If I could paint
My pain's kaleidoscope
It would look like
A purplish gold spattered
Flattened line of taupe...

Of course I am different
I'm supposed to be
Imagine how chaotic
Existing would be
If everywhere I looked
I saw your exact face
And everyone you see
Looks exactly like me?

Love should not
Be measured by
What someone can
Or can't monetarily
Do for someone else
But it is unwise to
Choose to love someone
Who is rarely on the giving end
But always seem to want to get
And far more than some
Appears that they are receiving
Every human being needs
To know their worth...

Mom do you love me?
Of course I do, you are alive right?
Why did you even have me?
Are you serious luvbuggy?
Ok! Let me put your little heart
And very smart mind at ease
You my love saved my life
Just like your big sister
You came along at a time
I could've been dead.
When I forgot how to
You and your sister
Showed me how to love
To smile, cry and feel again
So how could I not love
The angels God sent to save me...

My fair lady
Is fairly black
But mostly blue
True test of time
Is OUR locked up love
Incarcerated sin tu!

If I keep
Looking for you
How, when and where
Would I even begin
To find the me lost within
The subconscious of my
Existential chasings???

I want to choose myself
I've needs, wants and desires
I too want my life to count
I want to know how to simply
Not be hated, or feel bad
About putting myself first
Place in my own existence
To be partly about me at times
I want better and I don't think
I should ever end my quest
In the pursuit of my own
Inner and outer peaceful joy
Of my latter day's happenings
Simply to lay down my life
For other's who may or may
Not be worth me hurting for
Since told by brother Bob
That everybody I meet or know
In my lifetime will, not if hurt me
Man listen even in my self hating
I myself have hurt me and even
Though I have paid handsomely
For kicking my own ***, Jim
I still can love me better
Than only I know how now
And far better than I have Mary!!!

Stranger to my
Own reflection
I barely see myself most times
Imploding to my core
I choose to No longer reside
In a mental dungeon
Of failed trials and many errors
Or dwell in hates households
Of homelessness feeling prodigal
Longing for a place and people
When I'm an alien to this world
And passing through is the only
Truth I can hold on to as my Own.

Second guessing myself constantly
Don't need or want to be around
Things, people and places
That's no good for me
Knowing all things work out
For the betterment of me
I'm begging Lord please
Lead, guide and direct me
Show me where to go
Who to see, who to be a blessing to
And who I am created to be
So that through my life
You alone heavenly father
Get ALL praises and All the glory...

Be very careful
When you call
This heart your home
The irreparable damage
You do
If you so choose
May very well be the
Demise of your Own..

I want to be
Everything created to be
Knowing I am nothing
Without you God
These tears are not in vain
This heart of love is still
Covering my many many
Multitudes of sinful pain
And when all is said and done
Your peace over my every
Situation will reign...

This gift of penning
Any piece of my peace
A blessed curse it is
To say the very least
Wanting to be listened to
Longing for my soul to be
Seen
Without sheer transparencies
Allowing just enough Knowledge
Of myself with very little into Me See...

My plate is overflowing
And I am already so full
Heavenly father please
Please please help me
To be strong enough
To bear the cups
Of crosses you can
But won't take from me
What ever the lesson is
In thy will is where
I'm supposed to be...

Have
So much to be grateful for
Not too long ago, again
Death came knocking
At my front, side
And back doorz
Grace and Mercy
Saw fit to intervene
You will die
Of that they did assure
But not today, and not like this
You have much work left to do
Before Well Done
Is your just reward.
I'm humbly grateful
For my every gifted
Present day I'm given
This Blezzing of living life
In the land of the living
And living dead
Thank You Dear Lord!!!

I will bear
New mentalities
I will raise
New awareness
I will see
New determinations
I will be
Greatness discovered
I will have
Strength and courage
I will become
A whole transformed beast...

Ughhhhhhhh
Love literally
Made me sick
The sight,  the smell,
Ugh the mere sound
Or mention of it
I hate myself for
Wanting, needing
Longing while yearning
That some aspect of you
Could want to be true
Ughhhhhh love, you, you
Hurtful, hateful, loveless
Love struck fool...

Although
They have become
My Everything
It crosses my mind at times
How different
Life might or could've been
If I hadn't
Given birth to my offspring

I have not been
As naive about love
As love has been about me
I know for a matter of fact
That in perfect love there
Can only be peaceful peace
Space and time where chaotic
Confusion has no choice but
To cease existing...

Some days this struggle
Is unbelievable
Trying so hard
To just trust the God
I know that I know to be very real
And hold onto my faith
Knowing when
The spirit is guiding me to move and
How to be patient no matter
What
Situations arise or how
Bad things get
While learning
How patiently on the Most High
To just wait....

What is sad
Is that someone else
May benefit from ALL
The time I wasted loving you
Hoping, wishing, praying
Begging, needing, just wanting
You to treat me the way I
Knew in my heart of hearts
I deserved, or at the very least
Treat me how you want to be
Treated yourself, or hell just
Treated right...

Some people don't
Know what's a struggle
Others only know how
To survive through it

So many depressing
Thoughts rushing
Through my head
Don't know where
To start feeling better
About existing as is
While always wanting
And needing to do
And most certainly
Be better than the
Bitterness of regret
Grappling, holding fast
To familiar tendencies
Looking for hard, but
Could never see myselves
In me...

Your gifts I was told
As per the bible
Will make room for you
Not really sure how gifted
I am, and that's my honest truth
Not certain of what I can
Or cannot do
Just narrowing down my dislikes
So I can try to figure out
What I might just like to be or do!

You have no idea
What it's like being me
I'm not craving fame
It's the successes of
Accomplishments I want
I long for my gifts
To proudly speak for me
The foreground
Has never been my thing
Behind the scenes
Has always been
This stringless, puppetless
Masters zone.

Learned some
Valuably difficult lessons
Throughout years spent
Desperately searching
To just belong or be seen
As
Friend, lover and family
I've mostly learned
That with all of my being
I need only God for my
Everything and anything
And that nothing
And no one but me could
Ever
Change who I AM created to BE!!!

Holding on
To things and people
Passed their appointed Seasons and Reasonings
Makes letting go of it or them
Far harder than it should be...

No seeds No stems
That's what I be tellin dem
Strictly rootz yuh dun know
Running dis race
Iz about truthfully
Growing patiently
Not just getting old.

Internal mental reigns
Attempt to pull me in
The burning furnace
Of doubtful, angry fearful
Self hatred flames
Consuming thoughts causing
Imploding inevitable
Destruction of my faith
Only if allowed
These mind conscious
Choices chosen to make...

Eyes bloodshot and hurting
Still the tears won't stop falling
Struggling to forgive others
Because I struggle so very hard
To forgive myself and believe
That God has truly forgiven and loves even me...

The space of time
To focus on is now
Since the past already was
And the future is yet to occur
Livinig this presence is a gift
Worth being thankful for
Lord I'm humbled
To be able again
To celebrate this present life
I awoke to today
To try and get things
Right once more...

I will forever
Cast every care
That concerns me
On  you, to fight
Every war torn battle in me
Gracious most high
We both know
Cleanly hands and
A pure heart are both
Requirements for living
In your perfect will...

We change
Only when we
Are ready to...

Thankful for
Another day
Life's gifts of
Living renewed
Every morning
I'm blessed to wake
Heart beating with gratitude
Mind soul and spirit
Increasing in faith...

Gratitude for strength
To keep enduring
Running this race
Is not easy dear Lord
But when I'm weak
My biggest cheerleader
You have always been
And will forever be
Protecting my husband
Providing my family's
Every single need
Blessed to know your love
You dwell within, without
All around and above
Melodious heaven
I'm in it for the long haul
Well done is my just reward...

The ill wills
And negativity
We don't wish
For ourselves
We should not
Wish for anyone else
Weather we love them
Like them dislike or even
Hatefully despise them
As a person or their actions...

In the most sacred
Places of my mindful heart.
I am a love sick child needing And wanting attention and Affection all the time.
Yearning for a fulfilling
My inner being once knew
Searchingg for that peaceful love,
Found thus far Lord only in you!!!

Sitting here angry
Feeling sorry for myself
I dare not ask out loud
What else can go wrong next
Days filled with regretful ponder
Nights filled with restlessness
Prayers don't even bounce off
Let alone pierce God's ears
Your purpose and plan for my life
Cannot be remorseful tears
There has to be a better way
To be at peace within
Despite the chaos all around
But, what if there isn't though
What if I've run out of options?

She was so pure so innocent
Insecure and broken at her core
Her smiles, laughs, jovial nature
Masked the way she felt inside
Fighting back tears all the time
That protects her fragile pride
"I don't want to be her anymore"
Whispered through weary sighs
Before bed each night praying To make her wrongs right
Cause regret is a hell of it's own
Shameful fear grips her mindful
Heart! Nothing, nowhere and
No one is safe anymore
Stranger to herself with no
Familial bond, knowing heaven
Is her only true home...

Love to luv
My own company
Not ever a loner
Alone or even lonely
Sultry sounds of
My own thoughtful
Still small voice
Soothes the most
Beastly of beasts
So why can't I
Just enjoy being
One with only me?

How do I
Love from a distance
So I'm not
Always hurt or feeling hurt
By the things
Said or done to me
By the ones I love
And the ones
That say or show occasionally
That they might could
Possibly have love for me?
God please show me how
To love myself,so I'm not
Always looking for love outwardly.

Gave of my all
The best I didn't
Even knew I had
I gave of my worth
My life force and strength
Had no idea I could
Give what I hadn't
Have for myself
And all you gave
In return was opened
Hands not heart to
Take and Take and Take...

Only evil muthafukaz
Die with their eyes open
You sitting there hoping
Life for you is gonna change
You should know exactly
How the game is played
Living by way of violence
Only ensures you die the same...

Oh how it *****
When you can't
Even be vulnerable
Around the people
That you make comfortable
To be vulnerable around you...

I AM a warrior
Not a worrier
Born conquer
A winning winner
I AM evolution
The trajectory
Of my thoughts
Is mine to change
Because my capabilities
Allow me to use words to
HEAL
Where words tried to break
And or tried to destroy me...

Teach me how to love
Show me who to suffer for
Since I AM unable to prevent
Anyone from making
Conscious or unconscious
Choices of hurting me.
I AM so tired of being
Afraid of being hurt again
I see icicles forming in veins
Where blue flowing blood
Used to rush along to ease
Pains of dying cells
Unseen only felt
My emotions need an education
In right from wrong
I'm not only listening to
But singing sad songs
About situations blaming love
Gone horribly wrong
In it far longer than a furlong
Knowing that I can be very
Headstrong, knowing both
What I need and what I want
Love, Peace, and joy while Experiencing what my life
With the real love, I have been
So desperately searching for
In and ALL around it...

Hmmm! You know
I can preach it well
Even gives great advice
But do I really hear or listen
When my mind's eyes
Speak to my heart's
Bountiful contentment
Or adhere to the spiritual
Warnings that come from
The epicenter of my soul?
And if not, why my love? Why?

Love you far more
Than you could ever imagine
Love was never enough to,
Make anyone do the right thing
Was never about getting over u
But getting back to the better in
Me, I always known existed
The God in me you chose not to
See, but deemed godless
When I returned the hate
I didn't deserve, that you so
Liberally served me first.
Thread lightly when trying
To destroy God's chosen...

A hoarders nightmare
COVID 19 got the whole
Entire world winter, spring
And summer cleaning!
I did hear often as a child
That cleanliness is close to
Godliness!!!