I had to go through all of this
To make sure
An evil person
Couldn’t hurt
Anyone else
I just gotta keep reminding myself
He can’t hurt anyone else anymore
Even though he hurt me
To protect myself
I say
He never did this to a sixteen-year-old
When my birthday past
When I gained weight
He did this to a 150-pound girl
Not a 170-pound girl
He did this to a girl with long curly brown hair
And with short blonde hair
And pink hair
And blue
He didn’t do this to a sandy blonde brown short-haired girl
Who straightens her hair every morning
He didn’t do this to a girl who loves life now
He did this to a girl who wanted to **** herself every single day
Because of the pain, he had caused
But sitting in the courtroom
Him in front of me
I looked him straight in the eyes
And I wasn’t just that girl anymore
I was the girl who took him down
The powerful girl
The strong girl who refused to be scared
The one who didn’t let him intimidate me any longer
I’m the girl who got justice

Girl with wide eyes
Says she overdosed
They say they don’t know why
Maybe she was just upset that day
Her mother gave her a notebook
That said “Life is what you make it”
Then left her alone
She told many people
How afraid she was of her own mind
How she didn’t want to be alive anymore
How she was running out of time
But nobody listened
And now they’re all surprised
That a quiet little girl with wide eyes
Felt this way inside
Her mother didn’t care
She told her many times
Of the times when she hurt herself
Even showed her the scars
Her mother didn’t help
Ignored her cries
This wasn’t her first time
But it was by far the worst
She took an entire bottle of aleve
Then waited for her pain to be relieved
But it wasn’t, her stomach cramped and she threw up
Nine hospital days later
Her ***** was still in the toilet unflushed
The pills still in a row
Her tear-soaked note
Exactly the way she left it
No one cared to go up there
To see what she had done
No one cared until
Law enforcement got involved
She was struggling
But nobody
Heard her

I fall apart when men smile at me
I fall apart in grocery stores
On-street corners
I just have to remind myself
That they don’t want anything from me
They’re just being nice
This trauma has a grip on me
And just won’t let go
A venomous snake coiled around its prey
Suffocating me until I can’t breathe
Screaming “everything is okay”
When it’s not
You’re not there anymore
You’re in the grocery store
You’re not a scared little girl anymore

I can’t forgive her
More than that I don’t want to forgive her
I don’t want to heal according to some book
That doesn’t know me or what I’ve been through
I don’t want to read a book
That wants me to forgive, forget and accept her back into my life
Because I won’t do that
I can’t do that
Yes I’m hurt
Yes I’m angry
But I don’t want to hurt according to the guidelines
Of somebody else

You are perfect!
He tells me over the screen
Hiding my double chin
The rolls underneath my sweatshirt shaking until he finds out the truth
“Your lips are so ****”
He says they’re the first thing he noticed when he saw me
That I am perfect
Fantastic
I look like fun
That he could wrap  himself around me
And get lost for days
In the  bliss
Of not knowing who I am
In everything he sees
Which isn’t much
When I am a lot
He sees what I want him to see
My **** lips
My fantastic face
My “perfect” body

He stood ten feet tall
With shining silver armor
But for some reason today he seemed small
I won’t bleed when I fall
For you
When you couldn’t love me the way I wanted you to
That’s okay because It wasn’t your fault I fell
And bruised my knees
I sunk, Waiting for you to dive in
While you flew high
You moved the clouds to show me what you saw
The stars shone brighter because you smiled
I want to give you all of my love
When I am sinking, you fly above
I thought I was stronger
That I could hold the world above my shoulders
Without all my problems crashing down onto you
My heart is heavy
It just shows how weak I am
When I should’ve let you go
So you’ll  be happy
And I’ll try too

I can feel him over my shoulder
His body, His breath in my ear
I’ve never been holy
I cannot be saved
But I can hear him
Above me
I can feel his song
Swirling around me
I am enough
I am worthy
I have been through a lot
But sometimes it’s worth the price it pays
I’m safe
I have someone to protect me
Someone who cares about me
Who shed their love so I could find the light