that no good man
of mine
stays returning unannounced
every time i think i
got rid of him
here he comes
knocking on my back door
sometimes he lets himself
in
i forget that he always
has a spare key
i change the locks
he just gets a new key
in the past
i would give it
to him
then i started hiding it
he found it every time
he breaks in now
with no shame
laughing at my pain
tormenting me
such a *******
he always finds me
no matter how many times
i run away

convulsions
overtake me
stirring my spirit
inciting me
to call you
in hopes
that you invite
me over
we have been
long overdue
for a
conversation
a conversation
with no words
nobody has
been able to
reach me
the way you
have
nobody has
had access
to do so
i don’t even
drink henny
anymore
but with you
i finish half
of the bottle
you are my paramore
you are my only
exception

after years of
false hope
dangling karats of
fool’s gold
in my face
for years
after years
after years
feeding into
my fears
of failure
without you
by my side
weariness
set in
evolving into
bitterness
cementing itself
as hatred
which is an emotion
i never
thought i could
harbor
towards you
an emotion
i never would have
envisioned
existing between us
disconnection
is the only resolution
did you ever love me?
did you ever value my presence?
or did you just anticipate
the presents i gave
without a thought
of hesitation
new vision
has been bestowed
upon me
no longer will
i contribute
to my own
sadness
no longer will
i entertain your
madness

The moment I realized
I could no longer differentiate
Between my lover and God
Was the first step
In this process of elimination
One must first admit
That they have a problem

wishing i could
write these emotions
down on paper
or paint them
on a canvas
drained
disappointed
distorted
are just a few ways
you make me feel
but it is not
you alone
it is you
it is me
it is the boys
from the past
who have yet to
become men
stagnant beings
with peter pan
as their father figure
why do i
set myself up
repeatedly
hoping
you and the lost boys
will follow the path
out of neverland

Shove me aside
In attempts to
Retain your pride
Your actions
Speak louder
Than your words
Your actions
Negate everything
I have ever heard
The lies
The denial
I feel as if
You are always
On trial
And I am the prosecutor
I thought you were
A righteous suitor
One who could
Be trusted
One who I
Lusted
After
When in reality
You are nothing more
Than a skilled crafter
Leading me on
With fictitious
Images of
Our happily ever after
I laid there
I stayed there
For far too long
To think I
Willingly composed
The notes of my
Swan song
Chose to
Ignore
Everything that was
Wrong
Attempting to rectify
What I should have
Never
Multiplied
Fearing that love
Would not be
Duplicated
Settling for
Your lazy love
Which always left
Me frustrated
So I say
To myself
Cry love cry
Although this is
The right decision
I know it
Hurts to say
Goodbye

no good at taking criticism
not because i am perfect
only because my efforts
are worth it
i possess a fortitude
that is quiet yet vigorous
seemingly passive
when in fact i am passionate
incredibly willing
to go the distance
pursuing the desires
of my heart
with a herculean
durability
that is the envy
of many
let me be
for you will see
i am giving up a lot of
the unnecessary
in order to be free

Be careful
Of the angle
You choose
To pierce
Through
Not every
Wound
Heals as fast
As you have
Grown to
Expect
Your intentions
Are good
Yet
You are oblivious
To the privilege
You carry
Subconsciously
Unknowingly
Well
There is an air
Of confidence
You possess
That makes
Many
Bow down
It is only
A costume
To you
Those closest
To you
Know the
Real you
The sad thing
Is
Deep down
You know
Already
Know the
Real you
Too

paper can be made
without having to cut my trees down
out of laziness
you are eager to obliterate
what God made

Calamity
Follows the
Insanity
I have normalized
Far too many times
I have compromised
My own satisfaction
This was supposed
To be an enhancement
Not a detraction

I need precision
I need to make some
Revisions
Daydreams
Get me nowhere
I know I must
Wake up to go there
Swim
Across the ocean
Drive down the block
I thought I was
Under a boulder
In hindsight
It was only a
Small rock

you make
me feel
like
this song
by
The Emotions
light
happy
at peace
you make
me feel
like love

i dug up the plants
you forced me to tend to
turns out
they were just weeds
absorbing the water
that would have
actually created
my garden

I invite your collision
No matter how fatal
The crash might be
At least we will be
Reunited on the other
Side of Heaven

somehow you have
climbed inside of me
and festered
infecting me
with this thing
called love
as i resisted
you persisted
breaking down my walls
of generational curses
healing
every trauma
i had withstood
you understood
that beneath the surface
i was a soul
whose intentions
were good

thoughts
the thought of your hand
in mine
your tongue playing tag
with mine
your bare chest
pressed against mine...
these thoughts
run repetitively
through my cerebrum
dreaming of how it
feels to take turns
with you
i taste like pineapples and mangoes
i promise
turn my reverie into reality

echoes of death ricochet
children wail
to no avail
fathers lay lifeless
mothers fight
not only
for themselves
but more so
for their children
where is God?
who exactly is
God?
in this moment
we are unsure
we have no clarity
for all we know
God
Is the Heaven
And
Hell
we experience
simultaneously
God may be
two sides
of the same coin
good
and
bad
in these moments
these seconds
that last lifetimes
God is
All of the above

shrouded in mystery
a quest into myself
diving into a deep state
of solitude and introspection
i see you
i know you
i am you
yet something is off
until the puzzle
that is you
reveals itself to me
i will never truly
know myself
i am calling upon
your name
from the delta
to farish street
i will forever wander
until you
show yourself
in your totality
the sorrow
the resentment
the blood
the rage
the beauty
i need to witness
all of it
i need to witness
all of it

we are
ONE
we are
unique
we are also
one of many
our presence is needed
for the greater good
love your neighbor
become selfless not selfish
healing
a new earth
will not come to pass
until we polish
the golden rule

Is this an
Actual explanation?
Or heightened
Trepidation
Surrounding
Hounding
Me
I feel good
Depending
On the hour
The minutes
The seconds
Turn tides
Like Fundy
Clouds try
To drown
Out my sunny
Days
Making moves
Steady making
Waves
Why am
I so insecure
Somehow I'm
An Aries
Ain't that
Peculiar
Sick and tired
Of signing these
Dotted lines
Not superficial
I'm just trying
To make
The climb
Feels like
Logically I'm
Not running
Out of time
….
I just feel
A little
Behind
Not trying
To romanticize
Sadness
Or be too
Dramatic
I suppressed
It all for years
Now I find
Myself in a
State of madness

the boy smiles
unconsciously
he laughs
without hesitation
he loves
naturally
gives without
expecting in return
his effervescence
is contagious
everybody loves him
nobody knows him
is he a lovable *****
or is he just misunderstood

I dreamed
About you
Last night
Into the early
Morning
You
And
I
Will never be
Anything
Ever again
But you cross
My mind
I wonder
If you have eaten
If you have a
Roof
Over your head
If it is secure
Or if it will
Cave in
At any point
If the food
You consume
Is not mass produced
I just want
To know
I just want
To know
...if you are ok

bloom
where there is
room
or bloom
where you need
to?
that is the question
i already know
the answer to

i cannot help
to bounce when
i walk
i cannot dilute
the sugar in my talk
i cannot erase the
slight sway
in my hips
or the honey
that seems to drip
from my lips
the people
turn and stare
enamored by
my curly hair
it took me
lifetimes to accept
the beauty inside
that society rejects
i keep the voodoo
in my back pocket
while storing
lustful attention
in my locket
many beg to love me
few dare to rise
to the occasion
i wonder how
i was gifted with such
persuasion

the need to escape
is beyond real
much like the struggle
this place is hazardous
a threat to my health
mentally & physically
i was never fulfilled here
although i had spells of hope
i soon began to realize
there was nothing at the end
of this rainbow
just fool's gold
keep your counterfeit
smiles to match the counterfeit dollars
you attempt to pay me with
i'd rather be paid in trident layers
than to fake another day
in this place
that is consumed with an invisible fire
it is a travesty that you are immune to the same flames
that will lead to your eradication

There is a
Sharpness
Traveling
From my
Head to
My heart
A memory
That has
Been unlocked
An image
Of who
I could have
Been
Had I not
Been blocked
Involuntarily
From being
Who I was
Meant to
Be
I feel a sense
Of mourning
Who I was
And resenting
Who I am
I could have
Had it all
I could have
Been the
Belle of the
Ball
But instead
I veered into
A dark
Garage
Until I finally
Chose to
Hit a wall
I could not
Take anymore
I can not
Stay in this
Place anymore
How does one
Reclaim their
Time
I could have
Been memorizing
Lines
I could have
Gotten my shine
I could have
Been in my
Prime
No flop era
I could have
Had
A home
On the
French Riviera
It’s not fair
But I must
Rise to the
Occasion
I must learn
How to have
Patience
I just wish
That my life
Was a daily
Vacation

They say our secrets make us sick
Well baby I’m about to **** you
Honesty is a concept you’ve yet to grasp
So you live in the dark
& cannot face the light
Cause you know you ain’t right

it has started
the beginning of
the end
the end of what
should have been
over
the beginning of
a new beginning
one that will bring
us peace
once the storm passes
the flood
has lasted well beyond
40 days
only the harvest
can follow

it is astounding
how you taste so good
but offer me no
real nutritional value
no real benefit
i just sop you up
without hesitation
without any inquisition

a basket of fruit
was all there was
to offer
in exchange for the pain
naturally sweet
we reconciled
resuming the intimacy
that was missing
for so long
agave tears
dripped
on our lips
the former resentment
we had for one another
has been transformed
into peace

i cried
when you left
not over losing you
i cried
tears of joy
because i found myself
the man i ignored
for so long
the boy who
silently waited
in my shadow
to be acknowledged
your loss
my gain

pray
talk
cry
love
***
laugh
your way through it...
...whatever "it" is

the foundation was built on shaky ground
that sat upon ancestral graveyards
unmarked yet unable
to be disregarded
this house was painted
with my blood
which contains prostitution
anguish and ****
the pillage continues
menstruations of my foremothers
contribute to this particular
shade of scarlet
a hue that is beautiful
from a distance
even when photographed
until one experiences
the stench of it
in person
love is absent here
sorrow is abundant
but even trauma
can give birth
to splendor

placed flowers
on my grave for the final time
accepting that my casket
was empty
only storing
my former self
my shadow
i had risen
becoming one with the sky
elevating effortlessly
towards the sun
growing rapidly
the time i wasted
mourning the past
cannot compare
to the joy that
cometh in the morning

Am I handsome
Am I pretty enough
Am I doing
Am I saying too much
I can only be me
But the me
They see
Is a lot
To deal with
I still got baggage
I need to sit & heal with
Meditate
Contemplate
On society
And their standards
Of this thing called “beauty”
I cannot fit into its standard box
If you cannot love me entirely
You need to kick rocks
Cause I’m a lotus
Who grew in this world
Of hard knocks

It’s like
Our worlds
Merged
Colliding
While yielding
To each
Other
A strange
Dance
Where
Turmoil
Strikes
Oil
Transforming
Into
Somethi­ng unknown
Something
Nobody has
Ever grown
At least
Successfully
Some say this
Is the recipe
For a catastrophe
But we have
The capacity
To defy
The constrictions
Resulting
From baseless
Fears
Fear
Of the end
Being near
Fear
That one
Day the
Vision
Will become
Clear
Confirming
Our theories
While revealing
The lies
Allowing
Us to
Become
One with
The sky
The sun
Follows
The moon
The sky
Is
No longer
A ceiling
For
You
And
I

you really got married
while my finger remains bare
i still leave
the porch light on
hoping you will
be there

Different names
Same pain
Died a thousand times
Only to become
A hashtag
Fresh tears
Same fears
Rarely a conviction
Only funeral benedictions
I have no words
To say
I have no prayer
To pray
It all seems
To be in vain
Different names
Same pain

i'm losing weight again
it's hard to force myself
to eat like a glutton
i'm not sad or anything
i just don't have the time
i stay on the run

moments like these
full of teeth and laughter
are as close as i will get
to Heaven
i never forget to
honor the blessings
that you embody
not everybody has this
not everybody knows what this is
this is home

I don’t
Drink wine
Often
At least not
Like I used to
When I am
With you
I feel no
Need to
Speed
I take
My time
Staring at
You
With
Admiration
And
Anxiety
You lead
Me to
Intoxication
While
Being in
A conscious
State of sobriety
You bring
My flowers
To the surface
You make me
Nervous
I find myself
With an inescapable
Feeling of
Service
Not like
I am indebted
To you
Or feel
Threatened
By you
But maybe
I do
You are
Too good
To be
True
But
Something
In my soul
Tells me
You
Are the
Truth

when i was
a child
with long hair
you called me a girl
when i was a teenager
you laughed at me
for reciting Kelis
lyrics as opposed to Nas
you symbolically & physically
beat me into submission
coercing me into
a false personality
a shell of masculinity
that appeased you
great to admire
yet hollow on the inside
you told me you loved me
but only if i loved
who i was “supposed to“
you did all this
but you still lusted
after me
i was only worthy
of your touch
in the dark
you would never
affirm me in the light
of day
but i am
no vampire
i am human
i am love
growing
through hate
transmuting cruelty
into benevolence
i am here
i have always been
and will continue
to be
you
will never erase me

I feel something for you
A need
You induce my longing
For another touch
I want to make you come
Home
Religiously like Sunday mornings
Speak your truth to me
While nibbling on my ear
Whispering prayers of peace
While you continuously
Break me open
Dividing my pleasure and pain
Equally
The angel on my shoulder
The angel in my head
Now lays next to me
In bed

Slow down
Little one
You have
Already won
Just keep walking
And talking
And praying
All while
Staying true
To who you
Are
Trust in yourself
And you will
Go far
Shine like
A star
High in the
Sky
You will
Not let
Life pass
You by
You will be
Born again
And loved
For what’s
Within
Slow down
Little one
The earth will
Turn
The skies
May cry
But you
My little one
You are eternal
You
Will never die

born out of death
unexpectedly
the strength you had
has become the strength
i have
the strength I am still
learning to attain
you were the martyr
who taught me
the balance between
individuality & selflessness
the freedom i have found
is the freedom
you were in the midst
of seeking
you built the foundation
that i stand on
you are the blueprint
the great architect
the first
you are me
i am you

You only want me
When I am accessible
When your tastebuds crave
For me
Other times
You forget that I exist
Saying you care
But if I am not
There then neither
Are you
Just because I am
A fruit
Does not mean
I hang low
You have had no hand
In my growth
Yet want to reap the benefits
The feeling of me
In your hand
My juice merging
With your saliva
The stickiness I
Leave on your fingers
The stickiness
You smell and lick
Without hesitation
I do not grow in bushes
Climb up the tree
If you really want
To find me

find me
find me
find me
so i can
find myself
i been alone
for so long
that i forget
i am
actually human
almost despondent
numb
full of sorrow
awaiting for
a new tomorrow
running against the wind
seeing who is faster
daydreaming of
my happily ever after

Why do you love
Me from a distance
Is it because I am
Unfamiliar
A deviation from
Everything you were
Told was acceptable
To love
Am I enough?
Am I too much?
I know I am
Short
Beautifully Black
Crafted
By The Potter’s
Mighty hand
Maybe it just isn’t
My time
Maybe you
Are simply
Not supposed to be
Mine
My heart is at
Home
I just want someone
Outside of myself
To share it with

We tether ourselves
Voluntarily or involuntarily
Then paint the chains gold
Wishing on 11:11
For riches untold
Little do we know
We are solidifying
The mold
When will we learn
To surrender & let go
When will we grow weary
Of rehearsing the same show
We must orchestrate our own assassination
Before we are cursed
To damnation

She stayed with
a church hat on
and peppermint candy
in her pocketbook
a razor next to her *****
flashy yet classy
cheetah or leopard print
on the off days
her voice transported
all who heard it
back to kinston, north carolina
with a mouth full of either
***** or green tea
she was an anomaly
she was a blessing
a woman who
stayed awake
to ensure her children
and their children
and their children
would have sweet dreams
dreams that would become
their reality
she was joy personified
unconditional love
i knew her
i loved her
i am her
for she is
within me
i owe her
nothing less than
undying strength
the same strength that
brought her from
the rural banks of kinston
to the cracked sidewalks
of watts
to her own home
in compton
to her final days
in the california desert
the same strength
that carried her back
home
to the loving arms
of God
and her rightful place
in Paradise