Tearful years
I put myself through
Slipping, tripping
Falling for all
Not standing tall over you
Dominion and Power
Inherent heirlooms
Meager mynded shattered
No reflected thoughts
This dye mound winz
Color you bad
My ***** you lose...

Humbling myself
Highest elevation one could go
Burying myself
Deeper than Bill's killing
Is the only way for me to grow
Imploding Pheonix'$ glow
Weathering high flamez or low
True blue, dem cloudy skies BoB
Is ALL for me,of course you too
Never a more natural day
Than when these mind's eyes
Speak truthful truthz!!!

Dis bad *****
Not smelling like smoke
Me tip toeing through hell?
Not now! Not ever folks!
Walking in Satan's front door
Violating Hades throne
Coming for what's mine
Waging war in hates house
Till heaven calls me home
These blezzingz given
Aren't mine to let go
Cause All I am and have
Belongs to God and God alone!!!
Faktz, I'm humbly grateful...

It's not easy
Living a Christ like life
God please I can't do anything
Without your guidance or help
Lord I'm not sure if
I'm doing things right
If I'm loving my neighbor
If I am as forgiving as I can
Especially wantingly needing Forgiveness for myself
I have no clue if my heart is pure
We ALL sin, and fall short
I know of that for sure
So how can I put my hands
To the plow and never look back
Boldly say for Christ I live
And Christ I die and seriously
Mean to mean it as I was taught?

I feel so under qualified
When there are things
The Most High asks me to do
I'm always telling
My heavenly father
That I'm so broken
Asking are you sure
You want me to use?
I usually get the response of
If not you my beloved
Who would you rather me choose
And if not the broken
Who do you suggest I use???

What is sad
Is that someone else
May benefit from ALL
The time I wasted loving you
Hoping, wishing, praying
Begging, needing, just wanting
You to treat me the way I
Knew in my heart of hearts
I deserved, or at the very least
Treat me how you want to be
Treated yourself, or hell just
Treated right...

Conversations I can't
Nor do I want to unhear
My gurlz 9 yrs apart
My youngest's curiosity
Becons, ***** what's that
My oldest, a big bowl of nothing
In a funny voice
I'm just so grateful to be
To exist here and now
Their fathers only dream
About moments like these
Yes I am blessed
Being able to raise myself
On many levels
I get to see different
Aspectz of me!
Mommy luv it

What you do for others
Don't expect the same
To be done to or for you
By the very same people
Growing up, I'd often
Hear my mother say
Was that the bitterness
Of disappointment
Or are things in life
Really just that way?

I beat up on myself
Far too much
Blackened blues
Blews and black
Like ***
Somedays ***
I'm muthafauqin
Team far too much...

Saved by faith
This sinner found
A hiding place
At the foot of the
Throne of mercy's grace
Bowing only in the
Presence of holiness
Trusting that one day
I can see God face to face...

The valleys of
The shadows of dying
Doesn't one bit scare me
Since grace and mercies
Renew daily for the
Protection of my peace
The living word assures
That I am a creature of worship
No battle scars to find
My sword of the spirit
Knows no surrender
Beyond humbled kneeology...

ALL chaos
Good bad
And indifferent
Begins and end
With mothering
Good, bad, or not...

If I keep
Looking for you
How, when and where
Would I even begin
To find the me lost within
The subconscious of my
Existential chasings???

I trust you
To be my everything
Matrimonial bliss
Bridez groomingz
Equated wizdumbz
Of proverbial foolishness
Slow strolling
To destiny'z kiss...

The heart
Of this hero will live on
Far longer
Than dust to ashes
This flesh
And these bones
The mourning after
Tearful cerimonies
Skipping to
Lub dubbing sounds
And massive
Welcoming praises
Shouting, my good
And faithful servant
Well Done!

Tribute to loved ones, not lost!
Juzt moved on!!!

Suicidal ideologies
That cross our minds
No necessary apologies
For the frustration
Of wanting the pain
To simply be eased
Stopping the spread
Of dis eased thoughts
Of angry hurt
How many ways are
The possibilities
Dying by the hands
That took an oat
To not harm
But to only heal...

It's my mind
I'm making the
Decision to loose
Try finding my mental
Sensibilities, you so choose
Trust it's blown
Long before you got here
Follow the trail of thoughts
All untraveled roads lead home
Guaranteed! Zhe left cluez...

My level of crazy
Is not easily dealt with
Treated or diagnosed
Usually not concerned though
It's the aspects of insanity
Which worries me the most
That doing the same thing
Over and over the same way
Expecting betterment
Knowing the outcome
May very well be worse.

When it's meant to be
Isn't it supposed
To be a little easier than this?
These are most certainly not
The sheets on the bed that I made
How dare I lie here
As we lay here
Can you pay a little attention
To the very little details
Of little ole me
Just you and I
The focal point of
US never eating soggy waffles EVER! Come up to the level WE
This song in my head
Is relentlessly unashamed
Playing on repeat
This stranger gracing my bed
Introduced himself very well!

What is my way out?
Every man Jack
Have no clout
Talking sideways
Hush uno mouths
They can keep digging
Through long and shorts of it
While I am climbing out
Bottom of the barrels
Only God and I know
How my knees bow low
Praise is what I do
Far longer than forever
Yielding to your perfect will
Until Well Done  belongs
To the rest of my soul's days...

I am so angry at myself
Every time I get one step
Closer to getting out.
Feels like I'm being dragged
Back to your hell
Ugh our contentious bond
We both know it very well
Running  fast forward
To your finished linez
Sick of feeling alone
Being with you, all the time

Frameless pictures
Flying high
Miles of cloudy
Disclosers
Your highness
Mental infarctions
Protecting viperz
Venomous thoughts
Thotfully planning
To take over her worldz
One pinky'z brains
At a time!

I stay in prayer
Cause fact is I know
If dont know body
Knowingly knows
Just how effectual
A fervent prayer really is
To need something
No man or woman
Can be able to ever give
No one can possibly
Measure up to
Who's idea of perfect
But in one's own eyes
After the God unseen
But not uknown
Pay attention I AM
Is Mr Most High
Internationally known
Forever heavenly minded lifestyle
It ain't never ever been
What you can or can't  do for me
Almighty master above all
Your servant hears your voice
Now How May Your Humbled
Servant be of service to thee???

Deep in my epiphanies
My mind's eyes can't help
But see what and who
You think you perceive of me
The God in me notices no bigger
Flawed being to be
Perfect for all my purposes
Created in the image
We only aspire to see beyond
On the throne of my heart
Where only the treasures
Of the pieces of my peace dwell
I let you in, ignorant to
The fact that I opened
The gates to my own living hell...

I need your help
To break the hold
This life has on me
Living a right just life
Just rightly is not
Only my soul's desire
It's what my innermost
Being is fearfully
And wonderfully
Created to be...

I will bear
New mentalities
I will raise
New awareness
I will see
New determinations
I will be
Greatness discovered
I will have
Strength and courage
I will become
A whole transformed beast...

The person one is
When no one seems
To be watching
Is truly who they really are

See me for who I am
Don't just hear me for My Roar
My bite is far more vicious
I am the one and only
Many versions of me the
Only I and me that is myself above the zhe that is and no one else
See behind the eyes that see  
The pupil that is me
I'm living and learning
The only final stance
Is giving up the ghost within me
   Christ-like no crosses but my own
To bear!
Well done my good And
Faithful servant. As it is written
Is what I intend to hear...

Cried for and over you many
Lonely days and restless nights
Trying hard to forget
The way you look in everything
That fitz you just right
Needing una mas tiempo
To make sure you knew
I know you can be the only one
In this universe created
To be loved by me and only me

Doing rat ****
In ratcheting ratty
Uneighbourly hoods
Try looking carefully
Before biting Eve, cause
That one poisoned apple
Made the whole lot of them
Rotten to their core, yup
Absolutely NO ****** good!

Eyes bloodshot and hurting
Still the tears won't stop falling
Struggling to forgive others
Because I struggle so very hard
To forgive myself and believe
That God has truly forgiven and loves even me...

Love
Has no greater introduction
Than a home cooked meal...

Started insulting
Myself first as a child
As a way to protect myself
So when I heard the hate
Out loud, it wouldn't really
Bother or affect me
That was such a farce
I didn't know better
Had no counseling, or counselors
Just abusive negativity
Served hot, cold, or indifferent
On every single silver plated
Platter.
Even as an adult
It has made my life's
Decision-making processes alone
That much more questionably
Harder.
As a mom myself, I regret
Inadvertently passing that
Level of hatred effortlessly
To my daughters.
And have had to try even harder
For my own self esteem
To recover.

This glorious life spoken of
When deciding to follow Christ
Is it not written or understood
That the Lord, and savior
Innocent in flesh manifested
Was arrested and tried
At night, no jury of his peers in sight
Made to wear a crown
Of thorns, while carrying
The very same cross
Ulimately strung to and hung upon
Defeated foe, lastly laughing
Yup satan just knew he had him
But when the temple Jesus spoke about
Was rebuilt in just three days
The devil lost ALL his power
Over hell, death, and the grave
All that, was done so long ago
So that today any and everyone
By faithful grace, from
Ourselves may be saved...

I feel lost most days
Like my mind is not my own
Like I'm soooo far gone
A stray if you will
Trying to simply find
Acceptance of myself for me

I love myself
And it is written
God loves me!!!

If I was to just
One more time
Have una mas tiempo
Please, por favor
You hate to see me
Ask longingly
Begging is beneath me
So I'm pleading passionately
When you peer into
The windows of my inner sanctum
See me! I am real you know
Imperfect perfection
This lub dub, is no artificial spark
It's a real heart with it's very own
Emotional heart beat...

No one
Likes to feel used
But everyone
At some point in their lives
Uses someone
Even if it's that person's choice
As children of God
We ask God to use us
But get very upset nonetheless
When WE are used by people
Thoughts with the hmmm effekt...

Running far and wide
Looking for a place
To tuck this weariness
There's no getting away
From the only me
I'm created to be
Still staring in mirrors
At this stranger
Looking back at me
Years of just peering through
Familial unfamiliar eyes
Naively believing every
Big and little non omitted lie
This anger waging war inside
Justifiably unjustified
Would it be to turn to rage
The hateful poison
Which could bring peace
If only I would lay down and die...

I am going to
Learn to love myself
To the point of liking me
No matter how long it takes
Spent many years many tears
On people and things lost
Surrounding myself in the
Chaos of their lives and living
To avoid the sounds of
My own detriment
All the negativity
That riddle peaceful thoughts
Hateful curses assumed
To be my demise
If not for the price of blood
True honest love
Is God's peace in my life

Even though
Time after times
These subconscious
Strollz through
These mental valleys
Of the shadowz
Of my many deaths
If I don't do what's right
I fear no evil ever
Living is not living
Unless it is pleasing
In the sight...

Love should not
Be measured by
What someone can
Or can't monetarily
Do for someone else
But it is unwise to
Choose to love someone
Who is rarely on the giving end
But always seem to want to get
And far more than some
Appears that they are receiving
Every human being needs
To know their worth...

Remember the day
You asked me
Who would want me now?
Was about 6 months pregnant
With our gorgeous oldest
On bed rest getting big as hell
Feeling alone, lonely and very ugly
So sad, cause that was just
5 weeks after we got married
Since then constant
Verbal abuse, made me
Regret the very air you breathe
You set out on a journey
To try hard to destroy me
Good luck with that
I pray your best existence
Despite the hellish demise
You wish for me...

Reaping the bitterness
Of seeds sown
Weather by my own hands or
Curses trickling
Down to seven generations
All because disobedience
In trying to at once
Serve more than one
Mastering none!

Be very careful
When you call
This heart your home
The irreparable damage
You do
If you so choose
May very well be the
Demise of your Own..

I just want to write
Just for a little while
See what room or rooms
This gift will open for me
No matter what it's about
All I want to do if only
Just for a little while
Is to leave my soul
On black and white
And seriously, just write...

Stranger to my
Own reflection
I barely see myself most times
Imploding to my core
I choose to No longer reside
In a mental dungeon
Of failed trials and many errors
Or dwell in hates households
Of homelessness feeling prodigal
Longing for a place and people
When I'm an alien to this world
And passing through is the only
Truth I can hold on to as my Own.

The seeds of bitterness
You planted and hoped
Would fully grow
To hateful thorns
That one day
Choke the life and beauty
From the bossom
Of this orchirose
Are only watered
With my fervent prayers
Of your betterment
Because the greater
Aspect of me
Dwells within
And keeps me from
Haughty prideful sin...

If I could paint
My pain's kaleidoscope
It would look like
A purplish gold spattered
Flattened line of taupe...