I remember parts of my childhood,
Like how I could learn everything in my lessons fast & wanted to learn the entire book instead of stopping at the days lesson.
I remember realizing I liked listening to music because the world was so loud, I carried a CD player when I’d go grocery shopping with my parents.
I memorized everything, I could almost watch entire movies in my head my mother would tell me later that I was always zoned out.
I remember the screaming, arguments over bills and previous girlfriends or boyfriends my parents had before they got married.
Which is why I liked watching movies with the tv turned up loud, or having those cheap over the ear headphones on and my CD player.
I was 5.
By the time I was 12 I had been to more funerals of people I didn’t really know,
During this time I would have nightmares about a man wrapped in barbed wire thrown from a car, that was my uncle who died drunk cruising with his friends (this was actually my very first memory)
or the blood on the tree and in the sand. The police lights illuminating the night sky of my grandmothers house, one of the family members that lived in the house next to my grandmothers had killed the other, again drinking led to a stabbing.
Not to mention that the guy that got stabbed his wife ended up drinking herself to death too,
My last memory of her being alive was seeing her with yellow skin and eyes running into the target bathroom and throwing up in the first stall, to this day I still don’t even go near that stall.
Their kids, now orphans came to live with us.
That was another horror show in of itself.
They were demented kids, perverted and sexually abused.
The oldest boy actually sexually abused me in the back room and in my room of my once safe home, it happened a total of 17 times.
We’d go to the therapist every week for them and I’d read the pamphlets.
I even tried asking for help from my mother and even that therapist,
They all laughed and made me feel like I was crazy because kids don’t do those things to other kids.
So I learned to live with a mask,
Eventually those kids all left to be with their family who finally realized that if they claim kids they get more back on their tax returns.
When they left it should’ve been a relief,
It wasn’t.
Once again I tried to tell my mother what I went through,
I was hollow inside I didn’t know how to feel anymore I needed help…
She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong with me that I was fine.
Little did she know that i probably would’ve been a better person if she’d just listened and got me the help I needed.
Because ever since the childhood I never had, which what I’m writing is the only things I can remember the rest is a blur I just know it hurt alot,
I have never known what happiness or even any feeling other than anger or resentment felt like.
Honestly I still don’t.

“**** I miss you dude! I miss us all together and stuff ya know what happened to you?”
My response to this was
I’ve learned to be alone, I like it. You are one of many and all that left. One of the many I gave chances after chances, you came and left every time. You know it’s funny when people think we can just pick up where we left off, it doesn’t work like that. I gave too many pieces of me away. Hoping that at least one of you would actually stay and see that’s yes I do care about you I’ll be here no matter what. But you all just took the pieces of me that I gave to make yourselves feel better and when you did you left. I have no more to give. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. The world and all the people who said “they love me” have taken it all and I gladly gave it all, just so you all would be happy. Many of you don’t even realize it or care about it and that’s fine. I even distinctly remember telling everyone the same thing, About how much it hurt how I started to feel myself drain or that I was losing who I was.
And still,
Everyone’s selfish.
Now I found my peace in being alone.
It’s a comfort knowing that no one can hurt me anymore.

Love is a dangerous thing,
You can put yourself on the line over and over again because you care about that one person so much.
In the end they just leave, they’ll never know much you sacrificed for them.
They don’t care why should they?
Being alone is better.

It’s annoying how no one can grasp the idea of me being single.
Apparently “you are too cute! You’re so hot! You are literally the biggest sweetheart”
And no matter how many times I say it,
Everyone chooses for me I suppose.
Everyone else knows best.

A text out the blue,
“Hey I’m back in town…I miss you & i overreacted you didn’t deserve that, can we meet up and talk?”
At first I ignored.
Those words kept coming to life in my mind,
As if I could hear her saying the words.
Suddenly I hear the words of Della and others,
Telling me how I shouldn’t have reacted.
I started feeling the same feelings and telling myself,
“Don’t do it, everyone else makes the choices for you. They leave, you don’t get a say or chance. Everyone else knows best, everything you do is wrong. You can’t feel any emotions or show them. No one likes that, you can’t even have opinions, keep your mouth shut. Everyone else that has been in your life has all left because of you. They all say you’re the problem, you broke what you had. It’s all you. And if you meet up with this amazing wonderful woman, you’ll end up alone again once she gets tired of you. They always have a way out”
My only response to her was,
“I can’t.”
Honestly I’d rather be alone from now on,
And it’s for the best anyway

I learned that all along I was trying to be happy,
And that in the end none of them ever cared.
How could they?
I gave them the dagger hoping that they saw it was a sign of trust…
and yet instead they plunged it deep.
Now happiness is a fairytale.
Love is a cruel trick.
And I am left completely and utter numb.

I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Why doesn’t anyone understand that?