This is the story of
A little girl
Who didn’t want to be a big sister
But the moment she saw my face
She knew she had to protect me
And for that I’ll always be grateful
I’ll always wish I was able to save you when you needed me
But often times when I tried I failed
Because I was too small and I wasn’t strong enough or my voice wasn’t loud enough
From the moment I saw my big sister
I knew she would be my best friend
The one I’d laugh with
The one I’d cry with
The one I would defend
Against anyone
The one who’d pick me up
When I’m down
The one who’d tell me I’m beautiful
Even when I look like a clown
The one I would make inside jokes with
The one who’d protect me
Stand up for me
The one who’d never let me go through anything alone
The sister that asked christmas morning if
I could go to the bathroom before we were locked in
The one who gave me her sandwich when we didn’t have
Any money to buy food and there were only 2 and mom had ate hers already
The only one who believed in me when no one would and actually helped me
The one who tucked me in at night
The one who made me broccoli cheese soup
The one who made me try new things
The one who took my spankings for me even though the belt would draw blood
The sister who was more of a mother to me
Then our own mother
Thank you
For being here
For being
My sister

The girl who wouldn’t have said anything
The girl who kept her mouth shut
She is gone
That girl had been through too much
Her mouth wired shut
I throw flowers at her grave
That girl
Frozen in fear
She is gone
She died, but not with my bad memories
The girl who would wear braids in her hair
The girl who was too afraid of male strangers
The little girl who was not protected
The girl with trust issues
She is okay now
She is letting go
She is healing

Trying to be the superstar
I’m trying to be the best
I can be
I’m trying to strive
Succeed
To impede the need
For break, bend, and snap
Crack under the pressure
I need to stay positive
To do my best
I can do it!
I have to do this!
I love this!
This is my life!
Don’t give up!
Yes you can!
You can do this!
Strive
Perfect
Achieve

I wish you the best
Even though you didn’t wish me the same
Even though you stole my heart and cracked it in pieces
I don’t think of you
Okay I still think of you
But lately it’s only been with bitterness
So I’ll say this once to you
I wish you the best
The very best
Even though I was doing my best
To be with you
To feel something for you
This is me getting my anger out
I don’t really care about you
But when I feel sad
I need to place my anger, sadness on something
But I wish you the best
I genuinely hope you’re doing better
But I don’t care to check up

She believed
When no one else would
She cared
When I didn’t even care
I remember that girl
Who was scared
But brave at the same time
Who got pushed back
But took two steps forward
A girl
Who tried to be her best
Nicest to all
Even when her life was falling apart
Even when someone wronged her
She loved like no one could imagine
Forgiving those who hurt her
Wronged her
She is the sweet
Girl who took care of everyone
I’m proud of her
She’s come so far
In the 23 years
She’s come to find
Peace in herself
In her body
In her life

My mother’s love is a burning house
It’s a white picket fence trampled in the dirt
My mother used to love us
She cradled my sister and I in her arms
She once told me she had a dream that we were both babies and she carried us one on each arm
My mother didn’t care if we got hurt
Only if it affected her in some way
She always talks about the “good old days”
Before we could talk before we could walk before we could give her our opinions
I know my mother loves me
Deep down in my soul I know she really does
I think in some deep hidden part of her she does feel bad for what she’s done to us
What she’s let happen to us
I love my mother but I don’t trust her anymore
I don’t trust her to make decisions for me
I don’t trust her to not let anyone ever hurt me
Because I know she just goes along with the crowd
When my mother’s feelings are hurt
She won’t talk to us
Even if all she’s hearing is the truth
Even if she’s heard it a million times played backwards
A broken record that she’s lived through
My mother doesn’t like the truth
It doesn’t paint her in a very pretty picture
She doesn’t want to talk about it  or think about it
And in some ways I understand that
But some things need to be talked about
Some things need to be out in the open
Before they burst and explode
And only people are left
Crying
My mother took care of us as babies
At least that’s what she said
We could see in pictures
Our earnest begging eyes
Staring up at her
Wanting more and more from her that she couldn’t give
I love my mother and through all of this, everything
I just want her to know that

My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet