I want to paint my face with makeup
Cake it on heavily with care
Then cry and ruin it all
Like the mess I am
I want people to think something when they look at me
Not just negative thoughts
“She’s ugly”
“She’s fat”
“She’s stupid”
“She thinks she’s all that”
That’s all I hear in my own head
I wish it’d stop
I wish that I could stop thinking
I wish I would stop acting like I’m stupid all the time
Because I’m not
I become what’s most comfortable for the other person
What doesn’t get me in trouble
But my existence isn’t there to make other people comfortable
I wish I could tell the little girl who was abused that she was enough
I wish I could tell the little girl with an eating disorder that she wasn’t too much
Part of me
Deep inside me
That little girl is still there
With all the things she had to go through
All the scars and trauma that was left behind
That she does matter
That she needs to keep trying
Even when she gets knocked down
One million times

Get angry
Do something
React
Move
Nod your head
Look at me
Do anything!

My truth hurts her
My mommas crying
Because I told
Locked her king away
For abusing his family
A castle of tragedy
Princess locked away in her room
Queen lighting up a cigarette
Now everybody knows
What I went through
That hurts you
Because everyone looks at you differently
My birthday is a week away
I wonder if she’ll think of me
If she’ll imagine about how I’m doing
And wish I’d talk to her
Hope that she still has the courage to ask for another chance

Pulp stain
On the rug
Red juice
Tender wounds
Break open
Peeling from skin
Crisp, fresh metal
Icy, hot flesh
Hot, burning
Explode
Red stains on the rug

Breathe me in
Just to spit me out
If you’re not going to stay
Just leave already
I’m done
But I’ve said so many times that it feels almost normal
I forgot the word No
The word go
It’s time to focus on myself
Everything me
The spaces between
Everything from the outside to the middle
I don’t need anybody
I’m fine by myself
You’re nothing to me
But once you were my everything
I saw myself in you
Now I can’t recognize my reflection
I look for you everywhere
But you’re nowhere to be found

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

She doesn’t recognize herself
She stares into the mirror
But the face staring back
Isn’t her
This girl is feral
Dangerous
Liquid poison dripping from her tongue
This girl could snap at any point
Collapse at the drop of a hat
Freak out
Then there's no going back
You’re gone
There’s no saving you
You’re all alone
Like you always were
But you’re not anymore
Dark arms pull you in closer
You feel the cold glass hitting your skin
Your eyes closed briefly now you open
She switched spots with you
You bang on the mirror to get out
But now you’re trapped with everyone else
Who’s ever trusted their reflection
Shadows in dusk
Rain in the summertime
This was not supposed to happen