I need to stop throwing myself pity parties
Just be happy for christ sake
Just feel something
Except of nothing
But more than that emotional
I’m so done with feeling like a ******* all the time
I don’t want to be easily upset
I don’t want to be sad all the time
But I don’t know how to stop
I want to stop
But how?

I lied for you
I lied for you
I lied for you

I want to forget
Anything bad that I’ve ever been through
I wish I could forget
Nothing would matter to me anymore
I could just relax
And not be
Stressed
Or sad

It’s the end
Or at least it’s coming soon
Hopefully
The bomb has gone off
And only I am left
Because I pushed everyone away
I’m swimming in regret
I’m drowning in self-hatred
Because If I would have spoken up sooner
Nothing would be bad
If I had only done something
I literally didn’t do anything
At all
I stood there
I let it happen
I let him hurt me
And I was embarrassed
To tell
I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted me too
That he would take away my toys and yell at me
How stupid does that sound?
He takes away my computer privileges
And my DS
THAT’S what I was concerned about
THAT is why I didn’t move
Because I was afraid to get yelled at
So I let him touch my body
When I didn’t want him too
I was young and very very dumb
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live
Because maybe I’m so damaged
I could never make someone happy
I could never be happy myself
I have thoughts like that all the time
But I know I can’t act on them
Even though I want to
I’m just struggling right now
I don’t know
But I can’t sleep
I have nightmares about what happened
About the occurrences
About everything that's happened

“I don’t blame you”
“You were young”
Influenced
Verbatim
You said while still ******* me with your eyes
You called me a liar
In the same sentence, you asked me to change in front of you
Into a blue and green bikini
I asked if I could change in the bathroom
You said you wouldn’t hurt me
You were an adult
And your job was to protect me
I wonder if that’s why your daughters left
Because you protected them too much
You made me stretch out on the floor
I can’t say I was naked
But I think I was
Because you wanted me to do situps
Then you wanted to blow on my stomach
But said you couldn’t because I was too old
You asked me what the worst thing I ever did was
I panicked because I didn’t want to get in trouble with anything I said
So I said something about my friend
And how I ditched her in third grade
For another friend
You said the worst thing I ever did was lying about you watching me in the shower
When I was in fourth grade
It was weird
Because no one had ever monitored me while I showered before
No one had ever opened the curtain and directed me
I was a big girl I could’ve taken my own shower
While talking to my mom about it years later
I found out you lied
You told her you were outside the door
Not the curtain
The worst thing I ever did
Was not telling sooner

I have major depressive disorder and depressive episodes
I’ve tried so hard to dig myself out of this hole
But I’m stuck, so stressed
Even though I have nothing going on
I’m not doing anything
Ever
Just sad
I guess
I don’t know
More than that
It’s just everything
Not anything in particular
Okay, I’m lying
It’s my mom
The fact that she doesn’t even try
She doesn’t even try at all, ever
Like I wasn’t good enough for her
She doesn’t want to fight for me
She wants nothing to do with me
And I never did anything to her
I was good
I loved her
More than any scummy man could
But she doesn’t believe it
She doesn’t believe me
She hates me
Because I took her husband away
Testified and put him in prison
She sat with his family during the trial
She even testified against me
I know I should hate her
And I do more than anything
But I just want her to know
That I am worth something
At the very least
I am her child
She nursed and cradled me
I was her baby
At one point
She should care!
She should want me!
Why doesn’t she want me?

I should have said something
I should have done something
I should have done anything
But I didn’t
And I can’t help imagining
What my life would be
If I had?