It’s amazing how something so simple can be taken out of context so easily.
Now I paint with crimson red, tracing the delicate edge of my skin.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want everything to end.
Yet this is so freeing, the intoxication of it.
I’ve been awake for three days,
I close my eyes to rest and I’m flooded with thoughts.
The ideas of what I can do with my life,
The pressures I put on myself to get there.
Knowing I worry a few good people in my life,
The anticipation of the lectures that are repetitive,
Of how apparently people know what I need to hear or what I need to do.
If they were right I would be better now wouldn’t I?
And everyone thinks it’s so easy when in reality if they even knew how much it takes to even do simple tasks.
How the judgment feels when I do the things I love,
It’s hypocritical.
Almost poetic how one moment they need me to have all the answers and the next they’re pious.
I see the world for what it is,
Maybe because I’ve been closer to death I consider him an old friend.
It’s true the floors are painted red with dark red,
Frankly I am exhausted and have no more energy for well anyone.
Now I just want to work as much as I can so I can disappear.
I’ve given people chances, some too many.
Now I truly am addicted to being alone,
The safety of it, the comfort of knowing there are no eyes peering into my soul so they can rip it out.
My uncle had the right idea, he warned me long before of how people were.
I often wondered why he preferred to live a nomadic life,
I understand now.
It’s peaceful.

It’s strange having someone check on you,
Notice the signs that it’s a bad day and instead of leaving you to your thoughts.
To have someone who checks on your family since you live there,
How instead of judging you by your past, only hopes & dreams of the future with you.
It’s a strange feeling,
Mainly cuz I know I don’t deserve her.
Yet here she is, hasn’t given up on me yet.
The craziest part was when I told her what I wanted to do for a career, all she said was okay well let’s hope whatever you get stationed we can go with you.

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice

In the midst of darkness,
Her soft voice quiets my tormented soul.
There’s no judgement, no belittling.
Instead she noticed I wasn’t doing the things I loved,
Her first response was to check on me.
And stayed on the phone as long as we could.
Saying goodnight back and forth,
Everytime getting a little quieter and softer.
Her little laugh and smile.
While the world pushes me to use anger and become the very villain I’ve wanted to escape from.
She only asks that I take a breath and rest.
My niece, her mom (my sister) and cousin all know her now, she wasn’t afraid to get to know them.
Now she knows how much they mean to me and I to them.
She met my family up north, and wants to meet my parents.
She’s gentle and kind.
It’s easy to talk to her,
It’s new.
There’s no pressure only encouragement that goes both ways.
I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us,
And I love every moment I spend with her.

Now we shall see who’s gods prevail.
Mine have been protected me all my life,
Yours have fiction.
Now watch,
I was told to be patient and patient I was.
I know death, fear anger and pain.
Now it’s my turn,
My time has come.
You talk of demons,
I’ve known them as friends.

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

It’s almost poetic,
Ones forever loved and will always be perfect and remembered.
And then there’s me.
As always there has to be balance right?
When there’s good there has to be bad.
Somehow I’m the bad one.
I’m the one who will never be accepted.
The one who’s going to always be remembered as the villain.
As the entire truth is twisted to fit both of our needs.
I see it now.
I was the perfect choice to be the opposite wasn’t I.
A stupid boy who only knew how to run or who tried too hard to be better than what he was.
A idiotic boy who was accustomed to being the one who everyone threw their blame.
A boy who didn’t know how to react to anything other than to scream out of the pain.
Who didn’t know how to even react,
Just a scared pathetic boy who reacted.
Now he’s forever the villain in your story.
Family is lie to him.
Even though he hoped and prayed every night for one.
Love is dangerous to him,
Even though he wished for the warmth of it.
Stability, happiness, joy.
All the things he wished for throughout his childhood,
The very things he envied every other person for.
There’s no chance for him.
The odds were always against him.
Yet now that he’s older & a little wiser now he realizes he was meant to be your villain. Or at least your families villain
He sees the truth.
His entire life has been for a reason,
He’s meant to be villain isn’t he?
He prayed to whatever god would listen that he could be shown what he needed to be for you.
And little did he know…
He was meant to be the villain in your story,
You deserve better, the balance.