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Nola Leech Nov 2019
I have to see him
He’ll sit at the same table as me
If my mom is there
I think I’ll ball
I have to be brave
I’m afraid I’ll cry
His eyes are so cold
And angry
And scary
I have nightmares about them
About him
And what happened
Him screaming at me
To shut up
That I’m lying
That nothing I ever do is good enough
That not even my own mother could love me enough
I have to be brave
Even though every day I want to cry
Even though i’ve been skipping meals when I’m upset
Even though everytime I think about it or speak about it
The words ***** out of my mouth
And I’m okay
I’m fine
I’m crying
I’m brave
He’s not here
He can’t hurt me
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m okay I promise
I’m not bleeding on the inside
I’m not having flashbacks
Okay I am
Every day
Every minute
That’s all I can think about
But I’m okay
I’m fine
I promise
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother loved all the wrong men
She always loved the ones who didn’t love her back
Didn’t care enough to call
Ones that didn’t like us
Her children
It’s wicked
Twisted
How the world could deny my mother of the love she truly desired
Love from us wasn’t enough
Every man she’s been with
Has abused her
Beat her
Cheated on her
And everything that has happened to her has happened to us
Her own children
She stood back and watched
Waited until it was over
Then climbed in bed with the men who hurt us
She’s wicked
She’s twisted
But she’s not
She always seemed like the victim in all of this
But we were the victims
And She was the accomplice
Wicked
Twisted
I know
Nola Leech Nov 2019
It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I could hear him crumpling paper behind me as I talked
Scribbling on a piece of paper furiously
His face was bright red like a tomato
And his fist were balled in anger
I have to remind myself that he can’t hurt me anymore
That he’s not watching me
That he’s not following me
I’m not scared
I’m not scared
But I am
I’m not
I’ll never be there again
I’m fine
You’re fine
Everything’s fine
So why are you crying?
Stop
Just everything
Stop
I don’t want to hear it anymore
Stop it
I’m fine
I’m perfect
I’m okay
I’m everything
I’m nothing
I really don’t know
This doesn’t mean anything
It’s just me and my thoughts
And everything I’ve ever said and done
Things that had been done
And things that have not been done
And everything in between
Sometimes It’s hard being a teen
Or just a person in general
Nola Leech Nov 2019
It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning
Nola Leech Nov 2019
There’s nothing to be said
But so much I wanted to scream
Angry, punching walls
Breaking down the doors that separated her from the outside world
She was crazy
It was getting harder to breathe
Under the water, trapped in a small room getting smaller
You felt like you were going to explode
All the things you wanted to say stuck inside your brain like a melody
But only nonsense spilled out onto the carpeted floor
He’s angry
But you didn’t say anything
He screams at you to speak
But your eyes are glued to the floor
And your lips stuck shut
You’re shaking
But he can’t see that
He’s staring at the reflection of himself in your eyes
But for some reason he can’t see how terrifying and unreasonabele he is
She can see everything around her start to move
Shaky, dizzy
Suddenly she’s on the ground
The sky spinning above her
She’s never felt like this before
So out of control
Crazy
You can hear the voices of people
But you don’t see anything
You look around
But it is only you
Like it always was
Breath in shallow gasps
I turn around
He’s gone
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I feel so useless
I feel so
So
I don’t know
Stupid
Dumb
Worthless
If I can’t do this
I can’t do anything
It’s easy to hate yourself
So I’ll try not to
Just like I thought I was trying today
I hate everyhting
But I also don’t
I just hate right now
The spaces between right now
Before and after
I hate the silence after something you just said
And you didn’t think anything of it
But then you relize that you messed up
And you can’t take it back
Now everyone is going to remember it
Think judgement on you
But everythings fine
It’s fine
You’re fine
But if you’re not fine
That’s fine too
You’re not stupid
It just feels that way

— The End —