I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence

Twenty two minutes
An hour
Ten days
How much longer with this last
In this body
Trapped in this mind
How much longer till I break free
The negativity is breaking me down
Weighing me down
Sinking into the deeps of the ocean
Descending to the core of the earth
When I am no longer in this body
When I am somewhere
The earth doesn’t call home
I’ll know, deep in my soul
That I tried my best
That everything I’ve done
And everything that I am
Happened for a reason
When I go
Where science doesn’t back up
I’ll be okay
Because in the end I always am

He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got

I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?

I have to see him
He’ll sit at the same table as me
If my mom is there
I think I’ll ball
I have to be brave
I’m afraid I’ll cry
His eyes are so cold
And angry
And scary
I have nightmares about them
About him
And what happened
Him screaming at me
To shut up
That I’m lying
That nothing I ever do is good enough
That not even my own mother could love me enough
I have to be brave
Even though every day I want to cry
Even though i’ve been skipping meals when I’m upset
Even though everytime I think about it or speak about it
The words ***** out of my mouth
And I’m okay
I’m fine
I’m crying
I’m brave
He’s not here
He can’t hurt me
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m okay I promise
I’m not bleeding on the inside
I’m not having flashbacks
Okay I am
Every day
Every minute
That’s all I can think about
But I’m okay
I’m fine
I promise

My mother loved all the wrong men
She always loved the ones who didn’t love her back
Didn’t care enough to call
Ones that didn’t like us
Her children
It’s wicked
Twisted
How the world could deny my mother of the love she truly desired
Love from us wasn’t enough
Every man she’s been with
Has abused her
Beat her
Cheated on her
And everything that has happened to her has happened to us
Her own children
She stood back and watched
Waited until it was over
Then climbed in bed with the men who hurt us
She’s wicked
She’s twisted
But she’s not
She always seemed like the victim in all of this
But we were the victims
And She was the accomplice
Wicked
Twisted
I know

It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again