To many that have known me before will only ever see me as the boy I was.
Young, insecure & stupid.
Immature, childish & reckless.
Today no one knows me,
No one took the time to really see who I am or who I’ve become.
I am what they all made me bit by bit.
That young carefree & selfless boy went through hell alone,
They all played their parts in killing that boy.
One by one.
Of course they all said the same things,
You’re amazing you’ll do great things, I love you, I’ll never leave you, I won’t do anything to hurt you.
Those promises lasted about a day for some.
Today,
I like to think sometimes that they wonder how I turned out.
Then I remember they never cared so why should I?
I’ve become the ghost I never wanted to be,
But I had to become.
Now no one will ever know who I am.
Being alone, it’s better
It’s safer.

In the End,
Becoming a ghost,
Focusing on myself rather than pleasing everyone.
Truly was the right decision.
The liars exposed, selfish were knocked of their high horses.
All masks one by one all removed.
In the End,
I’m growing, healing, hard working.
All the hard work is paying off.
If only they would’ve just believed in me like I  believed in them.

How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way

It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.

She always wondering if I was just trying to be her friend because I wanted to get back together with her,
Actually they all thought that.
The truth was I felt bad for her,
When she’d call drunk as hell after they argued.
After she would tell him that she loved me and worse.
The truth is how could I ever be with someone who made me feel horrible about myself everyday.
Who always thought everything I do is never enough,
With someone who’s draining,
Mentally physically and emotionally.
Who’s very existence is selfish because no matter what you do for that person they will always find fault with you.
How could I be with someone like that?
Someone who said they loved me, lying through their smile.
Who said they’d always support me or how much they care.
When really it was only if it was convenient for them.
That happened to be never,
I was never important enough or good enough.
When in reality I was the one who didn’t deserve any of it.

Now that this new step in life is taking hold,
Now everyone will wish they’d treated me better.
They’ll regret what they’ve done.
It’s ironic because they’re the same people I gave up everything for,
Yet now I’m finally choosing to become more.
To prove to myself and all of them that I deserve so much more than they could ever give.
And that I didn’t deserve to be hurt or broken by them.