In your eyes I see the torment you’ve been dealt with,
I see the years of being told that you can do it.
I see your pain, just as you see mine.
My only regret is that the fates were cruel enough to keep us from finding each other,
Yet I am also thankful that even though it took me longer to find you the wait was worth it.
Every heartbreak every lie I believed all the pain, if it meant that I needed to go through it all again to be with you, I’d do it all again.
For in your eyes I see kindness and compassion.
The woman I love and do not deserve, will be my wife and gods know how much I love you.
In your eyes the seas of torment and pain,
Yet also the fields of laughter & happiness.
By gods I love you.
You’re my best friend, partner in crime.
Loudest supporter and challenge me to be better.
With you by my side I know we can do anything.

I want to give you the world, all you deserve and more.
That’s a phrase many misunderstand.
I’m not talking about money or fame.
Of course it’s possible to reach for those goals,
I’m talking about the experiences of life.
Watching the sunrise and sunsets with you,
Going on our hikes even though we stop to smoke our cigarettes (counterproductive of course)
laughing till our sides hurt,
Even crying and being able to lean on each other’s shoulders.
Getting married, becoming two responsible adults who move into their home.
Seeing our kids grow up,
Taking numerous pictures and framing them.
Bikes ride together.
The experience of life, I want to share it all with you.
And I want to love life with the love of my life.
Thankfully the fates have been kind enough to bring us back together once more.
As we enjoy the sunrise in our morning meditation (granted I never saw myself as a mediator before)
You’ve shown me many ways to grow, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.
Peace at long last.
Here’s to the first step to the future,
Our future.

Some say I’m an angel,
Some say I’m the devil.
Yet through your eyes I am both & more.
Some fear me because of the devilish black eyes I bear,
Some love me because heart on my sleeve I wear.
Yet through your eyes I am more.
Everyday I grow deeper in love with you,
The world is ours.
My devilment & your kindness.
Many took us for granted yet here are,
Still standing.
Now together.

Seeing each other again across the dance floor of a wedding.
Ironically the wedding was at the country club,
Surrounded by our friends and family.
Without realizing we might’ve run into each other here of all places,
I sulked in a corner taking advantage of a free bar.
Faintly I heard a familiar laugh,
That joyous laugh where you’re smiling with the little nose crunch
Months had gone by a whole year went by without hearing that laugh and the second I heard it over those speakers booming,
I immediately leaped searching thinking it was just familiarity.
And that’s when I saw you, in that black dress that flowed almost as if it was mimicking a downstream current.
Graceful.
And your smile, brightened that entire room.
You were talking to my mother, the both of you standing there was amazing.
I had sweaty palms and the suddenly that tux I was wearing was choking me,
In a good way.
That glass of whiskey helped steel my nerves when you turned and saw me.
The dance floor, it’s what separated us for that moment.
It was like time froze, for that one beautiful moment of us seeing each other again.
And you just ran, the fastest I’d ever seen anyone run in heels.
I ran to catch you and hold you.
Just like that dance partner.
Like two kids again laughing the night away,
Even told you about my time as a wedding coordinator and planned who wedding with colors my ex wanted.
That’s when we wanted air, walked the golf course.
Decided to play a little golf, competitive against each other of course.
And walked over to the gazebo…
Talking about the regrets we made that night,
How we should’ve just made our pasta dinner and wine for just us.
Curled up on the terrible futon couch watching marvel movies.
Instead we gave toxic people a chance to be better,
Mature.
I told you about how I fell out of the truck trying to run as fast as I could but 3 of us needed to drink more alcohol than needed to try to be civil.
After that I couldn’t help but stare in awe of how beautiful you were.
And without hesitation, I kissed you and you kissed me.
Now here we are, I’m writing about seeing you again.
And you’re listening to my endless rabble about Spiderman theories.
And together we’re conquering the world.

Surprised to see you at my door as I am embraced,
The feeling of safety and absolute love.
A gentle smile as you make the joke about your “spider sense”
Sensing I wasn’t okay.
We sit by our fire and watching our Disney movies on the projector.
Cold crisp air broken by the warmth of each other and that crackling fire.
For a while I couldn’t stand fires, not after that Saturday morning…
“Your counselor called. Said you were off so I came back home.”
“Home? I thought North Dakota was home, for both of us.”
“My home is you, where you are.”
“How’s Liam?”
“Growing baby boy, definitely misses the all nighter gaming noises. He can’t sleep throughout the night unless I put one of your stream videos on.”
-
Campfire crackles as the winter moon lights our night sky.
It’s warmer here than we’re use to, so stargazing happens every night.
Learning the constellations.
It’s refreshing to know I don’t have to choose between the one I love and my family who isn’t perfect yet loves me all the same.
Smoke cigarettes and laugh throughout the nights.
Together we enjoy the moments that fleetingly pass by yet are frozen forever and stored in memory.
It’s interesting how far we’ve come,
Almost predestined with my fathers and your mothers side so close before.
Who knew?

Fire, the burnt rubber smell and the reek of gasoline.
Suddenly I’m back in the burning car.
This time the seatbelt is stuck,
No matter what I do I can’t get out.
I can feel my face burning hot as the flames get closer and closer.
Unbearable and immense pain.
The agony and uselessness.
And there she is, Della.
Standing outside that burning car,
Laughing smiling.
“Gotcha this time.”
Then I wake up,
My whole body feels hot and my face is drenched in sweat.
Like the dream was in fact real…
-
The nightmares differentiate
First it’s the burning car I was in just a week before thanksgiving.
Second it’s running into her house trashed and her cutting herself with the glass from the mirror.
Third it’s a wedding with her,
As she laughs in my face and runs off with someone else.
Fourth it’s the empty dark room as she’s there,
Saying repeatedly every hurtful thing she could.
The only way I can make her stop is by saying I love you,
Then she becomes this happy person.
And brings her family and friends in,
Lies straight to their faces and pretends it’s a healthy relationship or hides it.
Either way these nightmares are getting worse.
They don’t sound as bad as I’m writing on here,
Yet in reality I am tormented…

Smoking cigarettes while the campfire crackled.
“What do you feel when you think about how she hurt you? Because when I think about him, I remember the lies and the half assed love.”
I wrap my arms around you to keep you warm,
“I remember the lies too, the two faced ideology. The need for perfection, how she wanted things her way because my ways were stupid or childish.”
-
“People really do think it’s okay to just control people don’t they? I remember when I picked you up to go help her… that was scary, what scared me more was how she never saw that you only wanted to help her but she traumatized you from that first night.”
As the flashbacks started, her hand gently caressed mine.
“It’s okay, remember she only has that power or control over you if you give it to her.”
-
Before I used to think marry the one who you love & it feels right.
Now, because of her, this amazing and thoughtful, smart, kind, wonderful amazing woman,
I say Marry the one who turns back time,
To show it’s okay to be a kid again.
Marry the one who stops Time,
To enjoy the moment with you.
Marry the one who travels through time,
To plan a future with you.
Marry the one who understands and challenges you.
Luckily for me,
There’s one girl who’s able to do just those things and more.

And just like that,
All the bad stuff that ever happened…
I was thankful it did,
Because if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Stronger, wiser still comical but always trying to do better.

The world accepts my chaotic mind, for they find it beautiful.
Dancing with my demons, no more hiding.
Yet the perfect world turns dark when I’m asked those questions
“Who have you loved?
.
.
.
A girl with golden pocket brown eyes.
The one who saw me as more.
It was always her.