thoughts
the thought of your hand
in mine
your tongue playing tag
with mine
your bare chest
pressed against mine...
these thoughts
run repetitively
through my cerebrum
dreaming of how it
feels to take turns
with you
i taste like pineapples and mangoes
i promise
turn my reverie into reality

when i was
a child
with long hair
you called me a girl
when i was a teenager
you laughed at me
for reciting Kelis
lyrics as opposed to Nas
you symbolically & physically
beat me into submission
coercing me into
a false personality
a shell of masculinity
that appeased you
great to admire
yet hollow on the inside
you told me you loved me
but only if i loved
who i was “supposed to“
you did all this
but you still lusted
after me
i was only worthy
of your touch
in the dark
you would never
affirm me in the light
of day
but i am
no vampire
i am human
i am love
growing
through hate
transmuting cruelty
into benevolence
i am here
i have always been
and will continue
to be
you
will never erase me

i had to
get out of
there
before i
drowned
in the desert
having
swallowed
enough dirt
back to back
i was drowning
so deep in
the depths
of the desert
i craved
for water
the water i
held on to
afraid to release
the water
i was
searching for
came to
the surface
it poured
out
reviving
the barren
valley
bringing back
the greenery
it was once known
for
the greenery
it had not
felt in
so long

The trepidation
Proceeds
The precipitation
Forming clouds
Over the walls
I have built
For protection
Constructed
After my peace
Became interrupted
This is new
For me
This is natural
To you
We moved faster
Than any imminent
Disaster
Your waves
Attacked
My shore
Although
It was unexpected
You are exactly
What I have been
Waiting for
Praying for
A new set of
Keys
A brand new
Door
Let’s elope
Let’s find hope
They will say
We have lost
Our minds
I believe
This is the
Perfect time
A time to
Love
A time to
Embrace
A time to
Get lost
In space
Not literally
But figuratively
I want to
Cross
Galaxies
With you
Stargaze
Get lost in
The maze
With you
Our love
Is not bound
By this dimension
Our love
May be full of
Contradictions
One thing for certain
Is we are
The solution
To each other’s
Afflictions
This is love
Sprinkled
With
Just the appropriate
Amount of
Addiction

Why do you love
Me from a distance
Is it because I am
Unfamiliar
A deviation from
Everything you were
Told was acceptable
To love
Am I enough?
Am I too much?
I know I am
Short
Beautifully Black
Crafted
By The Potter’s
Mighty hand
Maybe it just isn’t
My time
Maybe you
Are simply
Not supposed to be
Mine
My heart is at
Home
I just want someone
Outside of myself
To share it with

born out of death
unexpectedly
the strength you had
has become the strength
i have
the strength I am still
learning to attain
you were the martyr
who taught me
the balance between
individuality & selflessness
the freedom i have found
is the freedom
you were in the midst
of seeking
you built the foundation
that i stand on
you are the blueprint
the great architect
the first
you are me
i am you

an administration
that does not admonish
the adversity personified
must be banished
until this takes place
hate will never vanish

talk to me nice and sweet
but say what you mean boy
i'm no detective
it is not my job to read
between the lines
your attraction
no matter how ashamed
you have been taught to be
is no crime
you treat me
like an option
instead of a requirement
cause at the end of the day
we both know
i am what you need
but i cannot force you
to breathe
if you keep suffocating yourself

thoughts racing
decision making
old ways fading
new dreams i am creating

the boy smiles
unconsciously
he laughs
without hesitation
he loves
naturally
gives without
expecting in return
his effervescence
is contagious
everybody loves him
nobody knows him
is he a lovable *****
or is he just misunderstood

shrouded in mystery
a quest into myself
diving into a deep state
of solitude and introspection
i see you
i know you
i am you
yet something is off
until the puzzle
that is you
reveals itself to me
i will never truly
know myself
i am calling upon
your name
from the delta
to farish street
i will forever wander
until you
show yourself
in your totality
the sorrow
the resentment
the blood
the rage
the beauty
i need to witness
all of it
i need to witness
all of it

placed flowers
on my grave for the final time
accepting that my casket
was empty
only storing
my former self
my shadow
i had risen
becoming one with the sky
elevating effortlessly
towards the sun
growing rapidly
the time i wasted
mourning the past
cannot compare
to the joy that
cometh in the morning

I crawled deep into
The cave
Before realizing
I was drowning
A river swept
Me away in its
Violent current
The tides pushed
Me deeper
I saw nothing
My lungs became full
I hyperventilated
Each moment of relief
Was followed by moments
Of hopelessness
The waters brought
Me deeper
Into the cave
Slowly, surely
I remembered I
Could swim
Not only could I swim
I could dive
The stronger the tide
Grew
The deeper I dove
Into the water
Finally reaching
The bottom
This was the point
Of life or death
I was sure of it
Then suddenly
As I swam back
To the top
I saw light
My head pierced the surface
The waves had calmed
I was no longer in the cave
I emerged on the other side
Light greeted me
I saw the shore
And I floated
Towards it
I laid on the land
Recovering
Yet grateful
This was my rebirth
This is my beginning

to all the boys i've lusted before
you were never what i needed
you were never what i deserved
you were never competent
of giving me the love
i was entitled to
the love i am entitled to
i sold myself short
giving myself a measurable discount
i kept quiet
when i wanted to yell
i played a part in this
as much as you do
i was a staple on your casting couch
i auditioned
i won the leading role
or the love interest perhaps
then i realized there
was no love there at all
no love to be interested in at least
i always had an understudy
sometimes i was aware of them
other times they came as a surprise
my heart was fractured
but not broken
to think i broke a leg
**** near every show
for you
and you
and you too
no more
i am the writer of my own production
the director
the producer
and everything in between
right down to craft services
our visions no longer align
i am finally
independent

You handpicked the name
Of our son
A beautiful one
A conception that never occurred
No apologies not even a word
But that name
Was the sweetest
I had ever heard

I grieve for our son
Even though he was
Just an idea
I grieve for our son
As if he were really here

the purple light
floated towards me
and a blaze
consumed it
the closer it came
a voice spoke
reminiscent
of the burning bush
that guided
Moses
“pack up and keep moving”
i was bewildered
She repeated
“pack up and keep moving”
initially hesitant
i felt a peace
surround me
a peace that i
internalized
a peace
that suddenly
made sense
i could no
longer remain
stagnant
in a situation
that would
only continue
dimming
my light
She knew
i knew
that the masquerade
had long been over
Her light
guided me
to higher heights
Her light
reminded me
that I was
bound for
higher ground
the sea parted
and with each
step forward
the burdens fell
with each step
i gained strength
it was as if
She
was the conduit
to God
that I had long
been disconnected
from
thank you for pushing
me
for walking behind me
beside me
and in front
of me
protecting me
from the weapons
that formed
but never prospered
thank you
for your
light
thank you for
your footsteps
that i happen
to fit
perfectly

I don’t
Drink wine
Often
At least not
Like I used to
When I am
With you
I feel no
Need to
Speed
I take
My time
Staring at
You
With
Admiration
And
Anxiety
You lead
Me to
Intoxication
While
Being in
A conscious
State of sobriety
You bring
My flowers
To the surface
You make me
Nervous
I find myself
With an inescapable
Feeling of
Service
Not like
I am indebted
To you
Or feel
Threatened
By you
But maybe
I do
You are
Too good
To be
True
But
Something
In my soul
Tells me
You
Are the
Truth

pray
talk
cry
love
***
laugh
your way through it...
...whatever "it" is

Before the world
Robs me of
My dreams
I must put
Up a fight
I cannot
Allow it
To steal
My joy
Without
A fight
I cannot
Help that
I seem
To shine
This bright

the more
one lingers
the more
one
becomes resistant to
transformation
on the other side of the game
is where abundance
will be found
but first
in order to attain
the treasure
one seeks
one must accept
that they are the treasure
themselves

Different names
Same pain
Died a thousand times
Only to become
A hashtag
Fresh tears
Same fears
Rarely a conviction
Only funeral benedictions
I have no words
To say
I have no prayer
To pray
It all seems
To be in vain
Different names
Same pain

the hurt and sadness
inside of you
has merged into
a dire form of animosity
you have mistakenly directed
towards me
your bitterness
towards me
has caused blindness
you have lost the
ability to see
that i am not the 1

i cried
when you left
not over losing you
i cried
tears of joy
because i found myself
the man i ignored
for so long
the boy who
silently waited
in my shadow
to be acknowledged
your loss
my gain

that no good man
of mine
stays returning unannounced
every time i think i
got rid of him
here he comes
knocking on my back door
sometimes he lets himself
in
i forget that he always
has a spare key
i change the locks
he just gets a new key
in the past
i would give it
to him
then i started hiding it
he found it every time
he breaks in now
with no shame
laughing at my pain
tormenting me
such a *******
he always finds me
no matter how many times
i run away

after years of
false hope
dangling karats of
fool’s gold
in my face
for years
after years
after years
feeding into
my fears
of failure
without you
by my side
weariness
set in
evolving into
bitterness
cementing itself
as hatred
which is an emotion
i never
thought i could
harbor
towards you
an emotion
i never would have
envisioned
existing between us
disconnection
is the only resolution
did you ever love me?
did you ever value my presence?
or did you just anticipate
the presents i gave
without a thought
of hesitation
new vision
has been bestowed
upon me
no longer will
i contribute
to my own
sadness
no longer will
i entertain your
madness

sweet baby
can't you see
what you mean
to me
or are you blinded
by delusion
profound confusion
a fog, a haze
you have been stuck
in this for way
too many days
creating an imaginary
maze
the restraints
are false
if you are not careful
you will lose it all

beauty will only
show up in the mirror
once you liberate yourself
from the solitary confinement
of your mind

....give it time

I am tired of
Having a
Bittersweet relationship
With myself
I will elevate others
With one hand
While beating myself
With the other

I invite your collision
No matter how fatal
The crash might be
At least we will be
Reunited on the other
Side of Heaven

Slow down
Little one
You have
Already won
Just keep walking
And talking
And praying
All while
Staying true
To who you
Are
Trust in yourself
And you will
Go far
Shine like
A star
High in the
Sky
You will
Not let
Life pass
You by
You will be
Born again
And loved
For what’s
Within
Slow down
Little one
The earth will
Turn
The skies
May cry
But you
My little one
You are eternal
You
Will never die

in order to awaken
i must first fall asleep
i must dream
i must experience
a few nightmares
i must die
in order to be reborn
why must i fear
when i know ascension
is near

I had to remind myself
That I was enough
Replacing my unworthiness
With empowerment
I gathered the audacity
To stare at my reflection
No longer would
I let myself
Die slowly
No longer was I willing
To succumb to this prolonged death
One day
I will clasp
My hands together
And feel the touch of God
Until then....
I will continue to grow
Flourishing into the garden
I have neglected
The flowers I am watering
Will no longer be placed
On my casket
These will be used
For celebrations only
For birthdays, for my wedding
For the birth of my child
For my rebirth

This place
Continues
To move
Steadily
As above
So below
I have seen
Glimpses
Of The Promised Land
I know where
I need to go
As above
So below
Growth
Does not ask
For permission
It forces you
Into submission
Until you become
Secure in your
Position
As above
So below
We are unconsciously
Interconnected
A reflection
Of one another
In this realm
Of imperfection
As above
So below
You and I
Will never know
Until we
Try
You and I
Must uncover
Our individual purpose
Before we die

You only want me
When I am accessible
When your tastebuds crave
For me
Other times
You forget that I exist
Saying you care
But if I am not
There then neither
Are you
Just because I am
A fruit
Does not mean
I hang low
You have had no hand
In my growth
Yet want to reap the benefits
The feeling of me
In your hand
My juice merging
With your saliva
The stickiness I
Leave on your fingers
The stickiness
You smell and lick
Without hesitation
I do not grow in bushes
Climb up the tree
If you really want
To find me

a basket of fruit
was all there was
to offer
in exchange for the pain
naturally sweet
we reconciled
resuming the intimacy
that was missing
for so long
agave tears
dripped
on our lips
the former resentment
we had for one another
has been transformed
into peace

i loved you
beyond sanity
beyond common sense
i would have stolen
a ******
just to give you a child
knowing you would
have followed in
your father’s footsteps
and walked out of our lives

is it financial?
is it spiritual?
is it mental?
is it truly all in my head?
this anguish cannot be seen
as it is intrinsic
fear morphs into laziness
or is it really laziness?
i don't think i need
to be here anymore
triggered sporadically
i dream of my death
so graphically
what does life have
to offer
besides treasures
that are not promised
and guaranteed heartache
my heart cannot afford
to break anymore
the sad thing is
no particular person
is breaking it

he lives in germany
but we are just friends

he lives around the corner
but he is afraid of his urges

he lives with his wife
drinking iced coffee and settling

he lives for me
but i would not die for him

he lives with his mom
so we can never meet up

he lives with demons
and i am no exorcist

he lives alone
but his heart is occupied

he lives nowhere
modern-day nomad

he lives in canada
with no desire to return

he lives in baldwin hills
but cannot afford all of his bills

he lives in south central
with no bars on his windows

he lives on the east coast
dedicated to success

he lives in the dorms
studying medicine

he lives on camera
but is dead behind closed doors

he lives....

he lives in my head
but i already know
i do not occupy a thought
in his

wishing i could
write these emotions
down on paper
or paint them
on a canvas
drained
disappointed
distorted
are just a few ways
you make me feel
but it is not
you alone
it is you
it is me
it is the boys
from the past
who have yet to
become men
stagnant beings
with peter pan
as their father figure
why do i
set myself up
repeatedly
hoping
you and the lost boys
will follow the path
out of neverland

he drives me crazy
in the best way
he elicits
emotions
effortlessly
i will follow
him barefoot
for miles
just for a
fraction of his time
in return
giving him
this heart of mine

i'm losing weight again
it's hard to force myself
to eat like a glutton
i'm not sad or anything
i just don't have the time
i stay on the run

the foundation was built on shaky ground
that sat upon ancestral graveyards
unmarked yet unable
to be disregarded
this house was painted
with my blood
which contains prostitution
anguish and ****
the pillage continues
menstruations of my foremothers
contribute to this particular
shade of scarlet
a hue that is beautiful
from a distance
even when photographed
until one experiences
the stench of it
in person
love is absent here
sorrow is abundant
but even trauma
can give birth
to splendor

This secret
Makes me cringe
Without pain
Being inflicted on me
The pain comes from within
A secret I'll try to keep
With me until I'm one with
The earth
I can't sleep sometimes
I overeat sometimes
This secret I can barely
Keep at times
They say that it's hard
To be free
And I feel like it's
Just hard to be me
The real me
Not who you see
Or what I wish I could and
Pretend to be
I look in the mirror sometimes
And if some one held me
At gunpoint
I'd be dead because
I couldn't tell you who I was
Or who I am
This secret has me doubting
Everything
My love, my God, & my dreams
Even had me angry about my sexuality
But why'd it have to happen
To me
From the time
That the hand with cruel intentions
Was laid upon me
The power that I had left
The confidence that I had left
The joy that I had left
The person that I was
Intended to be had left
So what else do I have left?
A dream, a vague image
A memory of who I was
And who I could be today
Yeah they called me names
Called me strange
Called me a freak
Among other names
From then on
I knew I had to change
Nothing about ME
Could stay the same
Yet through my transformation
And all of the frustration
I still couldn't escape the pain
Liquor only does a temporary job
**** don't do a thing
I live the life of a poor man
When I should be a king
But then again
I let you take away everything
Today I come back
To reclaim what is rightfully mine
All of the time I have wasted
And returning all of that poisonous
Hate that I have tasted
It's not going to be easy
It won't be done in the morning
But slowly
Over time
I will give myself the greatest gift
That is greater than any present
Under a Christmas tree
I will give myself the gift
Of me

I need precision
I need to make some
Revisions
Daydreams
Get me nowhere
I know I must
Wake up to go there
Swim
Across the ocean
Drive down the block
I thought I was
Under a boulder
In hindsight
It was only a
Small rock

Calamity
Follows the
Insanity
I have normalized
Far too many times
I have compromised
My own satisfaction
This was supposed
To be an enhancement
Not a detraction

We tether ourselves
Voluntarily or involuntarily
Then paint the chains gold
Wishing on 11:11
For riches untold
Little do we know
We are solidifying
The mold
When will we learn
To surrender & let go
When will we grow weary
Of rehearsing the same show
We must orchestrate our own assassination
Before we are cursed
To damnation

An ocean lies between us
Mirroring the peace
I have searched deserts for
The further away from you
I am
The further away from my memory
You go

I dreamed
About you
Last night
Into the early
Morning
You
And
I
Will never be
Anything
Ever again
But you cross
My mind
I wonder
If you have eaten
If you have a
Roof
Over your head
If it is secure
Or if it will
Cave in
At any point
If the food
You consume
Is not mass produced
I just want
To know
I just want
To know
...if you are ok

you really got married
while my finger remains bare
i still leave
the porch light on
hoping you will
be there