She believed
When no one else would
She cared
When I didn’t even care
I remember that girl
Who was scared
But brave at the same time
Who got pushed back
But took two steps forward
A girl
Who tried to be her best
Nicest to all
Even when her life was falling apart
Even when someone wronged her
She loved like no one could imagine
Forgiving those who hurt her
Wronged her
She is the sweet
Girl who took care of everyone
I’m proud of her
She’s come so far
In the 23 years
She’s come to find
Peace in herself
In her body
In her life

My mother’s love is a burning house
It’s a white picket fence trampled in the dirt
My mother used to love us
She cradled my sister and I in her arms
She once told me she had a dream that we were both babies and she carried us one on each arm
My mother didn’t care if we got hurt
Only if it affected her in some way
She always talks about the “good old days”
Before we could talk before we could walk before we could give her our opinions
I know my mother loves me
Deep down in my soul I know she really does
I think in some deep hidden part of her she does feel bad for what she’s done to us
What she’s let happen to us
I love my mother but I don’t trust her anymore
I don’t trust her to make decisions for me
I don’t trust her to not let anyone ever hurt me
Because I know she just goes along with the crowd
When my mother’s feelings are hurt
She won’t talk to us
Even if all she’s hearing is the truth
Even if she’s heard it a million times played backwards
A broken record that she’s lived through
My mother doesn’t like the truth
It doesn’t paint her in a very pretty picture
She doesn’t want to talk about it  or think about it
And in some ways I understand that
But some things need to be talked about
Some things need to be out in the open
Before they burst and explode
And only people are left
Crying
My mother took care of us as babies
At least that’s what she said
We could see in pictures
Our earnest begging eyes
Staring up at her
Wanting more and more from her that she couldn’t give
I love my mother and through all of this, everything
I just want her to know that

My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet

I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence

Twenty two minutes
An hour
Ten days
How much longer with this last
In this body
Trapped in this mind
How much longer till I break free
The negativity is breaking me down
Weighing me down
Sinking into the deeps of the ocean
Descending to the core of the earth
When I am no longer in this body
When I am somewhere
The earth doesn’t call home
I’ll know, deep in my soul
That I tried my best
That everything I’ve done
And everything that I am
Happened for a reason
When I go
Where science doesn’t back up
I’ll be okay
Because in the end I always am

He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got

I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?