Surely goodness and mercy
Shall follow me All the days
Of my life because you Lord
Have set a table before me
In the midst, in the presence
Of those who love, loath, and
Loves to hate me and my family!!!

Frameless pictures
Flying high
Miles of cloudy
Disclosers
Your highness
Mental infarctions
Protecting viperz
Venomous thoughts
Thotfully planning
To take over her worldz
One pinky'z brains
At a time!

I beat up on myself
Far too much
Blackened blues
Blews and black
Like ***
Somedays ***
I'm muthafauqin
Team far too much...

Started insulting
Myself first as a child
As a way to protect myself
So when I heard the hate
Out loud, it wouldn't really
Bother or affect me
That was such a farce
I didn't know better
Had no counseling, or counselors
Just abusive negativity
Served hot, cold, or indifferent
On every single silver plated
Platter.
Even as an adult
It has made my life's
Decision-making processes alone
That much more questionably
Harder.
As a mom myself, I regret
Inadvertently passing that
Level of hatred effortlessly
To my daughters.
And have had to try even harder
For my own self esteem
To recover.

Tried to live up
To expectations
Of myself more than once
More than twice even more
Times than thrice never delusional
Stupidity"$ not synonymous with nice
My kindness has been taken as though
There's more weakness than just in my
Joints! Joining stronger ligaments
Seen, unseen, knowingly unknown
Tried to live down
To expectations of others
Unable to un hear thoughts unheard
Every single spoken and unspoken
Wordy unworthy word!

I feel lost most days
Like my mind is not my own
Like I'm soooo far gone
A stray if you will
Trying to simply find
Acceptance of myself for me

Deep in my epiphanies
My mind's eyes can't help
But see what and who
You think you perceive of me
The God in me notices no bigger
Flawed being to be
Perfect for all my purposes
Created in the image
We only aspire to see beyond
On the throne of my heart
Where only the treasures
Of the pieces of my peace dwell
I let you in, ignorant to
The fact that I opened
The gates to my own living hell...

I am going to
Learn to love myself
To the point of liking me
No matter how long it takes
Spent many years many tears
On people and things lost
Surrounding myself in the
Chaos of their lives and living
To avoid the sounds of
My own detriment
All the negativity
That riddle peaceful thoughts
Hateful curses assumed
To be my demise
If not for the price of blood
True honest love
Is God's peace in my life

Trying to come to terms
With being loved
Treated justly justifiably right
Respectively respected
Comfortable communications
For the rest of my daze
Even if only in this lifetimes life
Taking time to honestly
learn to appreciate each other
Some real realizing ****
I'm not entitled to the GOD in YOU
Truly measured wealth
Earnest knowledge only WE2
Knowing the me I hide
From shining through
Fearful of letting me get so into U
Fearful of anymore hurt
Least of all
Birth from perceived truthz
Repressing **** isn't
Something I like
It's juzt something
I was taught to do.
Trying so hard to change
Until I recognize Myselves in ME!!!

Double doses
Quenching my every thirsts
Only daily bread
Earnestly prayed for
Or could ever longingly need
Food for my burning zoul
Feed me til I
Needingly no quiero mas
Surfacely speaking to my core
Knowing only
One thing's
Certainly sure
One mindedness
In We hearts iz why WE love
Is so Unbreakably strong...

Storytelling to be accepted  
Well known, loved or even liked
Knew of the dearly departed well
Kept talking their wayz
Straight into the spit fyahz of hell
No earthly  water could quench
No human can tame abundances
Of their own demise
Living and dying by what lyez
Insides the windows and doors
To their own zoul'z trapping
By way of dropping mics
Katana sharpened doubled edges
Rearranging story lines
Piercing through the
Balderdash of wordy words
Divulging devilishly
Black or White, big or small
Embellishments or omitance
If it ain't the whole
And nothing but
Beloved WE far too old
To not know deceit lies in lies
Wagging  tounges
Taking our own Livez.
Speak to be listened to, Stop talking to be herd!!!

When it's meant to be
Isn't it supposed
To be a little easier than this?
These are most certainly not
The sheets on the bed that I made
How dare I lie here
As we lay here
Can you pay a little attention
To the very little details
Of little ole me
Just you and I
The focal point of
US never eating soggy waffles EVER! Come up to the level WE
This song in my head
Is relentlessly unashamed
Playing on repeat
This stranger gracing my bed
Introduced himself very well!

Love
Has no greater introduction
Than a home cooked meal...

Every step I take
Away from you
Got me groaning
In the spirit
JE shade of blue
Forgiveness from
Heaven's throne of grace
Is why I could never
Throw my life away
Living in and only
God for the glory of you

Even though
Time after times
These subconscious
Strollz through
These mental valleys
Of the shadowz
Of my many deaths
If I don't do what's right
I fear no evil ever
Living is not living
Unless it is pleasing
In the sight...

The person one is
When no one seems
To be watching
Is truly who they really are

I love myself
And it is written
God loves me!!!

This glorious life spoken of
When deciding to follow Christ
Is it not written or understood
That the Lord, and savior
Innocent in flesh manifested
Was arrested and tried
At night, no jury of his peers in sight
Made to wear a crown
Of thorns, while carrying
The very same cross
Ulimately strung to and hung upon
Defeated foe, lastly laughing
Yup satan just knew he had him
But when the temple Jesus spoke about
Was rebuilt in just three days
The devil lost ALL his power
Over hell, death, and the grave
All that, was done so long ago
So that today any and everyone
By faithful grace, from
Ourselves may be saved...

Suicidal ideologies
That cross our minds
No necessary apologies
For the frustration
Of wanting the pain
To simply be eased
Stopping the spread
Of dis eased thoughts
Of angry hurt
How many ways are
The possibilities
Dying by the hands
That took an oat
To not harm
But to only heal...

Caught a fish two days ago
Fishing is very rewarding
I have decided
If I  am to be a looser at life
As some of my hateful
Supporters suggest
And suggested
I will be a happy looser
Since my choices are mine to make
Is being caught in a 22
For my sake
I just pray
The right decision is made
Because accepting responsibility
Means placing blame on no one!!!

It's not easy
Living a Christ like life
God please I can't do anything
Without your guidance or help
Lord I'm not sure if
I'm doing things right
If I'm loving my neighbor
If I am as forgiving as I can
Especially wantingly needing Forgiveness for myself
I have no clue if my heart is pure
We ALL sin, and fall short
I know of that for sure
So how can I put my hands
To the plow and never look back
Boldly say for Christ I live
And Christ I die and seriously
Mean to mean it as I was taught?

In black and white
I leave the best and
Worst parts of me
Pieces that hide
In plain sight of
My oxymoronic peace
Raw emotional dis eases
Buried amongst illuminations
Of light's invisibilities
While somewhere along the way
The best and worsts of me
Is being left in black and white
For chosen and unchosen
Selected and unselected to critic...

I feel so under qualified
When there are things
The Most High asks me to do
I'm always telling
My heavenly father
That I'm so broken
Asking are you sure
You want me to use?
I usually get the response of
If not you my beloved
Who would you rather me choose
And if not the broken
Who do you suggest I use???

The valleys of
The shadows of dying
Doesn't one bit scare me
Since grace and mercies
Renew daily for the
Protection of my peace
The living word assures
That I am a creature of worship
No battle scars to find
My sword of the spirit
Knows no surrender
Beyond humbled kneeology...

I  cannot keep lying to myself
I have been behaving like a fool
For far too long of a time now
None of this stress serves a purpose
To my health or my life
And since the enemy of my soul
Seeks to have me **** myself
To an eternal hell of many regrets
I have to do better than continue
To allow myself to be a volunteer
Of a bitter existince.
While hating anyone
There is no energy left to
Love myself, because negativity
Is so very draining.  I choose to
Let go of hating you,  while I start
Allowing myself to love who God
Knows I'm created to be...

Reaping the bitterness
Of seeds sown
Weather by my own hands or
Curses trickling
Down to seven generations
All because disobedience
In trying to at once
Serve more than one
Mastering none!

I find myself
On the perpetual
Potter's wheel
Make me over again
Is my soul's song's plea
Longing to be whole
Every aspect of me
Walking a circumspect life
Is by far no easy fete
So for God I live
Cause Christ layed down his life
Without even knowing me!!!

Remember the day
You asked me
Who would want me now?
Was about 6 months pregnant
With our gorgeous oldest
On bed rest getting big as hell
Feeling alone, lonely and very ugly
So sad, cause that was just
5 weeks after we got married
Since then constant
Verbal abuse, made me
Regret the very air you breathe
You set out on a journey
To try hard to destroy me
Good luck with that
I pray your best existence
Despite the hellish demise
You wish for me...

If I was to just
One more time
Have una mas tiempo
Please, por favor
You hate to see me
Ask longingly
Begging is beneath me
So I'm pleading passionately
When you peer into
The windows of my inner sanctum
See me! I am real you know
Imperfect perfection
This lub dub, is no artificial spark
It's a real heart with it's very own
Emotional heart beat...

See me for who I am
Don't just hear me for My Roar
My bite is far more vicious
I am the one and only
Many versions of me the
Only I and me that is myself above the zhe that is and no one else
See behind the eyes that see  
The pupil that is me
I'm living and learning
The only final stance
Is giving up the ghost within me
   Christ-like no crosses but my own
To bear!
Well done my good And
Faithful servant. As it is written
Is what I intend to hear...

Its a yearning
This loving lust
To once again
Taste the bitterness
Of your zoul
Taking
A morsel of your spirit
You know I can only
Enjoy you in doses
Binging would be sure death
A heavenly haven
My exhausted war struck
Heart
Will welcome one sweet day
What you call love is so toxic
I know I am not to blame, but
It is I who have yet to learn
Just how easy it is to
Simply let go and let God...

Tiny your hands
Fit so safely in my palms
Committing no crime
I'm gratefully enamored
You were the bandits
Responsible for stealing
This heart and love of mine

Not sure if
I want to kidult today
This ridiculous ***
Double standard adulting
Keeps constantly
Getting in the way of
My partying's bullshitting ways
Of course you can have
This puzzling conundrum
Posing as my best existence
Fix it and put it together nicely
All I need, is to examine
It  thoroughly before
You can even think
Of giving it back...

Crying yesterday's tears
Carrying tomorrow's fears
Leaves me where today
And what is to be
The condition of my
Forevermore
If I can't possibly
Stop feeling
This horrid way???

I stay in prayer
Cause fact is I know
If dont know body
Knowingly knows
Just how effectual
A fervent prayer really is
To need something
No man or woman
Can be able to ever give
No one can possibly
Measure up to
Who's idea of perfect
But in one's own eyes
After the God unseen
But not uknown
Pay attention I AM
Is Mr Most High
Internationally known
Forever heavenly minded lifestyle
It ain't never ever been
What you can or can't  do for me
Almighty master above all
Your servant hears your voice
Now How May Your Humbled
Servant be of service to thee???

Running far and wide
Looking for a place
To tuck this weariness
There's no getting away
From the only me
I'm created to be
Still staring in mirrors
At this stranger
Looking back at me
Years of just peering through
Familial unfamiliar eyes
Naively believing every
Big and little non omitted lie
This anger waging war inside
Justifiably unjustified
Would it be to turn to rage
The hateful poison
Which could bring peace
If only I would lay down and die...

The seeds of bitterness
You planted and hoped
Would fully grow
To hateful thorns
That one day
Choke the life and beauty
From the bossom
Of this orchirose
Are only watered
With my fervent prayers
Of your betterment
Because the greater
Aspect of me
Dwells within
And keeps me from
Haughty prideful sin...

It's my mind
I'm making the
Decision to loose
Try finding my mental
Sensibilities, you so choose
Trust it's blown
Long before you got here
Follow the trail of thoughts
All untraveled roads lead home
Guaranteed! Zhe left cluez...

Cried for and over you many
Lonely days and restless nights
Trying hard to forget
The way you look in everything
That fitz you just right
Needing una mas tiempo
To make sure you knew
I know you can be the only one
In this universe created
To be loved by me and only me

Hurtful soul
Broken spirit
Every single cracking crevice
Please let the lights of moon and sun
Back in, meltimg winters of
Cold bitter loneliness
Finding yourself ever
Is just a matter of where to look
Dear Lord, here's my existence
I'm begging please, guide me!!!

Who the hell
Want to be like this
Feel like this
This hateful bliss
A mirage if you will
Of wanting and needing
To be accepted
For whom's I is
A thousand days to me
Is likened to one day
To the Most High king
So I will continue to wait
Cause my waiting on God's timing
Is never waiting in vain...

I just want to write
Just for a little while
See what room or rooms
This gift will open for me
No matter what it's about
All I want to do if only
Just for a little while
Is to leave my soul
On black and white
And seriously, just write...

What is my way out?
Every man Jack
Have no clout
Talking sideways
Hush uno mouths
They can keep digging
Through long and shorts of it
While I am climbing out
Bottom of the barrels
Only God and I know
How my knees bow low
Praise is what I do
Far longer than forever
Yielding to your perfect will
Until Well Done  belongs
To the rest of my soul's days...

This piercing war cry
Bellows deep within my soul
Hold on to the alter
Don't let go, until you
Let God make you whole.

You are pathological
At your worstest best
Lying is sport and a hobby for you
Weather awake or at rest
Please be mindful though
Whatever is done in the dark
Has a way of coming to light
Experience should have
Already taught you so...

Don't need you
Longingly wanting though
Every passionate thing
Ever done by us
More than just twice
Bellybutton and below kisses
Throat coating magnitudinal
Expressions of magnificence
Desiring long after this
One presented gift of OUR lives.

Loving you
Is far more work
Than loving myself
Fact is. I'm learning...

No one
Likes to feel used
But everyone
At some point in their lives
Uses someone
Even if it's that person's choice
As children of God
We ask God to use us
But get very upset nonetheless
When WE are used by people
Thoughts with the hmmm effekt...

This heart can't afford
To allow hurt to make it
Full of hate, bitterness, or anger
When betterment only makes
Decisions moving forward better

Of course I am different
I'm supposed to be
Imagine how chaotic
Existing would be
If everywhere I looked
I saw your exact face
And everyone you see
Looks exactly like me?