am not what is in front of you.
I am not what is in front of me.

I fear the day when it’s too late and my sanity forces me to dig in the grown just for the touch of your skin against mine.

Why are we so afraid?
When will you stop?

I am not going to stop reminding you that I am your daughter.

We laugh we love we care and we carry our hearts on our sleeves.

Walking in these streets with blank faces.

We love, and we do it so poorly.

We give to fill ourselves up.

We empty ourselves hoping to be filled.

We’re empty to the last drop till we get back to our beds crying, begging for a refill.

We’re emptied out.

Dry.

Our bottom is breaking and I feel it cracking beneath my feet.

Feelings are indefinable, embed that into your mind.

Realize that how many times you try to communicate them that it wont be as pure as you want them to be.

Realize how it's different with each of us and also exactly the same.

Realize the few that will maintain them and simplify them for you.

Appreciate those who will understand you without a word.

Remember that our spirits leans on one another.

Remember that wherever you are, whatever you're feeling is an energy hoping to be let out.

We can still laugh.

With all of this we can still laugh.

When sorrow consumes you.
When thoughts destroy you.
When memories haunt you.
When mistakes find you.
When you grab your chest trying to help your lungs to breath.

You can still laugh.

After it all exhausts you.

When all that is left is forgiveness.
When all that matters is gone.
When all that left you empty makes you whole again.
When all that is felt is love.
When all you can be is kind.

When everything is said and done, you are the only one.

To you and the time that may or may not come.

My life is short.

What you have brought me now is what I wish for and more.

I despise the day you take it all away.

When my happiness collides with others fear of what I may become. Of what I already am.

The time when I have to be demolished, forgotten and worthless.

I'm hopeless for the future.

Destiny is a scam I once believed in.

I left my destiny in your invisible hand.

I have wasted my time with knees on the ground bruised, scratched and bleeding.

Repeating those words, hoping for forgiveness.

I'm unworthy of your unspoken words.

I might be corrupt in your eyes but I love it.

Yours Unfaithfully.

Take me away from love and fear.

Take it all away because as of today I will lead myself blind into my future.

I want to hear the sound of living without an image just sounds.

I never trusted my eyes they have always betrayed me.

I never trusted my eyes they attract tragedy.

I will close my eyes and listen to everything.

From the rustling of trees to the sirens in the neighborhood.

From the cries of a mother to the cries of a newborn.

Today I am blind.

Today I am listening.

I remember dreading afternoons with empty stomachs.

Where we’re forced to be in each other’s faces and shove our mouths with lies and stop ourselves from breaking out the truth.

The truth that we’d rather suffer through wars within than find peace in each other.

The truth that we've gotten skilful in reconstructing our masks among others.

We've gotten ugly and our eyes will never meet.

I knew from the first time I laid my eyes on you that you would break my heart.

I chose you to break me and I am grateful.

I knew from the first time I kissed you that I loved you and was only waiting for your love back.

I knew from the first time you said those three words that I would one day lose you.

I want to let you know that my heart will mend but not by another.

My heart will mend by the words that flows through me remembering you.

My heart will mend by the poems I write for you and after you.

My fingers will not stop typing because you fell in love with the outcome.

I will use these poems as messages to you.

I hope that you are okay with me using you.

My mind, body and spirit.

They're everything to me and they're nothing.

They give and they feed.

Mind, so full to the brim that it spills.
It spills everywhere, uncontrollably.
It spills and it's empty.

Body, it feels, it feels so much of you and it shakes, uncontrollably.
It shakes and it's numb.

Spirit, it floats, floats through it all, through everyone.
It floats and it's temporary.

I feel sorry for the moon for what he has to see every night.

The madness of people that only shows when the sun leaves.

I feel sorry for the moon, he cannot run away.

I'm too selfish to let him go.

I know he suffers from his undying love for the sun.

I know he whispers apologies in the night air hoping for the sun's forgiveness.

I know the sun will never listen.

I feel sorry for the moon for he is alone and can never live without the sun.

I feel sorry for the moon for the shame he carries on his back.

Heavy and hidden.

I'm falling for the moon and he will never know.

I take my tea with drops of melancholy.

A cigarette between my exhausted fingers.

I remember the day you wished that I was dead and you're the only one who saved me from the jaws of the hungry wolves.

I was a cowedly sheep stained with hatred and dowsed with remorse, waiting for anger to burn me up.

I had no idea I was living with the beast.


My soul is an inch away from non-existence.

The soles of my feet are decaying and I'm weak.

The fire is gone and I wonder what you'll do with my remaining ashes.


I will remain sinful and insane.

I still will remain regretful and tired.

I remain sculpting better strangers than my own loved ones.

Yes, I will remain living with the beast.

No, I won't come to you any more as my saviour, feeding me bowls of guilt.

I’m coming clean.

I was never made to live in constructed places.

I was never made for careless lovers.

I was never made to beg for fortune.

Now I’m coming clean.

I’m made for the universe to live among galaxies in open spaces.

I’m made for the peoples fragile hearts.

I’m made for giving love for life in return.

The waters are calling me and I can’t seem to move.
The waters are shouting my name but I can’t begin to voice a sound.
I long for the waters to wash over me.

To wake me up.

The waters are calling my name and I can’t seem to respond.

The waters are calling and I’m asleep.
The waters are shouting and I’m numb.

I dream of oceans welcoming me in.
I dream of oceans washing over me.


The waters will stop calling my name and I will be gone.
The waters will stop shouting.

I will stop dreaming.

I’m way too deep in the quick sands of the dessert to ever hear the ocean calling my name.
I will build monuments high enough for you to see.
I will build sand castles until you reach me.


The oceans are howling my name once again.
The oceans will never hear the cry of the wolf within.

Take that pill to keep your promise.

Self medicating, mind exploding.

This is not all that is left.

Take that pill to forget.

Self medicating, mind numbing.

This is all that is left.

Our love were songs.

Unfortunately songs do not last forever.

The drums stops as my heartbeat stops pumping blood for you.

The guitar stings stops shivering as my skin learns to stop building mountains upon it.

The piano keys will stop turning as my eyes forgets locking to yours.

The singer sings the last word of hope as I stop my midnight whispers of your name.

The vinyl will not stop spinning as I hold on to the silence.

I recorded every song of us and I hope I stop replaying.

You sweat and you shiver so fast for most people to realize.

A pen frightens you.

You let it slip.

I grew up with you attached to me.
You have been burned and cut.
You have written words I would never let myself utter.

I haven’t been careful with you.

You have held significant others within you.
You have held infants.
You have touched every surface that compelled you.
You have wiped tears.
You have held cigarettes.
And you have created.

Don’t let the pen slip.

Have you exhausted your words?
Have you grown tired of them?
Are my thoughts flashing by you and you can’t seem keep up?

Please move.

Surprise me with a reply that is mirroring my thoughts.

Help me.

Reach down my throat and pull out the knot that suffocates me.
I want the chaos within me to move you restlessly.
I will let my body go numb but don’t stop.

Take my mind as a map and run.
Run to every corner and every road.
Dig in the ground and follow the cracks.
Destroy my walls.
Leave more chaos but don’t stop.

Let my eyes guide you whether in light or darkness.

Just please, do not stop writing.

It was only you and I dancing between galaxies of a smoke filled room.

It was your back against my chest swaying to the rhythm of our heartbeats.

It was your hand that led mine around your waist keeping me close.

It was your pale moon skin under the starry night that left me mesmerized.

It was the touch of your first rib as my fingers eagerly creases your bones.

It was that moment that I can't get out of my mind.

You were the forest that I thought I would never step a foot into.

You were the ocean that I would never think I'd explore.

Was it only me?

Was it only me who had the recurring thought of burning the forest with my skin?

Was it only me who had the fear of touching yours?

I'm caught in your constellation and I know I'm not the only one.

I built it all up to tear it down.
I have built mountains to turn them into dust.
I have built bridges to cut them down.

To destroy it all with my own hands.

I believe only a destroyer would only know how to repair.

I know that the scrap metal around me was once a beautiful sculpture, but I only remember how beautiful it was.

My hands that mold learned to melt.
My hands that fix grew to break.

They are what I have dared to know.

I am selfish for not appreciating what I have.
For what I had experienced.
For remembering the bad rather than the good memories.

Lingering for the missing,
for the lost,
for the forgotten ones that have forgotten me long before I started to.

I am foolish for praying for what I gave up to come back to me without an effort.

I am selfish and entitled for an explanation,
an apology,
a goodbye.

You lay there with him trying not to run away.

Biting your lips.
Trying not to scream.
Trying not to push him, even though every part of you despises him.

His sweaty body on top of yours.
You’re disgusted by his heavy breathing.
Your body is limp, but he’s too self-centred to notice you.
His grip suffocates you.

But my darling you’re not with him now.

You are here with me.
You are a crook an I'm a fool for you.
You are helpless and desperate.
You need me.
You hold me tight.

Holding for your life.

You kiss me as if today and those minutes are all we have left.

I kiss you as you wrap your arms around my neck.
Keeping me close.

My fingertips are digging in your back.
You take a deep breath and hold me tighter.

Our skin moulding together as one.
One beautiful and complete creature.
It dances so gracefully to the music
that we make.
With each breath, moan, touch, and kiss.
You are my drug and I'm addicted.

We live for these few minutes.
Where we are high on each other. Where we forget where we are.
But eventually.
Eventually you will let go and I will too.
Eventually you will go back to him.
Eventually you will go back to being miserable.

Until we get those minutes back.

We dance on this earth without listening to the song of the universe.
We wear our hearts on our sleeve wishing for warmth.

The universe sings songs of the dead stars.
The earth moves to the sound of our heartbreaks.

Our hearts are too loud to listen.
Our hearts are too loud to dance to the rhythm.

Dear Speaker,
You are my keeper.
Keep me from saying the words I am too afraid to say.

Dear Speaker,
I am weaker.
When I speak I do not like what I hear. It’s not whole. It’s not complete.

Dear Speaker,
I want you to stop.
The letters and words you utter do not define me.

Dear Speaker,
Your words are failing.
You are failing.

Dear Speaker,
My throat is swollen with words unspoken.

Dear Speaker,
Do not bother with me.
My silence is not for you to consume.

Dear Speaker,
Ask yourself, what if.

What if the air could speak.
Will it tell stories of last breathes?

What if the earth could preach.
Will it make our ears bleed?

And what if.

What if I could speak.
What if I was able to speak.
What if my throat is not heavy any more.
What if my voice stops shaking.
What if my lips stops quivering.

Dear Speaker,
I would say it all. I would put it all on the table until it sinks in the ground.

Dear Speaker,
Why don’t you listen?

My hands could never catch up to the speed of thoughts.
Whatever is written down are words brighter than neon signs.

My mind could never catch up the speed of thoughts.
Whatever is said are sentences of washed out memories.

I write it all.
I’ll go blind.
I say it all.
I’ll forget.

How can you not shed a tear when your mother is sobbing in front of you?

When you have never seen her cry before you.

What else could you do expect to hold her in your arms, assuring her that it will all be all right.

When you know deep down in your dried out soul that things will never be.

It's strange to see the strongest human being you've ever knew crumble before you.

Surrendering to the demons that you once knew.

I've never held my mother fearing that she would smell the reeking body of cigarettes.

Now I realize how much of a fool I was.

I haven't shed a tear, yet.

But my mind is set.

I have gotten rid of the guilt.

Because my mind is set, I will never stand still any more.

Here’s how it is inside my head when I’m sober.
Everything is clear.
Everything is so clear but it’s a mess.
A mess of words.
Thoughts clashing against each other.
I explain and over explain and I try to get my point across but it’s nothing.
What I say is nothing.
The words that come out are nothing.
My mind speaks against me.
Isn't my mind my own?
I try to calm it but it only rattles even more.
I write and it’s nothing.
I write and the words won’t make sense.
I try and the letters vanish.
Give me shot.
A hit of anything.
Make me high.
I don’t want to know this.
I don’t want to know who I am.
I keep myself a stranger.
I have always been drawn to strangers.
I've always been drawn to hurt.
To ignore.
Keep me high it’s for the best.
It won’t stop.
It won’t stop.

Please stop.

I've learned to be a vessel for so long.
To hide to keep to hold.

It's breaking.

Born I was tied to this world.
Strings tied around me.
Grasped by this orchestra.

I start to sing.
Singing along.
Playing these strings.
Together we play.
Together we pull.
Melody flows through us.
Harmonizing through love and tragedy.

Until I cut the string.
Until I stop singing along.
Until I reach the end of my song.
Buried under this coliseum without a hint of sound.

Do you ever get the feeling that everyone you know is hiding something from you?

Like a big dark secret about yourself that no one dares to tell you?

Well, that's how I feel most of the time.
Trying to decode every sentence, every word, every letter.
Thinking about all the outcomes.
Watching every movement surrounding you.

I forget myself most of the time.
How could someone actually forget that they exist amongst others?

To take yourself out from your own life and focus on others.

I like to see it as superpower.

To be fully distracted.

To the point you can't remember how you felt in the most important days of your life.

To the point you can't stand yourself for one hour because what I see is a stranger.

To the point you can't hear your own thoughts because they're shouting.

Thank for the journey upon your deep blue seas.

Thank you for making me lost between your tides.

Thank you for making me look up and experience the beauty of stars like I have never done before.

Thank you for making me love you or I would never start loving myself.

Thank you for leaving or I would not have found myself.

Now I stand on the shores with my toes deep in the sand.

Now I stand on an unfamiliar ground and I am not afraid.

Thank you.

Fear holds a mighty power.

It over weighs the heart.

Break down.

Dig deeper.

You’re getting strong holding yourself down.

Look up.

Get weaker.

Your body is aching and your arms are getting sore.

As I ride my bike.

All I see is darkness in front of me.

All I hear is the soft classical music in my ears.

The full moon above me.

The city lights are in waves, vibrating, dancing to the music
My thoughts, my legs like the wheels, unstoppable.

They’re taking me places.

Kidnapping me from this world.

This world where leaders are misleading.
Playing chess with our minds, misplacing.

All we are is a globe sized mad house.
The insane are in command.
And the sane are overthrown.

Mistakes are mistaken for corrections.
White lies growing up to be dark lies.

Humanity is worthless while objects are worthwhile.

All it did is keeping me misguided .
Reunited with the feelings of confusion that what we call our world had led me to.

I got all of these thoughts and they’re meaningless.
I have all of this fear and it’s insignificant.

One day I might have the strength to do something.
To stop and lend a hand.

But for now and the coward of a soul in me.

I ride.

I ride to the dark.

The rushing air captivates my body.

The music overshadowing my brain.

Thoughts fleeing as my legs paddle faster.

I find comfort in the speed.

I find comfort in the darkness.

I find comfort in the light.

I find comfort in letting my thoughts go.

Your tough upbringing does not justify your actions or disrespect towards me.

I am not to blame.

You look at me with pity, your words are spitting out mockery.

I'm saddened by what you believe.

I tried to believe what you believe.

But I'm not you, I will never be you, I don’t want to be you.

You’re blinded by the truths behind my wall of lies.

You’re weak and you need someone to control.

I'm merely your living breathing  journal, I'm leaving you in despair.

If you were mine your papers will easily turn to ashes.

You are ignorant and unaware.

You are not to blame.

You had your fair share of tragedies.

I will spend my lifetime not telling you what I am.

Your expectations, I won’t live up to.

I am what you don’t want me to be.

I'm protecting you from my mistakes.

I'm an impostor and time is my enemy, as someday all of me will unfold.

We are the children of children.

How old we get we are still trying to figure it out.

I've learned that the biggest mistake I could ever do to myself is to think that I know it all.

You can know a whole lot but you'll never know it all.

******* on pacifiers with wrinkled faces.

Sharing wisdom before knowing how to even crawl.

Drawn to the mother figure, the father's forgiveness.

Cradling the teachers.

Finding wisdom in students.